8 months into it, first post

[EJohn]

Hello all,

I've been lurking for quite a while, and felt I should finally register and post my situation. While I'm still on the fence about saving my marriage, this place has helped a great deal for my own mental health.

Background - started dating in September of 2001, moved in together in 2002, bought our house in 2003. Proposed in 2003. Wife got pregnant at the end of 2003, and we a had quick courhouse wedding in 2004 due to finances (insurance really). She's been married before, but it wasn't the wedding I wanted, planned on "renewing" our vows for our fifth anniversary (didn't quite make it though) and have a typical wedding...fast forward a few years...

We had two children close together, which was pretty stressful. Our marriage became stagnant, plus I was working a job that would tend to throw me from a nice 7-4 M-F hours, to swing shift, and then back again. This was hard on everyone. She also had changed jobs a little over a year ago. She was apprehensive since it was out of her comfort zone. Two years ago, her parents moved about 10 hours away, and it was devestating for her. She went on anti depressants, and I didn't support her enough during that time. I didn't think she needed the drugs, but was also unaware how hard her parents moving away hit her. Huge mistake on my part. Communication was always hard, she was a self proclaimed loner, and frequently pushed me away. I think at some point I stopped trying because it always felt like rejection.

Last fall I felt that we were just not spending enough time together, and that she wasn't spending enough time by herself without the kids. I was on the swing shift which made it difficult, and we didn't have a big pool of babysitters. (I know now that they were just excuses to not try hard, for both of us) She started to spend more time out with friends, which I thought was great. But she ended going out with "friends" from work. When she started to get really cold towards me, and make excuses to not go out together, I suspected the affair. She was going out and not coming home, would be very cold and not acknowledge my existence the next day, etc. This had started in January.

I finally confirmed the affair in March after about 3 months of torture, she'd deny and be nice for a while, then it would start again. The whole time her mother told me that she was in depression and that she needed to go to the doctor (knowing of the affair the whole time).

I, naturally, did all the things your not supposed to do, begged, pleaded, cried etc. I did not leave the house when she first told me the affair was real. I was stubborn, if she isn't happy, then she can leave. Why should I leave the house that I built, why should I change my entire life when she was the one cheating? After 3 days, I left. It was killing me, and since I had family close, it was easiest. Again, I did a few things you shouldn't do, started binge drinking, calling her in the middle of the night, driving by my house to see his truck parked in my driveway, not good.

April was a blur. We managed to speak to each other enough to alternate weeks with the kids, and figure out our finances so that we wouldn't lose the house. I paid half of the two mortages and that was it. In May, she had a consultation with a lawyer, but told me that she wasn't going to file. I said that I didn't want to get divorced, and agreed that more time was needed since this is a huge decision. About ten days later I was served papers. When looking at the papers, I noticed that the date stamp was before she told me that she wasn't going to file. Which was a little unnerving, but she had been lying for over 6 months, so it wasn't too suprising.

Brief rundown of Temp Order hearing 06/25/09 - she tried to take the kids from me, 100% placement on her part, wanted maintenance and child support, and the house. (I suspect that was out of anger from when I called her while drinking) I went with a 50/50 split on placement, no maintenance, and my belongings from the house. I won, so I was happy, losing my kids would have been devastating.

July 1st I was able to get my own apartment since I was no longer obligated to pay on the house. This was huge for me. I love my parents, but moving in with them wasn't ideal, and it was harder with my children.

I'm going to stop for today, getting quite long. I'll add more tomorrow.

[sandi2]

Welcome to the community. Are you looking for anything particular from the board? I noticed you did not ask any questions, and said you were on the fence about whether or not to try to save your M. Do you feel that it is worth saving....or is it that you don't know if it "can" be save?

[Ready2Change]

Glad you found this web site. It has been a great place for support and understanding. We are not alone.

Thanks for sharing. Great job standing up and being dad for your kids! 50/50 is what I have also. I live by - "what is best for my kids is best for me".

Not sure what books you have read, but I have my favorites listed in the first post of my thread....

Keep up the good work for your kids. You are their role model.

[EJohn]

Thanks for the welcome. My post is more of a history and it was getting quite long since I started 8 months into it. I have more to add to get up to date. That's where the questions will come in. I haven't read any books. Read many websites, and spent a lot of time on here. So....

After I got my apartment, things got better. Not as in the relationship, but I was feeling better. I had a place that I could call home with my children, and I wasn't freeloading off of my parents. Things were still pretty tense between us. I was having a lot of trouble understanding why, and she wasn't willing to talk to me about it. At times she would act like she wanted to talk, then retreat. She had cried during the temp order hearing, and called me the next day saying she had thought about talking to me about it, and just getting everything out there. But it didn't happen. After that I tried talking to her about it, and she would just clam up. So I stopped trying to talk to her, and left all communication to email, and short phone conversations about the kids. No R talk, no small talk. Kids only. I had resided myself to moving on with life without her. We occasionally would have emails about the R, but they were about how our R would be going forward with the kids. Since they she was done with work before me, she'd pick them up from daycare, and then I'd pick them up from her house. It was pretty hard to have to see her almost daily, and I wasn't always happy to see her, which I would assume didn't help. I knew she was bringing the OM around the kids, almost immediately after I left, maybe even before, which I do not agree with. (who does really)

