I'm worried about the effect on our kids. I'm not choosing D or separation. I want my kids to know that I do not want to be away from them, but don't want to inadvertently blame my W for things. I just want an honest way to communicate that I want to be with them but not make them feel bad about my W or me.
Any help on that front? Any experiences that could help?
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
Toughie. The girls keep asking if I love mom and I tell them I do. They keep asking if we'll get back together and I tell them I hope so, but this may be how life is going to work out.
The D10 puts on a brave front, but every once in a while something will happen to send her in a crying fit. When I ask, she'll say she was thinking about us getting divorced. If W actually does file and start the process, D10 is really, really going to take it hard. She has friends of divorced parents and they've been honest with her, about how nothing is really ever the same or as happy as before. (unless of course there was abuse -- not applicable here)
Just the other day, my W and I were sitting together waiting for a parent teacher conference and the D7 smiled and asked if we still loved each other. I smiled back and kissed her on the forehead. The W either didn't hear it or pretended she didn't hear it.
I'm sure they are asking W these questions, but I don't know what her answers are because I don't ask.
I've read that you shouldn't give false hope or even really discuss the future much, just concentrate on the situation right now and make it the best possible.
Just let them own their feelings. That's something I'm reading now thanks to the DB counselor. If your kids are super sad, don't tell them they should cheer up and be optimistic. Let them be sad, these are their feelings, and listen to them. They'll work it out for themselves.
Also, don't use the kids to fill the void of the missing relationship. I started to do that with D10 and have had to back off. She's just a kid. She doesn't need to know the ins and outs of what is happening. She'll have plenty of questions when she's older and can handle it.
One big difference between my W and me. Her parents were miserable but stayed together so she grew up wondering why people stay together when they are unhappy.
My parents were miserable and got divorced. I grew up wondering why two people can't keep it together for the sake of the family. Basically, my childhood has two parts, before divorce and after, so I know what the girls are going through. My W doesn't. She's already said she's having problems figuring D10 out. I don't. I know -- at least about this. When she's 13, 14 and it's all teen angst and boy stuff, then I'll be as clueless as everyone else.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I'm already clueless about D(13). She's giddy about a new boyfriend (which the W and I discussed wouldn't get that title until he met my W). That makes me sad as I'm excluded from these pivotal moments in the girls' lives. I think it would be better and more fulfilling to be clueless and have a real family than be clueless and have a fractured one.
Thanks for the advice. I complain a lot about my R and spend a lot of time focusing on that, but missing out on the home life w/ my Ds is as painful, though in a different way.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
I'm struggling with this myself. We are telling my son on Friday that my wife is moving out next Monday. I am in the same situation, and will not lie to him and say anything like "Mommy and Daddy..." This is my wife's decision to move out, and she needs to shoulder the responsibility. Not to blame her, but to say that "Mommy has decided that she wants to live someplace else."
There is a good book out there called Kids First. I think there is a website as well. It tells parents what kids want to know, and what they don't want to know from the kids point of view. It was helpful in making my wife realize that what was in his best intrests, isn't exactly fair for either of us on in our best interests. She was able to see my view, and agreed to have our son stay in the home on school nights as a means of giving him some stability.
That makes me sad as I'm excluded from these pivotal moments in the girls' lives. I think it would be better and more fulfilling to be clueless and have a real family than be clueless and have a fractured one.
I know what you mean. I was playing tennis with a friend this weekend -- part of the GALing or just trying to fill time -- when he told me his 14-year-old daughter got asked to homecoming.
That put me in a 20-minute funk. In four years, when my D10 is a freshman, will I be there when she rushes home to tell us about getting asked to homecoming or will I be the first call she makes after she's done telling her mother?
But that's down the road thinking and doesn't do anything but cause heartache. Try to focus on what you can do today to be a good dad.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I'm worried about the effect on our kids. I'm not choosing D or separation. I want my kids to know that I do not want to be away from them, but don't want to inadvertently blame my W for things. I just want an honest way to communicate that I want to be with them but not make them feel bad about my W or me.
Any help on that front? Any experiences that could help?
Then let your wife explain with you there. You let the kids know you love them and answer any questions. If it is her choice then she is responsible for her actions not you. Don't get baited into a argument. You aren't responsible and can't control how your kids will feel. You only control your thoughts, feelings, and actions. You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I'm mostly worried about day-to-day. It comes up in conversations and I stumble a lot trying to avoid saying the wrong thing. Then I can't think what the right thing is. I don't want to hurt them or make them feel bad their mom chose to hurt me. It's confusing and I figure I'll probably just have to do my best and deal with the screw-ups as they come.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
I'm mostly worried about day-to-day. It comes up in conversations and I stumble a lot trying to avoid saying the wrong thing. Then I can't think what the right thing is. I don't want to hurt them or make them feel bad their mom chose to hurt me. It's confusing and I figure I'll probably just have to do my best and deal with the screw-ups as they come.
There are just a few principles to this - no pursuit (don't be needy, clingy, desperate or try to save WAS from their bad decisions), improve yourself (correct your faults, develop your self-confidence, GAL and don't be afraid) and detach (accept the worst case scenario and realize you will be ok even if the worst case happens). As long as you are following those principles, there are no "wrong" answers or actions.
And, if you want to think of it in another way, just ask yourself if what you are about to say or do is the right thing for YOU. Don't worry what she thinks. Is it the right thing to do or say?
I meant stumbling over what to say to the kids. They ask questions or say things I'm rarely prepared for. Like my wife, they call the separation a D. When they say how much they miss me my impulse is always to say I wish I could be there. But it's obvious my W doesn't want me there. I don't want them thinking it's all mom's fault. It's confusing to me.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
You should probably have a conversation with your W about what you will both tell the kids. I don;t think the kids need to know the details other than to know you and your W are having some issues you are trying to work through, that you both love them very much and that no matter what, you will always be there for them.
It's ok to acknowledge you miss them too. Then spend as much time as you can with them - and don't worry about what your W thinks about that. They are your kids too, and they need both of you.
