After browsing so many sitch's, I decided to join and share my sitch with everyone on this board. I feel like everyone on this board gives wonderful advice and support. I am glad I finally joined.
Here is my sitch:
Girlfriend turns 32 in late March. She begins to distance from our 3 year old S and myself. Drops bomb in mid-April and says that she is thinking about moving out. I went ahead and tried to make some changes even though she did not give any specific things that lead to her decision. When I asked her why she wanted to move out, she said because I did not change a lot of our S diapers (huh?).
Come Mother's Day weekend, she decides to go visit family out of state for the weekend. Returns from overnight visit and completely blows off my son and I on Mother's Day. That's when I noticed that something was wrong with her. She did not want to spend any time with either of us. She looked like she was going to cry when she saw presents and cheesecake me and my son made for her. She ends up leaving that afternoon to get some space. She returns and lays in bed looking completely lost.
She continued to say that she wanted to move out after Mother's Day. After a rough weekend, I decided to move out for a few days to give her some space. Even after spending a few days out of the apartment, she continued to state that she wanted to leave. That's when I decided to move out and go to my parents. She allowed me to take S with me to my parents so she could focus on finding an apartment even though she had already been " looking" for almost two months.
Once we moved out, she spent minimal time with our son and I. Always had an excuse for not seeing me or our S. I began to suspect OM, but I had no concrete evidence. She states that my son can live with me since she just wanted to live on her own. Towards the end of June, she finds an apartment 30 minutes away and moves out. My family and I do not hear from her for 1 week. Finally shows up on July 3rd to pick my S. Yet, does not want to tell me her new address. She spends the entire 4th of July weekend with our S even though she tried to bring home sooner.
So for a 2 months, I sit and ponder what went wrong. Once I found this site and read MLC for Dummies and the 6 stages of MLC, I knew that was 100% her. She followed the MLC for Dummies script to perfection (cake eating, button pushing, emotional detachment,lies and deceit, etc).
Finally, I decided to investigate if there was another man. Two weeks ago, I find out that she has indeed moved in with an 36-year old single man with 2 D's that live in the state that borders ours to the east. The OM man works at the same company she works at. So, I believe EA began in April.
So, now me and my son have moved in with my parents until we find a home. We are currently looking to purchase a home since I have accumulated enough for a down payment. Yet, my Son's mother has not helped out financially in any way. She only comes by to pick our son on Saturday's. She spends at most 24 hrs with him. She does not contact my son or I during the week at all. She even failed to call him or visit him on his birthday a month ago.
The first few months have been rough for both of us. My son has been accustomed to not having his mother around. I am trying to hold it all together. Luckily, I have a wonderful family and close friends to help me through this.
Since she has left, I have not contacted her unless it dealt with our son. She never answers the phone and only communicates via text message.
So, now that she has moved in with other man, she says she is "happy" yet her actions show a different picture. Friends from her work say she looks depressed and does not socialize with the majority of fellow employees. Her cigarette use has increased, lost a lot of weight and looks unhealthy (drugs?).
I definitely know she is in the replay stage, with a mixture of depression and withdrawal. So, I have now decided to grab a seat on the curb and watch her go by.
I know that she misses us because she gets emotional the few times we have talked about our situation.
So, please feel free to stop by and discuss my sitch or any other thing. I look forward to giving any other information that can help us get through this ordeal.
It sounds like you have taken the time to learn about this.
Quote:
When I asked her why she wanted to move out, she said because I did not change a lot of our S diapers (huh?).
You will hear all sorts of crazy stuff like this. Let it roll off your back. Blah blah blah, however, if there is any chance you ever hear her mention anything that should ring true, stop and take a look and make some changes. There is always room for improvement.
Quote:
The first few months have been rough for both of us. My son has been accustomed to not having his mother around. I am trying to hold it all together. Luckily, I have a wonderful family and close friends to help me through this.
Right now he needs you like never before. Keep your focus on that little guy.
Quote:
Since she has left, I have not contacted her unless it dealt with our son. She never answers the phone and only communicates via text message.
Good man.... keep this up. You probably already know that no amount of begging, chasing, reasoning or anything else will work. Letting her go is your only option.
Quote:
Friends from her work say she looks depressed and does not socialize with the majority of fellow employees. Her cigarette use has increased, lost a lot of weight and looks unhealthy (drugs?).
Depression, running from themselves and lack sleep will make them look ragged. Who knows for sure about the drugs, some do travel down that path. Your concern should be about your son right now, let her blow in the wind. SHE has to come to the realization ALL ON HER OWN.
Quote:
So, I have now decided to grab a seat on the curb and watch her go by.
Yes all you can do is distance yourself from her craziness. Grab a seat to catch your breath, but whatever you do DON'T STAND STILL. The world keeps on turning. Your life and your son's cannot and should not stop. Keep learning, keep growing, and keep improving.
Try to keep yourself from discussing this with too many people. Come here with it, and please don't be afraid to post on other people's threads. This is how you make friends. We are all in this together....alone (J3B+$0.05)
Now that we know a little about your situation, how are you doing at this point in time? It's great that you are looking for a house. What else are you doing for you?