There were quite a few days that I'd pick the kids up, and his truck is parked in the drive way. We had an agreement early on that he would not be there when I picked up the kids. It happened occasionally before the temp order, but after it was everyday. I felt, at the time, she was doing it on purpose to hurt me, but looking back, I don't think she thought she was doing anything wrong. Her friends have told me as much. Anyway, one day when I picking up the kids, I politely told her, if he's going to be here when I get the kids, then she can start dropping them off when I get home. I left it at that. The next day in email she accuses me of being an A@#. I politely responded that I was reminding her of our agreement, and that her dropping them off by me would be a good compromise, then he's in her life, not in mine. Actually, all she had to do was park the truck in the garage, I just don't want to see it. It was like a knife in the heart each time. The emails went back in forth, I was polite and straight forward IMHO, she was rather mean and hurtful. The conversation ended with her saying "I really miss talking to you"

more later

[sandi2]

The conversation ended with her saying "I really miss talking to you"

Regardless of her hurtful emails, I would take that one statement as meaning she still had feelings for you. That was her way of saying she missed "you".....period.

[EJohn]

I'm journaling quite a bit, it does feel good to finally put this out. Kind of feel like I'm in a Lifetime movie.

So she left off with the "I really miss talking to you" email. I felt she was just playing mind games with me, so I didn't respond. Her email went from scathing to polite in a matter of hours, so I didn't linger on it.

The days went by, and for the most part were ok. I got my stuff out of the house, little contact with her. I was doing things for myself again. Bought new clothes when I could afford it. Went into credit card debt while trying to furnish my apartment. Nothing high dollar, just amazes me how much you spend on the little things for a kitchen! Was going out with my friends on the weekends when she has the kids. (she gets a babysitter and goes out drinking when she has the kids, doesn't seem right to me) I started whitening my teeth, tried and failed to quit smoking a few times, gonna try again. Signed up for a gym, trying to hit that more often.

I actually have more confidence now than before this mess started. It's strange, for thirty years I never felt attractive, never called "hot", but now I get hit on almost every time I go out. Not being arrogant, it's just so weird that I'm actually embarrassed. One of my female friends said that I carry myself differently now. Idk, just plain weird. I put up a good front around people, trying to show that I'm strong and that I'll make it thru this. At this point, I was done feeling sorry for myself and crying whenever something reminded me of her.

In August, she asked me if I wanted to go with her and the kids to a town about an hour away (yearly festival) because they were having plane rides, the kids saw the commmercials and were pestering her about it. I was working the night shift, but said I'd go. If the kids were going on a plane, it was best that we were both there. Plus I felt she was testing the waters. I took a three hour nap after work, and she picked me up. We had a good time. She dropped me off with enough time to take another nap before work, man I was tired. This was a Saturday. Monday, I get an email from her saying that she had a good time, and that it was nice spending time with me. She stated that she wanted to give us a try again, didn't know how I felt, and just wanted to put the idea out there. I told her I didn't know how to respond, and she just said, that's ok, you don't have to right now, have a nice week with the kids. This is where I started having problems again, didn't know if she was serious, if she was just using me, checking to see if her safety net was available, etc.

She again emailed me that she would like to give us a try, and that I had been right the whole time, she didn't blame me, she wasn't happy, and didn't want a divorce.

The next weekend we had our daugter's birthday party. We did it together to share the costs. It was mainly a kid's party at a bowling alley, and we had mutual friends there with the kids. We had a nice time together, and I began to feel like she might be serious. Sunday night, I replied to her email and said that I'd be willing to try us again. I know it won't be easy and that we'd both have to make changes and work hard at it.

Monday rolls around. I drive past her place (it's on my way to work) and his truck is in her driveway. What? Why would you tell you stbx husband that you don't want a divorce, and then have your boyfriend around the next day? Uhh. I know, cheaters lie. but that really hurt. I was a mess that entire day. I get to work, and she had responded to the email. She was going back to the doctor to go back on meds, claims her moods flip back and forth around her period. She says she knows that she needs to make changes and that she has to clear out people in her life that don't need to be there. I was hurting from seeing his truck there that morning, so I responded by saying, I really want to believe you, but it's pretty hard to when his truck is in your driveway. (mistake?) Emails go back and forth to the point she says that it's none of my business, and she's not going to go into the details about why he was there, and that I wouldn't believe it anyway. Am I wrong in thinking that it is my business? When you tell someone you don't want to get divorced, and that you want to reconcile, shouldn't you not have the OM around? Or at the very least, don't make it so obvious that he's still in the picture? (I don't take that way to work anymore) So I've basically said that if and when she clears him out, she can talk to me and see if I'm still willing to try us again, and that emails will go back to being strictly about the kids.

