Welcome to my first thread. Thank you for visiting and let me say how very much I appreciate the community here. You are all very special, each one of you.
My H walked away just over 1 year ago. After a short and very unhappy first marriage in my 20s (1st husband had a violent temper, I left after a few years because I had to, I learned a lot from that experience) I dated a lot in my 20s. There were a few significant long (several year) relationships after that but I waited 25 years to marry again. I learned something and grew from each relationship, like the lyrics of the song “Bless the Broken Road”
“Every long lost dream led me to where you are Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars Pointing me on my way into your loving arms This much I know is true God blessed the broken road That led me straight to you.”
When H and I met we both felt incredibly lucky to have found one another at this point in our lives (I was 47 and H was 50 when we met. Neither of us have children.). H had divorced his 1st wife 10 years earlier after 15 years of marriage and a long battle with her anorexia. Afterwards he went on a lot of “meet and greets” and had a few longer relationships, looking for someone to build a life with. My H was the love of my life…….my north star. We met 6 years ago on the 13th of September, bought a house together 1 year later, were married in a symbolic ceremony on a rooftop in Tuscany 3 years ago (Sept thirteenth), and were legally wed by a local judge on the following September thirteenth. The 13th of each month was very special to us. For the first 2 years we were together we exchanged cards on the 13th of every month. We told each other we would be together for the next 40 years, growing old together in the home we had renovated.
H walked out with next to no warning one year ago on the day before our 2 year anniversary. We had been going through a bit of a rough patch and H had become depressed and sullen 6 months earlier. He wanted me to work fewer hours (I DID work too much, about 60 hours/week) but because of the nature of my work I would probably have lost my job if I had cut back to a 40 hour work week. Sad but true. H did not tell me, however, the extent of his unhappiness. Until the bomb I thought we were having a normal power struggle and going through normal adjustments 5 years into our relationship. A month earlier we had scheduled with a MC but H refused to go after the bomb. H gave me no reason for his departure. It wasn’t until 6 months into the separation, when his fog began to clear a bit, that he told me he had left because he felt “abandoned by me” because I worked too much. I know now, based on a conversation we had 7 months post-bomb, that H felt abandoned by his parents as a child. His mother was an alcoholic and his father, who started a family business, worked all the time, it appears at least in part to escape. H and his siblings were “on their own”.
For the first 2 months post-bomb I did the normal post-bomb stuff, trying to appeal to H’s rational side (we had just finished renovating our home, finishing our retirement plans, we had both been around the proverbial block in relationships many, many times and both knew it’s not easy “out there”). H seemed very manic. Within 1-2 weeks he had told all of his friends and employees that we were getting divorced. He moved in with his 81 year old mother. There was no OW for the 1st 10 months after he left, according to two very reliable sources.
Two months post-bomb I found DB and DR. About that time H began to systematically march toward divorce. He filed for divorce just after New Years Day.
In December I was offered a new job, working 35 hr/wk (compared to 60 hr/wk previously) and earning about 70% more. This was truly divine intervention! The first of a handful of miracles in my situation. I work in a VERY specialized field and there are VERY few job opportunities. I told H about the job offer in mid-January. After that it was like a cloud lifted. He became friendlier. At the end of February I decided to leave a career that I had spent 20 years building, in large part to try and save my marriage.
H and I had our 1st and only meeting with the judge mid-February. Judge (a real arse) said “Well, you’ve only been married 1 year. We should be able to finish this really quickly.” My attorney informed H that since he had violated the terms of our prenup I had first option to buy our home. My state is a no-fault divorce state. My attorney told me the divorce could be final within 1 week. I worked to buy time, hoping H would come out of his fog.
After giving notice at my old job, H helped me move out of my office on a chilly March day. That month we spent several winter afternoons and evenings in “our” home negotiating the terms of the D decree. I always dressed very nicely, baked fresh artisan bread (olive loaf ……..a favorite of ours), had a fire in the fireplace, and offered wine. MWD would have been proud of me. After 1 or 2 meetings like this H actually started slicing bread and serving himself! It seemed he was beginning to take baby steps out of the fog…..
I only raised my voice two times during the past year. These were near the end of the negotiations when I said to H one afternoon “You didn’t even try to work on the M!” To this H said “I don’t know why I don’t want to work on the M and I don’t know if I will ever know why I don't want to work on the M.” It was after one of these meetings that H phoned me to say he wouldn’t fight me for our home. The home that held so many wonderful memories for both of us would be mine.
H continued to push for the D decree to be final. I felt like a “caged animal” with H shoving this D down my throat. I felt that I was done with H if he was going to force this on me without so much as even 1 MC session. I proposed that we complete the terms of the D decree but set the final date for the D 6 months into the future, November 7th. With my back against the wall I told H that if he forced the D at that point (April) he would be out of my life forever, because I didn’t want people that I can’t trust in my life. H responded by agreeing to the 6 month delay.