Drew Your girlfriend is following the script Many of them whether MLC or quarterlife crises abandon their kids they are looking for a quick fix with a new R but ofcourse we know it doesnt work but it takes a long time for them to see
It is very tramatic for the kids ..you do seem like you are holding it together for your son though find ways to take care of yourself too eat, sleep get therapy this is very difficult but remember the criss was not about you but her you cant stop or change it jusy support her thru it and take care of your s peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Here are consistencies not addressed as often in the script.
Not about the OM, lies, finding one's self, or life on the other planet. This is serious.
You're the only sane one and your son depends on that from you. This is not what you expected or wanted but it is for you to deal with. Do not sit around thinking this person is going to become normal any time soon. She is currently happy seeking what she now defines as normal, and has no incentive to change.
Any change from her will only come in time, and if it does, it may not be the kind of change you would hope for now. Do not plan around her. Take care of yourself and your family. She is losing weight on what others here call the Divorce Diet. She is going through the "emotional divorce" that would come before an actual change. It may not bring her to her senses. Be very careful what you say or print about having enough money to buy a house. Make sure your screen name does not match a web search of your real name. If so, it is easy to change here, and wise to do.
You two have a child. At the moment you two aren't friends, she is not who she was. You are parents with shared financial and legal interests. You need to start considering how you'll protect yourself and your son from insanity. She may have some legal rights, and she may find some incentive to take a financial interest in any assets you think you have, whether you believe this or not.
I assume you can find a legal professional in your area that will allow you one free consultation to determine what course(s) of action you should be prepared to take, or defend. Right now you may not see your son living every other week with the OM and his kids, or sending half your financial interests across state lines. Things do not always get resolved the way we think they will.
Talk to someone about your need to document her current living arrangements, your finances, or her fitness to parent your child. Your expectations or ours do not always match the court's interpretations and do NOT assume this person will not have you in front of a judge before she comes to her senses.
Her OM may not want to change diapers either, but he or her friends may coach her into defining what she may rightfully try to claim. Your position may actually be stronger for now in your parents home if that contributes to the welfare of your son. I don't know. We here don't know. We do want the best for you all.
These concerns would not flash in front of me if I had not seen so many cases of insanity inflicting extreme unreasonable suffering upon those left in the wake of MLC (or QLC for those claiming to be too young for MLC = semantics).
Our prayers are that you care for yourself and son; that you find wisdom to do good and strength to persevere. Stay healthy. Love yourself, your son, and those that support you. Don't try turning any family against her, that's her job. She'll do quite well on her own. When her family learns what she is doing and comes down on her, expect bloodlines to turn that around into support for her and her claims.
Good Luck buddy, we really want the best for you both - but she just ain't right.
Well, besides spending time with my son, I continue to go to the gym. Plus, I follow my favorite college and NFL football teams. Since my son is 3, most of my time is spent with him.
I have been lurking for about two months now. I found some similarities with my situation. That's why I decided to join. Plus, everyone supports each other.
I have found legal counsel and was advised to file for custody with child support since we are not married. Since she was not providing for my son, I decided to proceed with my case. She received court papers last week. Yet, she has not said much about them. I think she is surprised that I filed. I feel like I had no choice since we are not married. Everytime I wanted to discuss our son's situation, she threatened to take him and move in with her.
I know she is lost. My family sees it in her, especially my mother. We all feel bad since she really does not have any family. Her mother passed away more than 10 years ago. I know that caused her a lot of pain. She did not want to talk about it much.
A MLCer sometimes feels it's the "family structure" that is smothering them. That's why some of them abandon their families. The reasons are not going to be good enough for your mind. You are not an MLCer. Just trust me on this: the MLCers mind is a complete wreck and very little, if anything, that they do WHILE in MLC can be considered healthy, life-affirming or otherwise normal.
The urge to run, to recapture some illusive thing they think they've missed out on consumes some MLCers. An inability to deal with life on life's terms lights the fire that's under their butts. All they feel is sad, dissatisfied, angry...and more often than not, they do not know why. Something is just "wrong" and it drives them to try to find something that makes them feel "all right". That is, of course, what eludes them. But a new person brings restored hope, albeit not by any of the MCLers previous standards. It's a lie. The new person, and the "hope" the MLCer thinks they bring, it's all a lie. And merely a symptom of what's going on in the scrambled, emotional mind of the MLCer.
Lastly, she's rebelling against all that was - which she has probably deluded herself into thinking was the root of her problem. That's another lie. But she has to come to that conclusion all on her own and the ride to get to that conclusion is going to be rough for all who love her. But it won't be more rough than it's going to be for her.
She ain't on a picnic, tiptoeing thru tulips without a care in the world.
She's in a life crisis.
The best thing for you is to be strong, take care of your son and do some introspection of your own. A MLC offers the chance for BOTH of you to grow. No matter what SHE does, do not blow yours.
Peace!
"Let anyone who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall" 1 Cor. 10:12
