Been married for over 7 years and known each other for 11...Have been in love with her from the day I met her and always thought she loved me...at least she did at first...My wife had an affair over this past summer...lasted about 2 months and was to the point after the affair started she came home 2 weeks later and told me she was not happy anymore and did not think she ever would be but she wanted to stay and try to see what we could do to work out..more at my request than hers...and she ended up still having the affair behind my back during that time...once I found out about the whole affair she told me she wanted a divorce and then turned around and cried very emotionally for hours telling me that she does not want a divorce she was only saying she did cause she thought thats what I was gonna tell her and she did not want me seeing how hurt she was going to be by me saying thats what we needed...well i love my wife and always have...still have every feeling i ever had for her...that will never leave and we will get through this...it is what we both want...however she has told me they have stopped talking to each other...and now up till 2 weekends ago I found out they were still talking multiple times a day on the phone while she was working...3 rd time they both have lied..she to me and him to his wife..and it was even to the point he was asking her if we had sex over the weekend of our anniversary and how many times we had sex on our getaway for our anniversary...then turns around and tells her that it was really nice to know that she was still able to give it to him more in a day than what she could give it to me...this is not about sex to me...but more of intimacy issues...i dont just have sex with my wife to have sex...I want it to be passionate and full of connection...but my wife still has no desire for intimacy in our marriage...she even tells me it is not something she thinks that should be a big part of marriage...she thinks that it should just be something small if that...I am at my point where i dont know what she is feeling..she tells me everyday this is what she wants and she will never do it again and wants to spend the rest of her life with me...but yet says little things she wants me to change..and they r little things...like she wants me to not say things meaning with sex to her...like saying that i have waited all day for her beautiful face to come home from work and once I have seen you its all I can think about to be with you tonight...and she gets upset when i do that...She admits to me that she has told the other guy that we dont have much of a sex life on her part...and we still dont...but she admits to me that they had sex multiple times a week...and usually for us its once a month....and its not the same routine..I am always attempting to try new things and she 99% of the time will not allow it...but yet admitted to me that she tried a vary of different ways with the other guy...Why would she tell me these things and expect me not to hurt and or want them even more knowing that she is wanting them and fully capable of it...when i seldomly talk about it to her she says to me that none of that should matter and all i should worry about is that I have her for life...But if I have all these feelings and all this love and everything else I have for her just bottling up inside me...why is it fair for her to just keep shutting me out and not wanting it...when i attempt to try and be intimate with her she literally pushes me away...not hard but will push my hands away from her body..any advice
You must be a glutton for punishment, continuing to allow her to tell you of her sexual escapades with some other guy. Sure, you want to save your marriage, but to me it sounds like your best approach would be to actually set some boundaries and kick her to the curb if crossed. I'd say, "I'm through sharing my wife with another man. Decide now, him or me. If him, then get out." Demand transparency...with her phone, with her e-mails, and her at home. If she's not willing, then man up and send her packing.
You are ALLOWING this to continue through your passive attitude. I'm happily married and I've told my wife (and I mean it) that I'd kick her to the curb in a second if she cheated on me. Yours is actually actively cheating (and telling you about it) and you aren't. It's really unattractive to be so desperate for someone that you can't set a boundary. It's one thing if it happened once, it's over, and she's remourseful. It's quite another when it's still happening, you know about it, and she feigns remourse. Does the OM's wife know? If not, you should tell her. Maybe she'll man up and kick him to the curb.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Yeah the other wife knows...she is the how I found about them still talking recently....they say they have had no physical contact since the day of the hotel incident that me and his wife found out about that day...But they lied about having no communication at all..they told us that they were done with each other and wanted to make things work with their spouses...2 weeks ago this past sunday is when we found out they were still talking to each 4 times a day from work...they would not call from cell phones cause they knew we could track that so they were calling from work and his cell phone...cause he did not think his wife had access to their phone records online...I just dont understand why she tells me this stuff and expects it not to bother me...I have told her that if I even feel as though there is contact again that she is out...and I have even told her its not fair for me to keep all my feelings bottled up when she is able to go out and do what she did and still not want to me epress intimate times with her..its not fair to me...and she tells me that its the reason she does not feel intimate with me now because I usually bring this up once a week about her not being intimate with me...and i have said you think I enjoy talking about this and dont wanna put it in the past and start making our lives better....Trust me I do..but how am i supposed to when I try to be with you ...you push me away...you never show me you are in the mood....you very rarely give me affection...unless im the one that takes the first step to it
Sorry for everything that's happening. You are definately not alone. I suggest reading up on the psychological aspects of affairs. They chemically alter people's brains and make them highly unreasonable. They effectively become a different person and it is important for you to set boundaries and stick to them. I would tell your wife, very calmly and rationally, that if she continues to disrespect your marriage she MUST leave and follow through if and when that happens.
