How to treat W who goes out every weekend?

[TooLateForMe]

My W goes out a lot now that she considers us D (not legally, though). She's doing it to feel pretty and wanted by men. I want to show her that I think she IS pretty and that I do want her. Trying to be subtly flirty and expressing my feelings without scaring her off. I don't like that she goes out (without me, anyway!), but want her to feel I'm glad she's enjoying herself. Otherwise, I will be the evil stick in the mud and I'll get nowhere.

Should I just be laissez faire, ignore it and let the whole thing take its course? Should I compliment her, tell her she'll be the prettiest one out there?

Please chime in, I just want to do the right thing. It's just so hard to figure out what that is when my brain is full of a million different emotions.

[NoLongerHere]

Hey Mark - I've struggled with this quite a bit, with my wife going away every other weekend.

Others may chime in here, but I would say, there's nothing you can do here that won't be controlling, pursuing. Don't let her see that it bothers you. I may be a hypocrite here, but I think the answer is to focus on you, get a life. This will 1) be good for you, and 2) demonstrate to her that you're not sitting home pining away for her, worried about what she's doing. Your life is interesting too.

- Bill

[TooLateForMe]

Maybe subtlety isn't the right way to go. Not entirely. I'm wondering if I can successfully show her attention/affection without being stalker-ish. No "I love yous" or "I want to be with yous" but indirectly showing her how beautiful she is. If that becomes consistent (though not fawning or obsequious) it might be enough to soften her heart toward me.

[JayMan]

Was this a problem in your marriage? Did you put her down, or make comments that made her feel she wasn't beautiful?

Someone that goes out with men to make herself "feel beautiful" obviously has some drastic self-esteem issues - issues that won't be addressed and resolved by you playing to them.

Anytime, you are attempting to change her, you are probably doomed to failure.

it might be enough to soften her heart toward me

If you want this to happen - be a man, be strong, do the right thing. That will soften her heart, and soften it legitimately - don't try to play out things to MAKE her soften her heart.

Trust a 3-year veteran - the only things that have worked have been when I completely separated my efforts from what I thought would "change" my W. It is counter-intuitive, but it's true.

[TooLateForMe]

That was an issue. One that she has told me recently was a long-standing problem. That I never told her she was beautiful or sexy. I did so with her permission during a recent conversation. She like that.

It's not meant to be a catch-all solution. She doesn't see me as a warm, affectionate person. I want that to change. I want her to know that I am attracted to her and don't take that attraction for granted. I think if I step outside the boundaries of the R as it is now and be an "other man" in a way she will put up fewer walls. She wants to be wooed. There will be obvious objections on her part but the point isn't to win her over as much as show her I'm not that emotionless zombie she sees me as.

Trying to change her would cause her to bolt in the other direction. I want to embrace those changes. She's like the girl I met now and I want to show her that that HER changes are what I wanted deep down all along. She hid the "real" her from me to make me more accepting of her. She thinks I'll reject the real her.

[TooLateForMe]

Ran into W at friends' party. It was a mess. Here, I thought I was going to be the one to lose control. She was very drunk and ended up sobbing and upset. Started off by saying she was all about letting the inner teenager/punk rocker reemerge and that she was so fine with the break-up. Lots of stuff was mentioned about how she's interested in dating other guys and she's signed up for an online dating site, trying to prove how over me she is.

But it rapidly turned into a breakdown and I had to step away and get mutual friends to help her out.

She's the one who's supposed to be okay with all of this. I only wanted to be supportive and not judgemental. But it was too much for her.

Should I let her know I'm okay w/ her MLC? Let the whole thing go? I have a whole letter telling her I understand because I went through a similar thing but I don't want to embarrass her. I didn't send it yet because I don't want to make things worse.

I don't know what to do about it. Ignore it and pretend it never happened? confused...

[TooLateForMe]

Should I let her know I don't judge? That I will forgive? I'm not sure what to do.

[Stronger]

It just goes to show you they do have feelings...jumbled, but yes, they are feeling pain too.

What does your gut tell you to do?

I think the occasional compliment is a good thing. Everyone deserves as much and esp. from our spouses. Every time my H tells me I look good, I've done a great job losing the baby weight, etc. it means a lot.

I don't know if the email or letter is the way to go. But I think when the time is right, and it might be an email, you should let her know that while you don't understand exactly what she's going through, you are going to let her, you understand this process has to happen and she has to live it, make her mistakes, live her accomplishments and own them all herself. Just like you have to do the same thing.

[RedSoxFan]

Should I let her know I don't judge? That I will forgive? I'm not sure what to do.

I'm not in a position to give advice here, but the challenge seems to be validating without enabling. In other words, sending signals and messages that make it easy for her to stay where she is.

[TooLateForMe]

Thanks.

My gut tells me that I have little control over the "fog" she's in. Mine was lifted when I realized I was losing the greatest person I've ever known. The loss was too great. I can't imagine what will snap her out of it. She has to realize on her own that her path is actually the more painful one.

The impulse it treat her like the smart and rational person I've known for so long. I see that she isn't those things right now. I represent lost youth to her. If I tell her to stop and grow up then I lose her.

I think I can only reinforce to her that I am changing. Be close when I can, tell her she's beautiful... all the things she's wanted from me. Even after all that, I think she'll have to be shocked back to sanity like I was.

I did send the email. I said I didn't judge and sympathized because I had felt something similar.

But I think I'll have my heart broken a few more times before she wakes up or I can't take it anymore and move on. In the meantime I move forward.