My first post....don't think it's worth it.

[DynamicGal]

I've been lurking and wanting to post and then not wanting to post, but I've had it tonight, so here goes...not the whole story, but an abbreviated version.

I’m trying really hard to make my marriage last, but I’m not sure it’s going to work. I’ve been reading Divorce Busting and I really want to agree that this can work but other times I don’t think it’s worth it. I think I’m going to spend too much time and effort into making this work and not accomplish my other goals, such as completing my degree. I don’t think I can have my cake and eat it too. Our marriage reads like the book. Arguing about stupid stuff, being irritated with one another. Not wanting to spend time with each other. I’ve learned to ignore a lot of stuff, but it still bothers me.

For the last year I’ve dealt with my husband being off work….not because he couldn’t find a job, but because he didn’t want a job. He worked part-time for a friend for a little while. Then he wanted to stay home and get things done around the house. Well, he got a few things done but not as many as he should have because he spent most of his time sleeping and on the internet. He expected that when I got home from work that I would help him do things around the house and then got mad when I didn’t feel like doing a big project when I walked in the door. After many months of being stressed out about the bills, I finally told him that starting in Oct, he would have to pay half the bills and he needed to figure out how to do that. So he looked for a job and had one in 3 days.

So then, he has a job and whines that he’s tired…comes home and goes to sleep or lays on the couch and watches tv until he falls asleep. HELLO!! You are an adult now and things gotta get done. I asked him, if I signed up for another college class if he would continue to help around the house and he said yes. So tonight, I took care of the dogs, WE (that’s good) made dinner. And then he was supposed to take care of the horses and bring in the plants so I could do homework. I was doing homework for a while, went downstairs and there he was ASLEEP! And the horses had not been fed and the plants still on the porch. I woke him up and asked nicely if he took care of the horses and he said I’m going in a minute. Then 20 minutes later I took care of them and brought the plants in. Then he gave me 20 questions about it. I told him not to worry and to go back to sleep because everything is done! And NO I wasn’t happy about it!

He is so insensitive anymore, I say I’m sick he says he wants some! What’s up with that? Is that not rude and insensitive to only think of yourself when someone is sick? I point it out and he just keeps trying. I don’t get it.

I don’t know what to do. He isn’t supportive of my schooling though he says he is. Why does he come home and fall asleep? This has to be either laziness, carelessness, or sickness. I’m lost and it makes me so angry! I’m tired too, but I know I have responsibilities so I do them. I’m tired of fighting with him and there are so many battles to pick, I don’t think I have time to fix them all.

[tristan]

Have you two talked about MC?

[sgctxok]

Hi Determined,

Man, you are in an irritating situation! Tristan has logical advice, but I imagine you'd be wasting your money with MC. And it would be worse because you'd be prolonging the problem.

Michele talks about taking ACTION. And there are so many creative possibilities that are shy of ultimatums and divorce. My mind is going blank while I'm typing the best one for you right now is titled something like 'A Woman's Guide to Changing Her Man'...I'll look it up and re-post. But your guy has to be re-trained. Like potty training. It's annoying, and exhausting. And...don't bother wasting your words. You need action.

[sgctxok]

It's GETTING THROUGH TO THE MAN YOU LOVE. And it's seriously inexpensive through Amazon, and most likely even this site. There's a great chapter on SIT STAY, COME.

You will feel so not helpless.


In the meantime, honey....DROP THE BALL. I know it's hard or impossible, and you might not even be willing. DO NOT have the conversation. But if he doesn't do what he is supposed to do DO NOT DO IT YOURSELF. He knows you will do it. Shock him.

DO NOT HAVE THE FIGHT. YOU WILL LOSE A LOT by having the fight. It might FEEL satisfying. Just don't do the work. And don't engage in the argument that ensues. Just fall asleep on the couch.

[Forrest Gump]

"I’m trying really hard to make my marriage last, but I’m not sure it’s going to work."

So.. what you are saying is that you are gonna work on it even though you know you will fail?

Hmmm.

"I’ve been reading Divorce Busting and I really want to agree that this can work but other times I don’t think it’s worth it. I think I’m going to spend too much time and effort into making this work and not accomplish my other goals, such as completing my degree. I don’t think I can have my cake and eat it too. Our marriage reads like the book. Arguing about stupid stuff, being irritated with one another. Not wanting to spend time with each other. I’ve learned to ignore a lot of stuff, but it still bothers me."

Read my first comment.

"For the last year I’ve dealt with my husband being off work….not because he couldn’t find a job, but because he didn’t want a job. He worked part-time for a friend for a little while. Then he wanted to stay home and get things done around the house. Well, he got a few things done but not as many as he should have because he spent most of his time sleeping and on the internet. He expected that when I got home from work that I would help him do things around the house and then got mad when I didn’t feel like doing a big project when I walked in the door. After many months of being stressed out about the bills, I finally told him that starting in Oct, he would have to pay half the bills and he needed to figure out how to do that. So he looked for a job and had one in 3 days."

not the whole story, but an abbreviated version.

Got ya.

"He is so insensitive anymore, I say I’m sick he says he wants some! What’s up with that? Is that not rude and insensitive to only think of yourself when someone is sick? I point it out and he just keeps trying. I don’t get it."

Random thought?

"I don’t know what to do."

Welcome to DB.com.

"He isn’t supportive of my schooling though he says he is. Why does he come home and fall asleep? This has to be either laziness, carelessness, or sickness. I’m lost and it makes me so angry! I’m tired too, but I know I have responsibilities so I do them. I’m tired of fighting with him and there are so many battles to pick, I don’t think I have time to fix them all."

Are you a "fixer" at heart?