I posted this in the divorce section, but I see there is more traffic here.
My wife and I had a tough marriage for 11 years. During this time, I did treat her poorly. Said hurtful things, withdrew emotionally. Over the past year (12 total), I transformed my life, focus, and behavior. Over the year, She has said we would stay together twice, separate once, and divorce twice. Two weeks ago, she told me we would stay together. Last week, she asked for a divorce and will file immediately. She says her life is more miserable each day and the fact that she is married is the cause. Not me, necessarily, but the marriage and what I remind her of.
Her behavior has changed dramatically over this time. She is no longer kind, lashes out at the kids, spends all day texting/talking/hanging out with her new best friend (a divorcee who my wife calls her family), goes to bars and clubs constantly, stopped taking her depression medication, and consistently breaks promises. She acknowledges that I am the type of man she wanted, but cannot get over the hurt of the past. I have reacted well to the news. Against my better judgement, I am trying to make life easy for her. I care deeply about her future success and happiness. The problem is, I don't think she will be happy. She can't afford to live on her own (the way she is looking to do it). She is obviously driven by internal issues. I am no longer a problem. She is emotionally immature and naive about the world.
I want to offer her what she wants, divorce, to see if it will help her-but I don't think a negative action will lead to positive results. I believe in marriage. I believe we can make it. I can't make her want it. She has a negative view, which I can't change. She won't seek counciling.
What should I do? Should I just go and hope she is okay? Should I make it as hard as possible for her (lawyers, etc) and risk further resentment? Should I just forget the whole thing? I am having difficulty focusing on my needs and ignoring hers. I may just need to sever the emotional ties. I did that for too long and it got me here. She is ready to throw it all away without concern for me and the kids, maybe I should stop caring what she thinks and what is best for her. I can't do it because I found love, true love. It won't go away because of what she is doing. Seems pretty hopeless right now. I am not destroyed, or crushed (maybe because we have been going through it so long). I am doing well. Planning my move to single life. She isn't. I am so worried for her.
She is a grown woman, isn't she? The divorce is her idea isn't it? It's kind of you to worry about her future, but it's a future she desires. She's off the deep end at the moment and unless you want to follow her off the deep end, you have to just allow yourself to prepare for your own single life and let her prepare (if she's going to) for her new life.
If you are asking, "should I help further the divorce process?", I don't have a problem with that. You can still do a 180 in how you treat her while still helping her divorce you. It's what she wants...you are just aiding the process, or at the very least not impeding it. Because you love her you choose to let her go, not because you don't. If that's what makes her happy, then you support it, even if you personally wouldn't choose divorce.
None of this legal stuff happens that fast, especially if you have kids, so there is always time for her to change her mind. You work on yourself and showing your changes while respecting her wishes.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
What kind of 180 would you suggest? I have already said (and somewhat believe) that a divorce may be best for us - especially since she is unwilling to work on it. I don't think divorce is the best option. All I have really done is said I love her no matter what (even now), explosed flaws in her financial plans (or lack of), and presented her with various options and forced her to make decisions. I have stopped saying "I love you" and commenting on her behavior. Maybe I should go out and "party?" I've become a family man after my transformation. I hate to miss an evening with the kids. I will take them to do fun things without inviting her. Thanks for your input
