Married 15 yrs, 3 kids. Wife had multiple EAs 7 yrs ago - 1 for 9 mos. Cried my tears then and made all the ususal mistakes. Spent 2 years living separate but under same roof, lawyers moved slow. When I detached completely, she wanted back in.
After early attempts to rebuild, she stop counseling, trying, and caring. Last 5 yrs of limbo. No EAs but no love. Now wants to end it. "Too many chains"; wants to "be free". On anniversary 4 yrs ago told me to "get it" outside the home; have not had sex in 5+ yrs. Worried about kids, but have placed me last for long time. Still love her but no return. Wants dissolution and mediation. Help?
So sorry to hear about the situation. Have you read Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy yet? Very helpful and the changes you make from that info will help you stay sane no matter which way the marriage goes. I'm sure you both have done things that lead the marriage to where it is now. What is your wife's complaints about the marriage that lead her to wanting a divorce? (If she stopped having EAs and stayed with you another 5 years, it sounds like deep down she loves you but there is some serious problems between you two.) Did you read the Languages of Love book to figure out what her Love Language is and if you have been communicating to her that you love her in the way that makes sense to her?
Just some ideas to look into. I'm a newbie too so I'm sure some more experienced will stop by to ask more questions.
Read most of DR, as well as a myriad of other books, which is what brought me here. Wife's complaints are that "shes not happy", but after 2 yrs of counseling et al, realize I cannot make her happy - no one can but her. I believe she wants EAs but is afraid to return to being the "bad person" to everyone as the EA situation became very public.
beleive she is hanging on for the $ and daily support in raising the kids. Needs me but does not love me. She has not worked in 15 yrs and enjoys her days, workouts, etc. too much. Now, when she goes out to party and have freedom, realizes she wants to be 25 again. I stand in her way.
I was brief before, but didn't want to come across as sounding like I knew all the answers or have read all the books. 7 years does give you a lot of time for reflection and review.
I don't know her love sign so worth a look, but frankly am wearing out on the reading front and spent 2 yrs in prodcutive counseling myself. Now seems like I can analyze the situation or someone else's but too afraid to act or too beaten down from trying. She's just checked out and takes every oppty to blame me for anything. I can say anything ans she misreads it as negative, critical, demeaning, etc. The kids see it and comment on it to me. We live in separate rooms and beds for 6 years. Now she doesnt even say good night, good bye, or acknowledge me other than to criticize. Now kids claim that "mom looks for any excuse to leave the house." She finally wants to pull the plug because my 14yr olds son cries when he sees the arguments - almost always after she comes home from drinking nights out. I am not tea toter nor does she have problem there but these nights out are really escapes and often in the company of bad influences. She loosens up the emotions on these nights and the anger comes out.
I want to do what best for the kids but also afraid of the example we are giving them. Because I am male and where I live, I have been told I wont get custody. And to battle for more than some form of joint wiould be ugly and likely a losing battle as well. I truly beliive that I am the one providing the emotional support to them and I feel crippled with trying to stay in the marriage when she wont work on it. But deep down, i still love her but am not gettign what i need in the mariage. How can i even bring her to the table? or am I better off letting it go? what about the kids? me?
That is similar to what I've heard from others. No it's not the kind of model I want to display. But how (or can) I get her to wake up and smell the roses vs. expecting that life is going to provide her something or owes her something? OR, if she's unwilling to look inside, do I have any choice but to move on and try to hold the kids together?
I am not perfect, but I have switched careers to be home, continue to give cards and/or gifts for events, and get little to nothing in return. Except that I get to live with my kids...
I want to be with my kids and provide them with love, a home, and a sense of stability that they deserve and that I had as a child. I want them to know love and be able to guide them through life in a meaningful way.
I want someone who loves me, repects me, and appreciates me for who am vs. what I provide. I want respect. I want to be able to trust again. I want to fall asleep next to someone. I want someone to talk to, share with, and support my emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical being. I want to love ...again.
She finally wants to pull the plug because my 14yr olds son cries when he sees the arguments - almost always after she comes home from drinking nights out.