We signed the D decree and I bought the house 1 day before H’s 56th birthday at the end of April. The 6 month clock to the final D began ticking……….After signing, H and I had a lovely dinner together and I gave H some sweet little birthday presents. We hugged.
Two weeks later H came to the house to tell me that he was buying a house in 2 weeks and would be moving his things out 2 weeks later (he had signed the purchase offer 6 weeks earlier). On moving day, I cooked brats and served dinner to the moving crew. We all sat around the patio table chatting. A very friendly evening for everyone.
With the onset of summer and warmer weather my relationship with H continued to warm. We moved into friendship territory in June and have stayed there. It has been very clear since H’s fog began lifting in February that we still care for each other very much. It is truly amazing what DB techniques can accomplish! My friends and family have often said they can’t believe we have gotten to this point from where we were at the bomb. I have tried to move to stage 3 with limited success: we routinely give each other hugs when greeting and departing, H gave me a couple chaste kisses on the lips so I followed suit and initiated a couple chaste kisses of my own. In August I began slyly flirting with H, but minimal response so far.
About a month ago I found out that H had had an 8-9 week relationship with a woman he met through a mutual friend, 10 months after he walked away (began in July). They fought a lot, he criticized her for not being playful enough and not talking enough,…..he was planning to break it off with her but she beat him to it. She dumped him in a 3-4 page e-mail. That was about 1 month ago. My source said H was in a real funk afterward.
About 2 weeks after their break-up (mid-September) was the 1 year anniversary of the bomb and our 3 year wedding anniversary (also my birthday) ----- a real WAS trifecta. I flew across country to visit a college friend (platonic male friend but H seemed a bit threatened by that relationship in the past). H texted me on our wedding anniversary, saying he was at the hardware store getting something to make a repair at my house (no mention of anniversary). Two days later, 1 day after my birthday, H left a voice message on my phone saying he was sorry he had forgotten my birthday,….. “It’s not like I didn’t remember it. I remembered it a lot of times. But I don’t know. I can give you a lot of excuses why….a lot of things are in my head right now….” He invited me to dinner to celebrate my birthday.
Since the anniversary of the bomb I have been making myself much less accessible to H (ala Gucci loafer). The final D date is about 5 weeks away and I am beginning to come to terms with what is scheduled to happen that day but I have not given up! Ours was always a very special love …..and we still treat each other with loving kindness and consideration……I have resolved to continue to try turning him around until the D is final.
My birthday dinner is in 2 nights. I need to flirt with him and light up the room so that he can remember why he chose me 6 years ago. I am asking for advice from you men out there and you “flirty girls” to please help me prepare for what could be my last date with H….or the first date of our new relationship. Please send ideas and inspiration!
If you’ve read to the end of this novel I thank you!
All my best wishes to you in your DB-busting endeavors,
I can't claim to have special insight, but as a man I will say - men like to feel appreciated and strong. That "my north star" phrase you used about captures it. Talk to him about him being that (maybe not those exact words, but the ideas behind the metaphor).
Me: 35 W: 31 D10, S7, S2, S11 months M: 11 years Tricked into separation. In Last Resort.
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1800530#Post180053
OK. First, I am worried you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself pulling everything out on one date. I think that is unrealistic and is probably setting yourself up for disappointment. I do think you could look at this date as a possible step in the right direction.
Second, men are really just grown up little boys. Feeding our egos goes a long way as long as the compliments are genuine and sincere. We like it when a woman seems interested in us and seems like they want to know more about us. Showing interest in what we like to do is a biggie too.
And, we are visually stimulated. So, the outfit, the look, is important. It's the eyecatcher that makes us want to know more. Personally, I prefer elegantly sexy to smokin' hot sexy (but, that's not bad either).
As for flirting, I think you could learn alot from Dia's thread. She has done a wonderful job of wooing her H. Work in that look. Touch his hand if you are at that stage. Stay lokced in on him, but not overly so. Give him your attention.
Hopefully, she, and others who follow her thread will soon chime in.
I think, in the end, show genuine interest in your H. Let him know you think he is important. Give him the impression you are proud to be with him.
One final thing. Please have a great time, but do not have any expectations...none. What your H does/says is something over which you have no control. Just be in the moment, have fun and see where it goes.
I am a devotee of the Dia thread and recently (this past week) have repaired my own R and M.
Firstly, yes men are visual creatures and first impressions count, so you need to make sure you have on an outfit that you know will get your H's attention, depending on what he likes, whether it be getting the girls out there or whatever, he must have a preference for a look and you need to cater to that in part. You must smell good and a very big important thing is your smile, relaxed, confident the sort that gets attention.
