Hi I am married to a man in a full blown MLC... He left 2 years ago and we reunited after 2 months at this time I had no idea he was in the throws of a mlc. After another year of ups and downs he left again and moved in with the OW, I was 3 months pregnant at the time. I had no idea there was someone else, he lied about it to me yet paraded her around the small community where we lived. Naturally I was informed of this and asked him about it and he kept denying it, eventually I accepted that it was true and went into a very deep depression.
During this time he ignored not just me but also our children, S21, S20, D13. He naturally blamed me for this said I had turned the children against him, which to be honest I had not done I was too upset and distraught to say much at all. I actually believed that he would return and that this was just a terrible nightmre and I would wake up and all would be right in my world again.Well I started doing some research and found sites relating to MLC and then I realized that he was in a very bad place himself. I read the do's and don'ts ...what to say and not to say, how to detach and move on for myself and the children.
One year down the road, I have moved away with my children,(had a beautiful baby girl) he has not supported us and has had very limited contact with our D and none with our sons.
Two weeks ago I found out that perhaps the cloud is lifting and the fog is clearing, he has asked for more contact with our D and has approached our sons to talk. He has offered to start supporting us(as much as he can) and has asked how we are doing...he is still living with the OW ..not sure why but I believe that he cannot affort to move out yet and has become so dependant on her. Perhaps this is me making excuses for him I am not sure.
I wrote him a letter saying how I felt about everything, I let him know that I love him and have forgiven him and that I would be prepared to work things out, I also said that I wanted him but realized that I did not need him, I think part of him leaving was he felt too needed and honestly I realized that I can cope on my own but I really don't want to ..I miss my marriage, which for the most part was good. It's coming up to my 40th and the idea of him not being with me for that is so upsetting, I find myself crying again which seemed to have stopped since I made that move away. I feel like I am taking backward steps instead of going forward....Guess I need some other opinions ...anyone got any ideas on what I can do ...what I should do at this point
I wrote him a letter saying how I felt about everything, I let him know that I love him and have forgiven him and that I would be prepared to work things out, I also said that I wanted him but realized that I did not need him, I think part of him leaving was he felt too needed and honestly I realized that I can cope on my own but I really don't want to ..
FH,
I'm wondering why you pursued him with a letter, and if that is the best way to go? Your WORDS are saying "I realize that I don't need you" but your ACTIONS (pursuit via letter) speaks otherwise.
Unilaterally granting forgiveness, when he hasn't ASKED for it, is probably premature.
I think from everything I've read, and what we believe around here, is that you should stop all pursuit, such as letters or anything like that. Let him come to you.
Have you read DR? It's really good, and explains it well.
I think a lot of us here have had/have depression. What we go through/have gone through is so stressful; I think it's almost unnatural if we don't get depressed. I saw an IC for about a year, and still am taking ADs. I think both can be very helpful. Exercise and GALing too; I find if I cut down my exercise or GALing I'm not as happy...
Keep posting here. Ask questions, vent or whatever. This site has been a lifeline for me definitely...
Thanks for answering guys...I knew that writing the letter may have been a mistake, I just had a moment of weakness I suppose. I have been working really hard to GAL and have suceeded to a certain extent I guess when I heard he was asking about us and showing some interest again I pounced on it. Honestly I know I can live without him I have for a year but I miss him so much...I miss my husband but know he never going to be the same after this, neither will I... I am finding it hard to move from this position feel like I am back at square one..crying again...not on AD, was but found they didn't help...talked to C for 6 months and it helped ... My daughter wants to return to where they live as she misses her old life ...I just can't face that now...I am scared if they start a realtionship she may decide t go to him and the OW ...am i just worrying for the sake of worrying???...gGod just 10 minutes of the day without him on my mind would be heaven....I had gotten so far along with my recovery ...why is this happening to me....
