Considering things have shifted in my sitch, I felt that it was appropriate to bring things into a new topic. I haven't been posting as much, but I have been reading and I must say that I am glad to see so many situations turned around, even from the brink. I know how badly I wanted it... but sometimes things aren't meant to work out that way - but I don't consider it any less of a victory from the purposes and principles of DBing.
I first arrived here in February, desperate for a chance to save my M. Like many here when confronted with the truth of infidelity, I was torn up inside, racked with pain, and even guilt.
I had a family... a wife, three children, and was working hard toward building a future for all of us. I made my share of mistakes, as I stepped outside of my M in April of last year. I confessed, apologized, and worked toward redemption. But things never were quite the same after that. Her father was diagnosed with terminal cancer not long after this. We had a child, a daughter, in May. Her father died in September. She began her A in October, though whether it was more EA than PA is something I'm not certain of.
I first confronted her in December, without evidence. Naturally she denied everything, turned it around on me, and accused me of cheating on her. She flipped out in January, started making wild accusations, and I threw her out on January 6. We met not long after for counseling, but she went in stating that she was done and wanted out. I told her that was fine, and offered to split everything 50/50.
That wasn't good enough, she hired a lawyer, threatened me, and began withholding my daughter from me while threatening that I'd never see her unless I agreed to the terms she wanted.
I confirmed her A via private investigator, although she lied and denied up until June when placed under oath in a deposition. I had uncovered her past history of mental and emotional instability, and that became a part of the D as well.
All the while I was being accused of being the unreasonable person. I was threatened and the accusations went from "I feel like he is going to hit me" to "He raped me" and "He beat me daily" and all sorts of other falsehoods.
Nevertheless I came here daily, torn between my feelings of love and desire for saving my marriage and feelings of self preservation.
Looking back I think I understand why some people said that divorce was probably preferable given the kind of person that W turned out to be.
I don't even check to see if she is going next door any longer. I don't really care if her A is ongoing - although I know it is. I don't really care about anything at this point besides my children.
I still see D1 daily. I still have a great time with her on Saturdays. I still make sure that I'm being the best father I can be.
Throughout this process, moving on and GAL has been instrumental in helping me rise out of despair. Focusing on the future, and recognizing that I can live without W, and even beginning dating again, it all helps me to realize that things don't have to end with divorce.
But I haven't conquered all my demons yet. I have an intense amount of anger directed towards W. I have all sorts of nasty things I want to say to her... but they would be counterproductive both legally and as parents. Things like "I believe all things happen for a reason, and your father probably died so he wouldn't be forced to see what a piece of trash you've become."
I hate myself for thinking things like that... I loved my FIL. I loved W. I just find myself getting extremely angry toward her lately. Which is probably understandable... I just don't want to fall to the same level she did.
I will play my cards right legally. But otherwise I'm concerned that I haven't quite dealt with things all the way. It is hard to act contrary to human nature and still feel good about it. I've continued in IC, and consider myself in the best position I'll ever be in legally.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
One way to get your anger out in a constructive way is to write her a letter. Write down all of the anger and the hurt. You may hold on to it a couple of days but I wouldn't say much more and then burn it. Let the anger go away with the flames.
I know it sounds simple but I really think it will help. Wjhat do you have to loose except some of your anger?
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
One way to get your anger out in a constructive way is to write her a letter. Write down all of the anger and the hurt. You may hold on to it a couple of days but I wouldn't say much more and then burn it. Let the anger go away with the flames.
I know it sounds simple but I really think it will help. Wjhat do you have to loose except some of your anger?
kat
I suppose it is worth a shot. I'd rather not feel anything toward her.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Her attorney withdrew the motion. I think she figured out that she was only giving me an opening to attack her client and that it wouldn't be granted anyway.
Too bad... I was looking forward to seeing her lawyer in action again.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
You sound different, DCBHM. I can't put my finger on it.....
Be careful with that anger. It leads to things that are not admirable. You seek good council in the matters of your possessions/custody/divorce, make sure you seek good council in the matters of your heart/life/spiritual being. We all tend to forget how important that is.
You sound different, DCBHM. I can't put my finger on it.....
Be careful with that anger. It leads to things that are not admirable. You seek good council in the matters of your possessions/custody/divorce, make sure you seek good council in the matters of your heart/life/spiritual being. We all tend to forget how important that is.
I think part of it is that I'm completely detached. I really don't feel anything when I'm around W at this point.
I'm angry toward her, but I'm not making any decisions out of anger and am checking myself and my motives. I'm enjoying time I spend with the kids, and focusing on moving on.
I think the difference in me can be attributed to the fact that I've seen what W is capable of doing, and A-speak or not, I have no desire to be in a relationship with someone capable of what she has done to my children.
I'd rather be alone.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Venom. Pure vitriol is what comes out of W's mouth these days. Even still.
While I've grown indifferent toward W, I happened to see a conversation between her and a mutual friend. She told said friend that she was "scared" that I was talking bad about her and immediately followed this up by talking trash about me to said friend.
Some of the things she said were outright idiotic, psychotic, and devoid of reality. She claimed to love my sons so much she wished she could take them away from me - meanwhile she hasn't bothered to call and check on them more than a handful of times this year. Meanwhile I check on D1 daily.
So... I'm not sure what to think. I know the opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference. So I'm guessing that W is still attempting to justify her A. I haven't said anything to her - it is her own justifications that are coming up. I haven't discussed the A with her, or anything outside of D1 since June/July maybe. Yet she still seems dead set on justifying it.
The aftereffect of exposure? I dunno. I do know that I''m starting to meet new people, and I don't want anything to do with W at this point. The biggest issue for me is the fact that it is taking so long for the M to end now...
What irony...
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I do know that I''m starting to meet new people, and I don't want anything to do with W at this point. The biggest issue for me is the fact that it is taking so long for the M to end now...
What irony...
I think we're in close to a same spot right now. I honestly never thought I'd be wishing for the D to end sooner, but there I am...I'm noticing men now, like embarrassingly so!!! I just don't feel married anymore...but I guess that happens...