I would also recommend reading "The Sex Starved Marriage" for some enlightenment on how sex works in long term relationships. Even if your wife isn't going to read it, you will feel better by equipping yourself with knowledge about why your sex life faltered. No one partner is to blame it's how you both interact that makes or breaks your sex life.
I know how terrible it is to have your wife telling you how much better sex is with the other man. It's extremely shallow but sex with the other man is new. Sex with you is been there done that. It's likely that ALL the two of them have together is an intense chemical passsion that is making the turn thier lives upside down. Thier "romance" won't last, but it's up to you whether or not you want to put up with your wife's bahavior and for how long.
You'll probably read/hear that affairs tend to fizzle out once they've been discovered, but that's not ALWAYS the case. My W up and moved out happily when I discovered. But now 4 months later her life is a train wreck because of it. A lot of times they have to learn thier lesson by hitting rock bottom.
I'm going to suggest you'll probably want to stop reasoning with her because she's not being reasonable. Start REALLY taking care of yourself. Pursue your own interests. Live a healthy lifestyle. Reconnect with friends or make new ones. Get active and avoid talking to her about your relationship unless she is innitating it. Try to give her the impression that you don't need her and it may make her think twice about what she's doing.
I'm no expert but these are things that are helping me a lot. Be very patient because nothing like this can be solved overnight...
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
she admits to me that they had sex multiple times a week...admitted to me that she tried a vary of different ways with the other guy...she says to me that none of that should matter and all i should worry about is that I have her for life
you do know what your response to that comment should have been?
Yeah the other wife knows...she is the how I found about them still talking recently....they say they have had no physical contact since the day of the hotel incident that me and his wife found out about that day...
So just out of wondering...how would you say that they r lying? I mean if you have poninters or advice on that I would love to know...This is the first time and hopefully the last time I ever have to go thru with this...Something else I did not state is that I never have and never will ever have the urge to ever cheat of my W...Its just not something I could ever do...But when I asked her what she would have done if the shoes were on the other foot she said that she would have made me leave and would never work on it because she is not a bigger person like I am...What words...
I have read the Sex Starved Marraige..and it did point some things out to me..but also states that the other spouse that is having the low desire needs to do things as well...Well I have had it for over a month now and she told me at first that she would read it now everytime I ask her she says she does not have time to read it...She comes home from work and never has to do anything but be with me and the kids...and most of the time she gets home at the kids bedtime so there is time but 99% of the time she falls asleep with the kids and leaves not much time for me...or for her...The other night I read her a few exerpts out of the book and she looked into my eyes and said wow that really does sound like us...but our situation is not the same as anyones thats in a book...I will read it sometime but I cant say its going to help anything
So just out of wondering...how would you say that they r lying?
how or why?
why? - because cheaters lie.
how? They're lying !!!
what do you think they are still talking about? trading goulash recipes?
Originally Posted By: rshiley
But when I asked her what she would have done if the shoes were on the other foot she said that she would have made me leave and would never work on it because she is not a bigger person like I am...What words...
So just out of wondering...how would you say that they r lying? I mean if you have poninters or advice on that I would love to know...T
Very simple: ALL CHEATERS LIE. Period. I have never known it NOT to be the case, and I have studied literally thousands of affairs over the past three years.
