2+ years - try again or move on?

[seeking sanity]

Hi gang, I've been reading forum posts here for a few days and I'd appreciate some advice.

I've been separated 2+ years, 4 kids, WAW situation. She originally left me for the OM (they didn't live together). All the usually stuff - ILYBINILWY, chronic lying, I need to find myself, etc.

After a year of being separated we reconciled for about 8 months, which was really tough. After an initial good period of maybe 5 weeks, she largely wouldn't do the stuff I needed to heal from the affair (transparency, affection, disclosure), and I had a hard time DB'ing with consistency due to my feelings about her affairs and the abandonment. We'd go months without having sex, she wouldn't physicaly touch me for weeks at a time. And she maintained a friendship with a guy I found threatening and would lie about being in contact with him. (I don't know if it was ever romantic.)

I finally couldn't take it anymore and we separated again and she moved out. At that point things got better and we were "dating" each other. I thought maybe things could work this way. But then she went to an overnight party in another city hosted by the male "friend" then lied to me about it. When I discovered the truth I was devastated, immediately did a 180 and decided that she'd never hurt me again. It was the last lie I was willing to be a part of. It broke me.

So we stopped contact for a month or so. And then for the most part just kept it to money and kids. I had resigned myself to getting divorced. I was just worn down from the 2+ years of separation/false reconciliation, and 1+ prior to that of the decent.

For the last 6 months or so since then I'd started dating and purged some of the feeling of inadequacy. (Nothing serious, I'm very clear with the women I've dated that I'm emotionally unavailable and not up for a serious commitment.)

So, here's where I need advice. Recently we've started talking again. We're at the point where we need to get divorced or not. I still love her, we have children together, an 18 year history, and have a bit of hope we could make it. But I have zero trust in her. The lying and her history of cheating has me feeling very distrustful. She's expressed that she doesn't remember a time she was happy in our marriage, but has also expressed love and hope for me.

And I'm well aware of my culpability in all this. I was an inattentive husband for many years and took her for granted. It was a text book WAW situation.

The first reconciliation almost killed me. It took me so far past my emotional boundaries, I'm not willing to go there again. But my sense is that if I put some effort in, we could give it another go.

I'm torn and don't know what to do. I liked being married. And she's a wonderful women in many ways.

Advice?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Stay separated. Why do you have to make a D decision one way or another now?

Puppy

[Dia]

What Puppy said.

There is no rush to D. Stay separated. Date her - if you want to. Take only teeny, tiny baby steps. She needs to prove to you beyond any reasonable doubt that she is honest, forthcoming and trustworthy. As for you, you may need to prove to her that you can be attentive and meet her needs as well.

This will take time, and rushing it may well doom it.

If you want to explore it, go ahead. But do it at a snail's pace.

[seeking sanity]

I guess I feel like I need resolution. I'm dating, as is she. How long do you wait for something to happen?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

My brother has a saying, that I really like: "Never do anything until you have to."

I think it applies here.

[Dia]

How long do you wait for something to happen?

Only you can decide. Your fear and distrust are completely valid and understandable.

If you're done, then you're done and you can proceed with paperwork.

If you're not done and you want to explore it with her, then go on some dates. One of two things will happen: either you'll draw closer and closer together and the two of you will find that the other people you're dating have less and less allure, or dating will make you realize that yes, it's time to stick a fork in it.

I can't make the decision for you - but in your first post it sounds like you're not done.

[seeking sanity]

Dia/Puppy - thanks for the good advice. I think you're right.

[seeking sanity]

Update: I went on a date last night with exW and if felt nice in some ways, and eerily similar to our last attempt at R in others. I purposely stayed away from any relationship talks and kept it light. She made some subtle overtures and when I left after dropping her off she said, it seemed weird that I was leaving.

I'm struggling because she is a vulnerable, emotionally challenged person. She's insecure and haunted by some demons I can't help her with. She seems to be trying to deal with them in her ways, but I don't know if she is equipped to do it. During our failed R when I expressed needs, she mostly withdrew, and could not meet them. I wonder how much of that was it being a mirror to her guilt she couldn't face, or how much was just an inability to give, period.

It's hard to know what to do. I love her, I don't trust her, I don't trust she won't make rash choices that will hurt me. I especially don't trust her when she's drinking and we both drink too much.

I'm dating a woman right now and in many ways it's perfect. She makes no emotional demands on me. I see her once or twice a week. We have fantastic sex, cuddle and have pillow talk for a few hours, and then I leave. It meets my physical needs, gives me a little escape, and doesn't make any emotional demands on me. She's a nice woman, but I don't have a deep connection with her, probably never will.

Am I creating drama for myself by reconsidering things with ex? The flip side is that I alternate between lonely when I don't have the kids, and exhaustion when I do. And life feels very hard most days despite my best efforts to GAL.