Hello, My ExH and I have been getting along well, we were and still are friends. I thought we respected each other and we have a son together. He recently talked about the sadness he feels towards me (I ended up leaving, thinking being with someone else would be better than all the heartache we had been through). I found out the fairy tale does not exsist and that he was the fairy tale. He was a really good guy and for some reason the way we communicated played into my insecurities. I realize so much now, with the help of my counselor and the horrible, horrible relationship I was just in for the past 1 1/2 yrs.
A few days ago he talked of possible reconciliation, but not when. So we went to a few events with our son together and almost acted like the old days when we were married. But tonight, I broached the R topic and he just said, he feels too much sadness towards me and cries when he talks about those feelings. He said he didn't see a future with me, but never say never. Don't wait for him, just do my own thing. I was crushed.
I told him how I realized a lot of things I did and with the help of counseling, we could have got through some of the communication conflicts we had. I'm filled with sadness and pain. I want to correct the situation and want nothing more than my family to be back together again...advice?
It really is a sad situation. I am sorry that you put yourself there. Try to continue with the family activities as much as possible. Do not pursue the R talks though. If he wants to bring it up, then let him then. There are a lot of open wounds on both of your parts, allow his to heal. Maybe, if you can continue the family activities with him and it is feeling good, then maybe he will soon be able to start dating you again. However, if you push it with R talk, you may just push him away if he can't heal.
I am no expert by any means, so hopefully others will chime in here to help too.
Agreed, keep doing what works with the activities and all and let him build his securities back up. Contrary to popular beleif, most men are very frail when it comes to their spouse leaving them for someone else.
You have been friends the whole time along and that is very good.
Heck, even after all the vile things I've been subjected to at the hands of my XW (and certanly have not been the best of friends either), I would certainly concider giving her another chance once my insecurities were relieved.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I would suggest you are getting good advice here. I am in the same camp as dday. My MLC-exW lives with one of the guys she cheated on me with. We do not keep in touch (she recently de-friended me on Facebook after she was the one who invited me to be her friend - gotta laugh), but I would consider it if she would approach me with the option of counseling.
I would also agree that 'frail' might describe my emotional state.
It seems to me though that most women who walk away do not come back. That could be just my interpretation, but it seems to me that the majority (significant majority) of success stories here and on other sites involve the straying husband returning home.
Me: 48 Ex-W: 45 M: Nov '96, together since Oct 93 Bomb: on 10-yr anni - Nov '06 OM Separated: mid-Feb '07 Divorced mid-July '08 One daughter - 28 XW living w/OM
Thank you soooo much! Gives me some hope. I ended up telling him I wouldn't linger anymore when I pick up our son, that maybe we should just pick up and drop off, don't ask me to come in a have a drink with him, ect... We had also planned to take our son to Disney in Feb (his idea), I almost called it off, but then told him our son was really looking forward to both of us going, so I didn't want to disappoint him and I would go. I think I almost killed any chances but I think I managed to salvage the trip at least. I can't help but think that is a good sign?
I just get so confused when it feels like he's hanging out with me because he's thinking about possibly working things out, and then he verbally tells me that's not probable, but maybe in a couple years... or the "never say never".
As far as his uncertanty goes.... All I can say is cause and effect. Not to point any blame, but did you not go through the same confusion yourself when you opted to walk and even so afterward, especially when you were with someone else? Again, I can not stress how much it undermines ones confidence, selfworth and acceptance to be left for someone else.
Thus, if the answer to my questions above are his ideas and actions, then I'd say he is trying to overcome these problems, but I would certainly say it's going to take some time, and much like DBing, one wrong move could set you 3 steps back for every 1 step forward. I know if I were in his situation, I would be very skeptical and my securities on high alert for some time.
That said and answer your final question: Yes, I would. I let my XW know many of times in the past that it wasnt' too late, we'd need couseling and would have a long road ahead. The last time we discussed anything was what 10 months ago, and XW said she wanted to come back, but wasn't sure how, we ended so quickly, she went to him, then "jump back together" was her view of it and she wasn't sure she could do it. (whether that discussion was b/s or not, is still undetermined [example of the insecurities XW bestowed in me])
Well, I stressed to her, there would be no "jumping back" together. It would take months and months if not longer to repair the mistrust damages. I am finally bowing down and seeing a counselor of my own for the first time ever. I still kept a ear on that preverbial door even after almost a month that the D went through, hoping to hear a scared tap on it, as I know she wouldn't have the brass to knock. But, it never happened, life goes on. Funny, now that I've moved on and started to prepare myself for getting 'back out there', XW is ballistic, but seems to be par for the course.