Don't go in to hard with the flirting or he might be suspicious just be subtle. I am still learning the art of flirting, inspired by Dia, so please read her thread.
Others will be along soon. Good luck and just remember it won't happen overnight, so don't have any massive expectations about that one date.
Thank you VERY much for your replies!!! They are very much appreciated. I guess that the tone of my post made it sound as though I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to turn things around at dinner in 2 nights. I think that my tone is actually largely intended to rally "me" at this point.
I have been working with DB coach Jody for about 10 months. She and inspiration from reading posts here have helped me to slowly inch forward in baby steps over the past 12 months, largely through applying the approaches you recommended: showing and verbalizing appreciation for H, maintaining my physical appearance, and demonstrating a generous and playful spirit.
GIMA, your summary is a very good reminder to me and affirmation of how important "the basics" are. Thank you men for your input. It is MUCH appreciated! Dia, I look forward to hearing what you have to say.
I have been following your thread but missed the part where things turned around. Fabulous! I am very happy for you. I need to update myself on your thread. Can you put your finger on what helped to turn your H around?
Thanks for the reminder about not being too overt with the flirting.....and yes, I think 'the girls' will need to make an appearance.
If you read the last I think maybe 4 or 5 pages might be more not sure, you will see where my sitch went really pearshaped then came good.
As far as what turned it around, not sure, a combination of things I think, I at first thought the GALing and being mysterious worked against me as H became very aggressive and accused me of having an affair and it all got a bit yucky. In hindsight and as Gucci pointed out, it did work because his jealousy over the thought that I had moved on and found someone else got so bad that he moved out but had to keep coming back to me and in an odd way he was pursuing me. This all happened over a period of a week - accused, he moved out and then began chasing me.
Last Friday when he came looking for me, we ended up having a 5 hour conversation where nothing was left unsaid or not discussed.
So there is hope for everyone here, it just comes slowly for some and quickly for others and in different ways.
Just wanted to chip in and say hi! Dia's thread certainly got me thinking, H fell in love with a sassy, slim sixteen year old and the one thing he always remembered where my black jeans. Cue one Lost Rabbit on a sexy undies, nighty, heels and of course black jeans shopping expedition.. That combined with a silky top (H always complained about he couldnt grab hold of me in silky things) and a green bag (H hates green) all combined with a sassy new hair cut, new makeup, and manicure.. The DB 180's had certainly got his attention, and that combined with seeing the LR that used to be cheeky, sassy, sexy and of course just a tad rebellious we started working, so far so good he is still in his place and Im at home but according to my S21 H is in a tailspin and I intend to keep spinning him round and round a little more lol! So go back and think about what you were/wore/like on that first date, and maybe create a few memories that will send him into a tailspin..
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Thank you for your advice and encouragement. Yes, I was guilty of relaxing the "dress standards" after we got busy renovating our home and it was all I could do to keep all the balls in the air (work and home). The woman he fell for DID dress up.....so this time a BIG lesson I learned is that visual stimulation is so powerful for men. H always wanted me to show off 'the girls' but I was raised to be very modest and have always worked in male-dominated professions where I wanted to be respected on the merits of my abilities. Since DB'ing I have made BIG 180s in that department. A lot more skirts, dresses, and girls. It helps my PMA when I see men taking notice.
When I got busy I also gained weight (Ugh!). I had lost about 10 pounds pre-bomb and then 15 more came off post-bomb. I now weigh about what I weighed in my 20s. Five months ago H e-mailed me that I look the best that he has ever seen me. I joined a local cycling club (I have loved cycling for over 20 years but H wasn't a big fan, so now I get to go on long rides with nice people) and one benefit has been a nice, firm derriere. I can no longer hold a pencil under either cheek (Yeah!). A month ago H was over for dinner on the patio and I told him how firm my behind had become from cycling. I insisted that he grab my behind to check for himself......and he obliged, although not as enthusiastically as I would have hoped. By my estimate that was just a couple days after OW broke it off with him.
It appears that all of my 180s (appearance-wise and fun-wise) helped to make the OW (9 week relationship) appear so much less desirable that H was planning to break it off with her before she broke it off with him.
I flew across country to visit a college friend (platonic male friend but H seemed a bit threatened by that relationship in the past). H texted me on our wedding anniversary, saying he was at the hardware store getting something to make a repair at my house (no mention of anniversary). Two days later, 1 day after my birthday, H left a voice message on my phone saying he was sorry he had forgotten my birthday,….. “It’s not like I didn’t remember it. I remembered it a lot of times. But I don’t know. I can give you a lot of excuses why….a lot of things are in my head right now….” He invited me to dinner to celebrate my birthday. 
It helps my PMA when I see men taking notice.