What to do, what to do?

[flowmom]

Last night in MC, I was humble and I listened more than talking. It was hard because H kept saying how he didn't see any hope for us and that he wasn't in love with me anymore and didn't think that would ever change. Hard words to hear but it wasn't anything I hadn't heard before. I listened and validated.

I am really inspired to read that you were able to do that, given the stakes involved. I'm guessing that your H saw you in a new way, but even if he didn't, at least you got to be open LuLu, rather than bitter LuLu. Being able to meet someone where they are at is one of the most loving things one can do, and it can be very hard when there is a lot of baggage in a marriage.

The MC did trip up H in his train of thought a few times. H said that he thinks the right decision is to just end things. He'd also said how he hadn't been sleeping well lately. MC said if he felt he was making the right decision, why is he not sleeping at night? If it was the right decision, you would be sleeping like a baby. I think maybe it did help. MC ended the session with, "So, we'll see you in 2 weeks?" and H said, "Yes." I thought that was huge.

It is huge that he is willing to continue. And interesting that the MC was able to introduce an element of doubt without putting him in the wrong.

[LuLu]

Flowmom- As you know, it's not easy esp. with kids. I kept going down cheeseless tunnels though. I figured it was time to try a new path. It only took me 5+ months, duh.

I need to focus on the little steps or else days like today start to take over. Today I want to tell H to go f*ck himself. BUT, I didn't and I wasn't even nasty. I suppose I should give myself a pat on the back. Instead, I go back to that train of thought of, "What the hell am I doing wasting my time with this poor excuse of a husband!". I look at my little ones and think, you guys deserve so much better. I know better now then to share any of this with H so I am just venting here.

I did make a comment to H last night. He came to see the kids but had to leave here early to go to a wake. He asked me in not so many words, "Is dinner going to be ready or not?" It may not look so bad written but it definitely came across rude. I told to not speak to me like that as I am not his maid. He apologized and explained why he said it (like it mattered). As he left, he stopped me and said, "Thank you for dinner." F*cker.

[TulsaTime]

Hey Lulu,

Just wanted to encourage you. I see hope for your sitch. It's going to take some patience. Part of this process is about the changes that occur in us. I can see that you are recognizing that.

Keep it up and keep growing. Maybe find that church you mentioned.

[flowmom]

Today I want to tell H to go f*ck himself. BUT, I didn't and I wasn't even nasty. I suppose I should give myself a pat on the back. Instead, I go back to that train of thought of, "What the hell am I doing wasting my time with this poor excuse of a husband!". I look at my little ones and think, you guys deserve so much better. I know better now then to share any of this with H so I am just venting here.

In my experience, it's not enough to just stop verbalizing thoughts like that because they still radiate outwards in ways that our H's pick up on very easily. I know that for myself, I need to start figuring out what the triggers are when I get so angry about things. Under anger, fear and hurt tend to lurk, and those are the feelings that we need to take care of. Also, the statement "H is a sorry excuse of a husband", would be exactly the kind of statement that would be a good starting point for doing The Work on (even though I totally get that you're venting).

Take care.

[LuLu]

Thanks, Tulsa, I need a little encouragement right about now.

FM- That was an interesting site - The Work. I'm going to dig a bit deeper with it and try to do the work. Thanks for sending it my way.

I've been MIA lately because I've been feeling a bit hopeless about my situation. I feel myself getting cold again. I know it's because our area got a bit of snow/ice and we've been snowed in since Friday night with H nowhere around. My expectations of him were entirely too high. I know I expect him to treat and do things for our kids as I do but he's not me and his priority is a bit different.

All this has been making me think that maybe he's not the right person for me. Maybe this all happened because I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with someone else, someone who values family more and has a zest for life. Someone who is a person of action and solutions instead of just complaining about things

I need to find a babysitter for our MC appt on Monday night and I haven't even picked up the phone. Sigh. I need to get out of this funk and soon.