Hello, I've been reading various posts for the past few weeks, but am a newbie poster and apologize in advance for missed abreviations and such. I've read though different posts on this site and others for several months now privately looking for assistance. I believe I'm more confused now then when I began.
I'm 32yrs old and my H is 50, we've been married 3 1/2 yrs and been together for 10yrs total. We have no children. A lack of love on either side is not an issue, I have absolutely no doubt that he loves me, and can say with equal amounts of certainty that he is not having an A. He's my best friend and I to him. To family and friends, we have a healthy marriage.
No one is aware that he has been sleeping on the couch for the past two years, or that we haven't had sex in about a year and a half. We've had numerous conversations about them both. Some calm and productive (even if temporary) and others heated and unproductive. He tells me that him not sleeping in the bed has nothing to do with him not wanting to have sex (blames it on back pain). We've had the "is it me?" conversations, to which he replies "no, I'm just not interested in sex with anyone." He tells me that he doesn't know why he isn't interested, but that he'd like to be again, and that he is robbing me of what he knows I deserve. He's even gone as far to suggest I have an A so that I can be sexually satisfied because he feels like he is failing to provide in that area as a H should. I'll admit that I was FLOORED that he would even suggest it, seeing as he is the jealous type.
He's been evaluated by the doctor and been given a script for ED, as his tesosterone and others came back normal. He's able to perform with the pills, but doens't want to use them. Over the course of the last almost 2 years he's had several reasons why he wasn't interested in sex ranging from he wanted a vasectomy (which he did) because he hates condoms to it just being too much work. He always says he needs to fix this, and do that, but never does. It goes unmentioned until I bring it up again, and then we repeat the cycle.
Our most recent conversation lead to the discovery of Michele's "Sex Starved Marriage" book which we are reading together. I'm afraid this effort is going to end as unsuccessfully as the rest as I see him loosing interest in it already. Seems to me that if he was that intent on fixing the problem, it wouldnt be me always asking if he wanted to pick the book up again two weeks later.
I'm afraid for him, and our marriage. I feel like I'm the only one putting an effort forth to try and fix what I feel is going to ruin everything that we have. Maybe it already has. It feels like he's checked out of our marraige and thinks that it'll magically heal itself. My best friend is right beside me, but I feel like I've lost my husband. The intemacy and closeness that defines a relationship as "more than friends" is missing; my marriage is missing. Is there anything that I can do?
Have him checked for a pituitary tumor. If that is throwing his hormones off, some meds could get him right back into the swing of things. I speak from experience.
Dana...I'm no expert on the sex-starved marriage (although sure not having any myself lately!) but your story triggered the memory of something I recently listened to in the Light His Fire audiobook. Is it always you trying to help him fix his problem why he's just given up and kinda depressed about it? Are the cheerleader that tells him it will get fixed eventually? There was a lady whose husband had other medical problems and depression...he was doing nothing about it and driving her crazy. I think the advice suggested was the next time he started moaning about how hopeless it all was...the therapist told her to tell him, "You know honey, I think you're right. I thought you could beat this and have been encouraging you all this time but now I see it's really hopeless. Maybe this problem really is something you can't do anything about." In this case her saying the opposite of what she normally said seemed to snap him to his senses and he started making some small steps to help himself and do positive things about the situation.
I don't know that this applies to your situation but to me this seems to be an example of Divorce Busting's "Trying a 180".
So I'm feeling a bit defeated tonight. Decoy posted some information that was helpful, and H responded to it well, and says he's going to go to the doctor appointment that he asked me to make. I can't help but feel that there is more going on in our relationship that may be hindering efforts to repair. I'm beginning to wonder if H is having a MLC and neither of us have realized. I've no doubt made mistakes in our marriage, but am really trying to be what I need to be for him, without loosing myself. I've stood by him through his different justifications for the lack of sex, and tried to help him figure it out, but its not just the sex, its the lack of closeness and togetherness that we used to have. He won't even sleep in the bed. I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall sometimes. In the past we've tried several remedies, and he says he agrees that we should try, but then he never followes through with anything until I mention it again. Makes me feel like I'm the only one trying to fix whatever the hell is going on. I don't want to add to our problems by resonding or reacting in a manner that will only make matters worst, but I feel like everything that has been done has been done by my following through. I don't want to be that kind of wife. I don't want to run his life, I don't want to hold his hand and pull him through everything, I want to stand beside him and walk through it together, side-by-side. I feel like I'm trying to pull him through this, and as soon as I turn around he sits down and waits for me to turn around again. I know he loves me, but why doesn't he want to fix this, why can't he see that our marriage is falling apart? I don't know which way to respond...meaning that if its a medical thing then I think I should support him in his journey, but if its a MIL then shouldn't I be pursing the GAL theory? Confused and lonely...what do I do?
Buttercup...thanks for the response, its greatly appreciated. I'd say that cheerleader would be an accurate description for me. Neither of us have ever been "sex phanatics" if u will, when it was good it was once a week on average. Nearly as soon as we got married it started dwindling down to what we have now...nothing! I'm going to work the 180 in the next few days, thanks for the info! I don't want him take for me and our marriage for granted, thinking that it and I will remain automatically without effort from him. Thanks again.
Danapoint, My tumor was found accidentally during an unrelated MRI. When the neurosurgeon told me and my wife one symptom was low libido it was like a revelation. We both felt there was an explanation for the abnormal years my libido was low. I hope this idea helps. If this is not it, then at least it has been eliminated.
So sorry you have to suffer what you are. For me, intimacy is vital. Too bad it is now missing in my life. Keep us posted on how the exam turns out (if you do not mind).