So, stop arguing in front of your children!
"Stop doing what isnt working". You already know, that arguing with her during that time, accomplishes nothing. So, Stop Doing It.
I want to be with my kids and provide them with love, a home, and a sense of stability that they deserve and that I had as a child. I want them to know love and be able to guide them through life in a meaningful way.
I want someone who loves me, repects me, and appreciates me for who am vs. what I provide. I want respect. I want to be able to trust again. I want to fall asleep next to someone. I want someone to talk to, share with, and support my emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical being. I want to love ...again.
Is that too much?
Are you all those things for her? Do you love & respect her, do you appreciate her for who she is, do you trust her? Do you talk to her, share with her, support her emotional, mental, spiritual and physical well being.
No none of that is too much but do you do any of it.
You mentioned 5 years of this limbo, I will tell you that it has to stop, you are showing your kids that this a normal relationship, how else would they know otherwise? And even if they know otherwise, because they live with you, they will learn from you, not what you say but what you do. Do you want this type of relationship with them?
I'm going to give you some advice and it doesn't end the way you think it will, there is no guarantee that you will get your wife back but I think you need to do this to give yourself piece of mind and to give her piece of mind also.
Maybe you've been spending alot of time telling her how things should be between you, how the things she does bothers you, maybe you remind her of what she did and how much it hurt you and maybe she's dealing with alot of guilt and maybe she doesn't want a life where she is constantly reminded of her faults and how she isn't good enough.
Maybe you need to forgive her of these things if you haven't already.
On top of that, you need to sit down with her and tell her you're sorry. Yes, you are sorry for the things you've done. Not only say sorry but say sorry and mean it, and if you get a response like "it's ok", she hasn't felt your apology. If you have to say sorry in a way that communicates that you feel her pain, how what you've done may have hurt her, and to tell her that you really are sorry, to feel her, to understand her and ask her for forgiveness.
Sorry for not being a good husband and believing being a good provider was the only job you were responsible for. Being a good husband means making her feel like a good wife, appreciating her, keeping your expectations in check, loving her, making her feel good, focus on what she did do right instead of focusing on her failures. Telling her about the times you were proud of her, being sorry for not showing her how much value she had with you, maybe she feels like it was impossible to prove her value to you because nothing she could do would ever be good enough. Maybe you didn't tell her she's a good mother enough, sorry you weren't a good friend to her, maybe you didn't use the mentality "help us be right instead of wrong", maybe you can list with accuracy all the things you do right with her but you don't make her feel safe & secure around you, maybe she feels inadequate and maybe she feels like she has had to continuously prove herself to you and a person gets tired of doing that forever, maybe she wants to be accepted as is and you aren't doing that, maybe she feels like she isn't good enough for you and that is great for her self-esteem and she probably feels lonely when she is around you.
There are lots of things you could be sorry for but maybe she hasn't heard that in a while.
Whatever things you are sorry for, you have to make sure that when you say you're sorry (take some time, write a list out and really try to feel like your wife might feel when she feels the pain of these things that bother her so much).
And after that, if you've gone through the exercise properly and really felt her pain, ask her for forgiveness.
And then ask her what she wants, if she wants her freedom from you, love her enough to let her go and love yourself enough to give yourself freedom from the pain you are feeling, saying sorry to her is part of that freedom, apologize sincerely, more sincerely than you have ever done in your life and then let go of your mistakes and the guilt attached to them, forgive yourself and then let her go.
Tell her you don't want her to be unhappy anymore and neither do you, you want the things that you mentioned above and know now that she can't give you those things, she is hurt too much by things she has done to you and the things you have to her.
That's it, kinda sucks but sometimes not every marriage will be saved but that doesn't mean you can't live with honor, integrity and respect - it's requirement regardless of marital status.
No it's not the kind of model I want to display. But how (or can) I get her to wake up and smell the roses vs. expecting that life is going to provide her something or owes her something? OR, if she's unwilling to look inside, do I have any choice but to move on and try to hold the kids together?