I agree, Steph, sit back, talk about a roller coaster!!!Your w really has some major uncertanties...but she is including you, none of us know the real her, but it sure sounds like she does not want it to be over. I know I am not at the place to be offering much, I think she really wants you to be a part of her life, she is not sure how, what, when.... Sue p.s. don't question her invitations, go if you really want to be there, don't if you are only doing it because it seems right.
Quote: ...and for heavens sake when you get an invitation....don't question her motives...
My fear here is that she wants me around simply to aliviate her own guilt! That is far from my goal. I fear she may be starting (or thinking of) a new realtionship with someone new, but feels extremely guilty for 1-leaving me 2- breaking up the family 3- my spending Christmas alone BECAUSE of no.1...leaving me. I have no intention of being her fix! She must deal with her own guilt and leave me out of it!
Quote: but it sure sounds like she does not want it to be over
Oh but she does...says she does, and worries that these invitations give me that same impression (that it is not over). So again, why is she doing it? I dont have the answer! Other than guilt that is!
BTW...she just called me at work ??? Asen`t done that in a while. Now, I have to keep MY expectations and hopes in check! Dont want to go down that road again!
Can you have a really good talk with her, not r talk, but i guess try to find out what she really wants from you? She must know that you are still going to be the best Dad for your d, so what is she wanting??I think I would be so frustrated if my h kept stating over and over that the m is over, and then kept coming around. That is an emotional game that you can only take so much of.I commend you for the patience.Good luck on this new journey.. sue
Oh but she does...says she does, and worries that these invitations give me that same impression (that it is not over). So again, why is she doing it?
ya ya ya steph, she says it's over there is no chance for a reconcile...we've all heard it before...he'll I don't even want to count how many times my h told me point blank he wasn't comming home...didn't want to work on the marriage bla bla bla...
keep doing what your doing, stay focused on you and your d...don't worry what her intentions are....I'd bet she herself doesn't clearly know...
Well, I got invited to supper again tonight, then to stay over to paint some of the Xmas decorations we made over the weekend, then to drop by tomorow, then Wednesday...but she is like this only when SHE has our d. When it becomes MY week, she dissapears!
i'm going to follow your thread from now on, because your wife reminds me of my husband. He says he knows he wants a divorce but this weekend alone he came over early to watch the kids so I could go back to bed both mornings, raked my leaves, had dinner with us, went with me to take the kids to brunch with Santa and did my grocery shopping. I see him more now than I did before he moved out. If these people suffer so much guilt then how did they get the guts to leave in the first place? Good Luck!
Quote: I see him more now than I did before he moved out. If these people suffer so much guilt then how did they get the guts to leave in the first place?
I know where you are coming from . It is a good first step for you to realize that it DID take a lot of guts for him to leave! We sometimes forget that their decision was not a spur of the moment thing and not something they took lightely...understanding this, feeling some compassion (if not total understanding) does take a lot of the pain and anger away.
For now, I just need to journal a bit...because I feel myself become attached again and it scares me!
My worry is that, as I have stated earlier, I am only a quick fix to her pain and guilt. She is looking elswhere for the love and emotional, and yes, the physical closeness we once had. I do have a role to play, she does seem to need me, but for what purposes and is it a role I am willing to play? Do I really want to be there for her whenever she needs me but absent whenever she does not? Will she simply "dump" me again if all of a sudden she finds someone else to fill the void in her life? I am there for her quite a bit when she has our daughter, but she is not there for me when I have our daughter! She is out and about "trying" to built herself a new life, trying to find happiness, and that may include a new man in her life...and when she feels guilty, all she needs to do is call me up, invite me to supper, have a grand old time, and "use" me to a certain degree! (just venting a bit here!)
I feel her becoming closer:
the many calls (again, always when SHE has our daughter...she has no time to call when she does not)
The many invitations to do things together (Christmas eve, shopping for Xmas trees, making decorations, supper)
The kisses (on the cheeks always) when we part company...initiated by her lately
But then, she keeps on planning her life without me and is spending quite a bit of money to become comfortable in her own little appartment. Not the actions of a woman thinking of reconciliation!
So my worry is that she is, once again, drawing me in closer, but not willing or capable of loving me. I am therefore left by the way side, hurt and confused yet again.
I am spending too much time with her! Not that I dont enjoy it, but when I have our daughter, I am not really able to go out, meet new people, begin a new friendship/relationship (?). And when I DONT have my daughter...well, I still spend most of my time with my wife and daughter. When my wife does not have our daughter, she is out, meeting new people, beginning a new friendship/relationship (?).
I dont epect any answers...a journal entry and nothing else!
LL, IS RIGHT! My W would voluntarily remind me that she no longer wanted to be my W for least 2-3 times a week in a four month stretch. Tough keeping a strong PMA when they continue offer their opinion even when you don't ask, but then she suddenly changed her mind.
Remember how I was saying its a battle of wills. I believe she is trying more to convince herself of what she is telling you, but something deep down inside is not allowing her to be convinced and she hasn't discovered why yet, so when the time comes she tells you its over and you believe it then she will be able convince herself it is over.
Everytime, my W told me that it was over, I would politely reply, "I'm sorry, but I don't believe that." and drop it or walk away. When she did change her mind, she thanked me for always believing and for never giving up.
Steph, the way she wants to continue close contact with you, over time I don't think she will ever convince herself it is truely over and then will start doubting why she really thought that.
Hang in there, Steph. It will take as long as it takes and if you give her every oppurtunity to turn herself around eventually she will get there.
I have to admit that having compassion for his decision and his turmoil is one of my biggest problems. I've always been the kind of person who made good choices (except for my choice of husband!) and did "the right thing" , so I just don't understand someone who can't follow the rules and has self destructive behavior. Sounds like your wife is trying to make sure you don't get very many opportunities to meet someone else or socialize with adults. I also think that my h feels like he's in a safe position because I have so little opportunity to meet someone. I'm starting to go out more by myself and letting my husband know about it. I always make it sound more exciting than it really is, but all's fair in love and war!
. It is a good first step for you to realize that it DID take a lot of guts for him to leave! We sometimes forget that their decision was not a spur of the moment thing and not something they took lightely...understanding this, feeling some compassion (if not total understanding) does take a lot of the pain and anger away. 