So this is where I'm on the fence. Do I wait patiently, while moving on with my own life, and see if she's actually serious? To me it feels like she just wants to party and play (that's all the OM is good for), and that when she's done playing I'm supposed to just take her back. I'm not going to be someone's number 2. I want to be with someone that wants to be with me. I just don't understand. I'm really confused on how you tell someone that you want to be together, then do the complete opposite. (just for understanding, I do not believe anything she says, and very little of what I see) I often wonder what would have happened if I didn't see his truck in the driveway, where would we be now?

Ok, so I've written a novel. Thank you in advance for anyone who's made it this far!

[EJohn]

So here's an excerpt from the last R type email on 9/14, before I mentioned the OM being at her house.

"I am going back to the Dr on Thursday. Not Dr Tony but to the woman that prescribed those meds for me. I do not feel unstable or anything but I really think they would help with my emotions and to keep them in check. They get real flip floppy at the "period" times of the month. I tend to cry a lot and become very distant with ppl around me, kind of shut down. Being with the kids helps me during those weeks , they make me very happy even when S can be hard to handle. He has really become my rock in all this, he is a very special little boy.
Anyway, this is going to take lots of time and I need to clear the ppl out of my life that dont need to be there. I am aware there are a lot of changes I need to make."

I really didn't notice the "going to take lots of time" comment. Maybe that means it's going to take time to deal with the OM, to eliminate him out of her head before she can work on us? To me I would think you just tell the person to go away, but I've read enough on here to know that's not the case. Maybe I jumped the gun again. I know it has to be on her timeline, and not mine. The not knowing if she's being honest is the worst.

She has the kids this week, so there shouldn't be any contact with her until Wednesday evening, and then only briefly. Were going to a court mandated class for Children in the Middle next week Thursday. It's a three hour class, and it's an hour drive. We're riding together (so 5 hours together), so I guess we'll see what next week brings.

[pearlharbr]

EJohn,

I just have a minute but wanted to stop in. I have read through your whole thread and think you're doing a good job.

So this is where I'm on the fence. Do I wait patiently, while moving on with my own life, and see if she's actually serious? To me it feels like she just wants to party and play (that's all the OM is good for), and that when she's done playing I'm supposed to just take her back. I'm not going to be someone's number 2. I want to be with someone that wants to be with me.

Good for you. How long you wait is up to you. You told her that when she's done with OM she can ask you if you're still willing to work on things. I would add, "But I will not put my life on hold and I will not wait forever." And you shouldn't.

I just don't understand. I'm really confused on how you tell someone that you want to be together, then do the complete opposite.

She's cake eating. If she knows you'll be around no matter what then her behavior will not change. If she sees you walking away then that may be the wakeup call she needs.

Example from my own sitch: BF told me he wanted to work things out with me while he was living with OW. Uh, I don't think so. I said we had nothing to discuss unless and until he was finished with her and I stuck to it. He kept wanting to talk and I refused to see him until he told me he was no longer in contact with her (and then even that was a lie because I walked in on them standing a foot apart, but that's another story.)

[EJohn]

Thanks for the response. Yes, definitely feel she's cake eating, and that I'm her safety net. Next week will be interesting when were together for 5 plus hours without the kids. So far, anytime she has reality hit her, that's when she starts having second thoughts on divorce, so the class might jar something in her. I've already told her that I'm not waiting by the phone for her.

I had started to date a very wonderful woman a month back, but then my stbx started in on the reconcilation talks, and it put me back on the roller coaster, so I broke it off, don't want to drag someone else down. I don't think she knows I was dating someone. I thought about asking one of her friends to somehow let it slip, but that just feels like mind games, and I'm not intersted in doing that. A few months back a female coworker friend of mine was hanging with the me and the kids every so often, and the kids would tell her about it. That really bugged her. Of course then I'd get the "I'm happy for you and I hope I get to meet her someday....just want you to be happy" emails. My friend is engaged, and there was never anything going on between us, but still, got her mind going.

I don't know how to show I've moved on without actually dating someone. Last week I wouldn't answer my cell when she'd call, and I wouldn't respond to the voicemail for a few hours or the next day, unless it was important, kids. Then when I did finally answer the phone, she asked why I was being short, not answering the phone, and accused me of being an a@# again. I told her that I just wasn't interested in talking to her. Then I started thinking that I wasn't being an attractive person, who would want to be with someone like that, so I reverted back to being happy around her. Figure I will look good whether she comes back to me or not. If she does mention getting back together again, I'll do the same and say there nothing to discuss until he's gone. I think it's a pretty big IF at this point, but who knows.

Times running out. Only 43 days left till the final hearing. I'm meeting with the lawyer October 8th to put a proposal together. I'm hoping that she asks for an extension, one to give us more time, and two, I think she'll lose the house when she stops recieving money from me. She gets $160 a month to equalize debt. That'll stop after the final. If she loses the house, my credit tanks too. She isn't able to refinance since the housing market took a dump and we lost all our equity.

[EJohn]

I tend to go back and forth myself. I'll think, I've moved on, there's no way I'm taking her back, why would I want someone who's been so hurtful to me. (usually when I catch her in a lie)

But then I start thinking about how many people are capable of getting thru this and having a stronger relationship, and I don't know if divorce is right. That's what's causing me the most anxiety.