We have been married for 20 years and in Feb 09 she left me, taking our two youngest childeren with her; we have three. At first I was conflicted, our relationship was awful and we were not intimate any longer. I love my kids and miss them everyday but I did not miss my marriage until the end of June 09. I would see her all the time, she would collect her mail and visit the cats.
At the end of June, I realized that I wanted her in my life, so I pursued her - big mistake. This was a mistake only because I pursued her out of weakness, please come back I love and miss you etc. This was all true but that's not going to make her want to come back and it didn't. Come back to what? The same relationship, the same passive/agreesive behavior and the neglect that she felt. I know this now but did not then. I wanted answers and demanded them so I got them - am not in love with you, I have moved on you need to move on, I am happy now. These were very difficlut words to hear - so much so I had to see a doctor for the the depression it caused. I was a basket case I could not think , eat or sleep I was literally pacing and pulling my hair out. I had a lot of energy even on the medication so I started to read a lot! Also, I started seeing a therapist.
During my pursuit of her I did admit to my part in ruining our marriage. We actually cried together about it; again weakness. I think she heard me but, I think, she thought I was pitiful but sincere. I did ask for her forgiveness, but she could not at that time. At this point, I decided to never talk about our past again, unless she brought it up and then only briefly.
Things are much better now, I am now 30 pounds lighter and quit smoking. My wife and I are freinds again, better than when we were living together. I owe this to all the reading I have done and the changes I have made in my life. There are many things that I have done but I think the biggest one was to stop my defensive behavior. I learned how to listen to her and not get bent out of shape about what I thought she was saying. I also think she let me love her again regadless of what she said.
I found this site because I have really worked hard to make myself a better person and focused on being a better husband and father. I now feel drained, and need some new ideas on how to keep it going so that I do not give up. Loving her is easy but I feel like I am giving and giving and the thought of it not working out is starting to creep into my mind more and more. Although if I take stock on far we have come I can say we have made progress. I know I need more from this relationship, I fell like I am in limbo. Now what?
What are here issues with your marriage that need work?
What are her LLs?
What are you doing for yourself - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually?
What are you doing to be a great Dad?
tips on how to bust negative thoughts: - make a list of what you are grateful for - exercise - pray - think : this won't last forever things will get better - make someone else smile - action, do something, get your hands and mind busy
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Actually, my favorite word these days is Grace. When you show your love with grace you have no fear. It kills passive/agressiveness and defensiveness. You actually can listen to the other person express themselves. Some affirmations I use are "what is the most I can do." I try and keep my thoughts and actions aligned. Talk the walk and walk the talk. Walk the talk is the most important!
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What are here issues with your marriage that need work?
Where to begin? Communication, Appreciation, acceptance, respect.
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What are her LLs?
I have to get this book but Acts of Service has to be high on the list. I have done a lot of that. It seems that the most effective things I do have nothing to do with me. I mean if I fix things in the house that would take a back seat to fixing things for her and our kids. Words mean things to her only if demonstrated by actions, at least now that is the way it is. I have told her I thnik she looks nice when I think she does and it seems insincere to her. She is not trusting me to mean what I say. Love Bank deposits are a focus of mine - 180's at work here as well as eliminating withdrawls.
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What are you doing for yourself - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually?
Physically - quit smoking, lose weight, exercise Mentally - Reading, quit watching so much televison Emotionally - Journaling my thoughts and emotions Spiritually - Attend church on a regular basis , I never went now I have not missed a week.
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What are you doing to be a great Dad?
This is harder now that I do not see them as much but I go to all the games and events that I can. The thing is I always did this anyway. Be stern when I need to be.