If she came to me today and said she wants to come back, my reply would have to be, there's good news and there's bad news.....
The bad news, there's nothing left to come back to.
The good news, there's nothing left to come back to.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
To answer your question, yes I would be willing to go to counseling if she were to present the idea. Like dday said, I would imagine it would take a long time to regain trust. I have never really been the jealous type, but essentially became a CIA spy after my ex informed me she wanted a divorce. This included setting up spyware on our computer, looking through her files, cell phone records, and even her work email. I still cannot believe all that I found, and I would guess it would take some time to once again not have the urge to look through her personal things. When taking that into consideration, I sometimes think 'why bother', but at the end of the day I always think the positives outweighed the negatives.
I too often think she will want reconciliation, but realize I need to continue to GAL and have a PMA. The tears flow less frequently, but still appear from time to time out of nowhere.
I agree with dday in that being left for someone else is somewhat demoralizing, but I try to look at it as her problem and not mine.
Me: 48 Ex-W: 45 M: Nov '96, together since Oct 93 Bomb: on 10-yr anni - Nov '06 OM Separated: mid-Feb '07 Divorced mid-July '08 One daughter - 28 XW living w/OM
I forgot to address this part of your question. I mentioned it several times. We actually did attend a Retrouvaille weekend together, but unfortunately she was too far gone in MLC land by that time. After that weekend she told me that communication was not our problem, and she proceeded to give me the ILYBNILWY speech and moved out the next weekend.
Even after she moved out, we still would get together and act as if we were a happily married couple. I avoided R talks for the most part, but we did meet for dinner one night after a mutual friend informed her that I was viewing her emails. I came clean and told her all I knew. She was embarrassed. I asked if she would consider counseling, but she was not receptive.
Two months after that we met to get my cell phone in my own name and I proposed that option once again, but was met with the same result. At that time she mentioned that we needed to get the paper work started. I remember looking her in the eye as we were sitting in my car and telling her that she would regret this someday. She answered that she did not know how she would feel five years down the road. We then had our last kiss and she got out of my car for the last time. All of this was/is quite unnecessary in my opinion.
Me: 48 Ex-W: 45 M: Nov '96, together since Oct 93 Bomb: on 10-yr anni - Nov '06 OM Separated: mid-Feb '07 Divorced mid-July '08 One daughter - 28 XW living w/OM
Thank you so much! It's actually great that I'm getting men's point of view here! I think it's so wonderful that you two would be, or at least would have been willing to give your exW a chance with counseling. Mine isn't receptive to that yet. He told me that he feels that he asked me to choose him or the other M, and I chose the other. That is just the way he remembers it, and I have to deal with the feelings the way he remembers them. (What he said, as I remember it, was stop seeing the other M and I told him that even if I did, the emotional stuff would still be there and I didn't know if I could do that at that point, because the emotional stuff would interfere, and that's what he called choosing and it's when he moved out, all in one day).
In seeing my present counselor, I have got to the bottom of my issue, a huge issue for me, and that is "the fairy tale doesn't exist (Psych stuff) and what I realized was it my ExH that was the fairy tale, when I remember all the things he has done for me and I thought he did those things because he had to, not because love had anything to do with it. (we had a lot of outside pressures against us) I can clearly see why he feels slapped! I just don't know when we will get to that point when I can really tell him how I feel and that he will believe me. He did say he wants to see me on my own for a while. Another question is if he doesn't want me back, why is he so sad? Wouldn't working it out make his sadness go away, if indeed he's sad because we're no longer together?
BTW, Disney World was his idea, and having a beer at his house was also his idea. He knows what time I pick up our son, and he wasn't done giving him dinner, so that's why I stayed a while.
After we talked the last time and he told me not to wait for him, I told him that maybe we shouldn't visit like we have been because I still love him and if that's how he felt, I needed to protect myself and not let myself get those mixed messages. Not sure if that was the right thing to do? However, I did change my mind about Disney World, our son would like both of us to take him and why rob him of that..
