A little bit of the reality of her leaving is starting to set in for my WAW. She moves out on Monday, and our discussions this past week about custody and schedule are starting to put the first cracks in the seperation fantasy the alien inside her has created. She's come to the realization that for our son's sake, a 50/50 time split with him is not in his best interests. It's going to wind up being more like 65/35, and not in her favor. I'm not trying to keep her from him, just the opposite, but for stability in his living routine, he can't be a ping pong ball. She agrees, but I can tell it's not what she had in mind. Her idea of leaving, but continuing with all the bedtime routines at our house isn't going to happen either. She was expecting to be able to put him into beg, read him a story, snuggle for a few minutes, and then go sleep somewhere else at night. Sorry, but that's part of what you lose when you chose to move out. I have no intention of being a jerk, just the opposite if my marriage is to be saved, but I also need to set down new boundries once she leaves. I did agree to give her an extra afternoon with him during the week, but insisted that she bring him him earlier than she had wanted so he has time to transition. All of these are adding up to cracks in her fantasy.
I've been sad, but not angry with her. I've given up trying to persuade her, and when she started to cry last night I was supportive, but didn't take the bait of playing on her emotions. I let her cry, and then continued with the discussion at hand of her packing up. I told her I'd help her move if necessary, and she was surprised since I said I wouldnt support her decision. I said I understood why she wanted to leave, but that I still didn't support it, and regardless would help her pack if she needed my help. This surprised her.
My parents were nothing but kind and friendly with her when they visited. She said she thought they would hate her. I told her none of us hated her, that we loved her, but everyone was upset that she was deciding to leave. She cried even harder!
I hate to see her in pain, but I'm all for any little bit of reality that helps her come out of the fog!
I'm not all that familiar with your sitch, but it sounds like you're balancing it very well. It IS very important to let them own the consequences of their decision, while remaining lovingly detached.
Thanks Puppy. I'm trying as best I can. Hardest thing for me is to get my emotions in check, I tend to wear them on my sleeve. I'm not one of those guys who's afraid to cry - just the opposite. I'm really trying not to be bitter around her, btu to focus on the goal of rebuilding my marriage. She's not going to want to do that with a guy who's beinf a prick! Gotta be the best me I can for me, my son, and for my marriage if possible.
Fell free to check out my sitch. I'd love any input, but I think my own story lacks some of the drama of some others so it 's under the radar.
We sound a lot alike. Tonight will be my WAW's first night away. I think it will take at least one month for her to recognize this may not be the best choice for her and to get her emotions in check.
You have a crack in the armor....time to be strong, detached and let her feel her decision. I'll be watching your thread closely. Good luck.
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4
Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!
I admire your resolve. I have the same, however I am also up against a very determined WAW.
She had everything arranged before the bomb; Job, support of her family (emotional and $$), new school arrangement for the kids, new car (that I bought for her, not knowing her plans), and most of all, intense, hateful, anger. She feels total justification and the few times her emotions do crack and I can breech them, as soon as she realizes she recoils and then strikes like a snake.
I have mixed feelings as to what to believe. She insists on divorce, yet her emotional reaction, anger, etc tells me she still cares to a degree. I know, believe nothing you hear and only 50% of what you see. I'm confused but determined.
Stay strong. I'll stay with you.
M: 25 1/2 yrs Petition Filed: Dec 08 (by WAW) served: Jan 3, 09 Separated: 3/18/09 M: 49 W: 51 D 22 S's 14 & 16 Me: devastated & broken; W: hard and bitter
I've been managing to hold it together pretty well. I'm not happy by any means, but I've resigned myself to this new dysfunctional reality, and am trying my best to deal with it and be strong. I've detached and gone as dark as I can. I only initiate contact with her if there is some issue with our son. I respond briefly but not coldly to her emails, and am trying to be as pleasant with her as I can be on the phone. That's a little tough, and I think I must sometimes sound a bit cold or brief. I'm trying to be more positive sounding.
My wife seems to be having a tough time. All this week she's sounded like shes been on the verge of tears on the phone. When she dropped our son off on Tuesday, she looked upset. When I asked her if she was OK, she replied it had been a tough day. I asked if everything was OK at work, and she said she would talk to me later, burst into tears, and pratically ran out of the house. I think reality and lonliness may be seting in.
Stay strong, WGU. My W is in the process of moving out & I know the first few weeks will be rough...especially the days I don't have our S4. It sounds like you're handling things perfectly. I hope I can detach & go dark as you have.
Good luck!
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
For me, the lead up to her leaving was almost worse than her being gone. The first weekend was excruciating emotionally, but I've since been able to settle into somewhat of a routine, and try to be there for my son. I've made a great effort to make sure the house is running smothly, and he and the dog are being well cared for. We're doing fun things together, and generally just doing what we would have if my wife were home. Best thing I can suggest is to keep busy, and take time for yourself when you can.
