Wife filing for divorce this week

[jeffde23]

My wife and I had a tough marriage for 11 years. During this time, I did treat her poorly. Said hurtful things, withdrew emotionally. Over the past year (12 total), I transformed my life, focus, and behavior. Over the year, She has said we would stay together twice, separate once, and divorce twice. Two weeks ago, she told me we would stay together. Last week, she asked for a divorce and will file immediately. She says her life is more miserable each day and the fact that she is married is the cause. Not me, necessarily, but the marriage and what I remind her of.


Her behavior has changed dramatically over this time. She is no longer kind, lashes out at the kids, spends all day texting/talking/hanging out with her new best friend (a divorcee who my wife calls her family), goes to bars and clubs constantly, stopped taking her depression medication, and consistently breaks promises. She acknowledges that I am the type of man she wanted, but cannot get over the hurt of the past. I have reacted well to the news. Against my better judgement, I am trying to make life easy for her. I care deeply about her future success and happiness. The problem is, I don't think she will be happy. She can't afford to live on her own (the way she is looking to do it). She is obviously driven by internal issues. I am no longer a problem. She is emotionally immature and naive about the world.


I want to offer her what she wants, divorce, to see if it will help her-but I don't think a negative action will lead to positive results. I believe in marriage. I believe we can make it. I can't make her want it. She has a negative view, which I can't change. She won't seek counciling.


What should I do? Should I just go and hope she is okay? Should I make it as hard as possible for her (lawyers, etc) and risk further resentment? Should I just forget the whole thing? I am having difficulty focusing on my needs and ignoring hers. I may just need to sever the emotional ties. I did that for too long and it got me here. She is ready to throw it all away without concern for me and the kids, maybe I should stop caring what she thinks and what is best for her. I can't do it because I found love, true love. It won't go away because of what she is doing. Seems pretty hopeless right now. I am not destroyed, or crushed (maybe because we have been going through it so long). I am doing well. Planning my move to single life. She isn't. I am so worried for her.

[ClingingToHope]

We have lots in common. I've been married 13 years. We have two wonderful daughters. I did some very thoughtless things and then did a lot of thoughtful things that I didn't realize were actually the wrong things to do until I started going to a marriage rebuilders class after we separated.

My W has been going out with her divorced, single friends from work. She's been spotted at least once with an OM at the county fair. She says that person was just a friend and nothing to worry about.

I too keep trying to make things easy for her. Just tonight she called and said she'd be late getting home, could I go to the house and relieve the after school sitter. I was covering for a friend at work -- and said yes anyway.

I get to see my kids every day because I have a flexible job. Yesterday I was over at the house -- which is still half mine -- after school waiting for the sitter when I noticed the sink was piled high with dishes. So I loaded the dishwasher.

A big difference in my case is that she hasn't wavered since saying in February she wants a divorce. But in the past four weeks, there's been no mention of moving anything forward. She isn't talking about closing joint accounts, she hasn't moved forward on hiring a Realtor, there's been no talk of getting anything in writing.

So I'm in limbo for now.

I've been on the site for a few weeks and have read the success stories. The big themes are improve yourself, detach from the situation and have patience.

Figure out the things that contributed to your situation and change them. Find friends to help you through the loneliness, which can be unbearable. Don't contact her unless it's necessary. Don't help unless she requests it AND it doesn't detract from your situation. And then wait, wait, wait.

It's easier said than done. I had an awful weekend this past one. I keep wondering what she's doing when I have my girls.

[kb1234]

As to your question about lawyers, I would suggest getting one if she has one.
Divorce law can be tricky, and with children involved you want to make sure that you get as much custody time as possible.

Getting a lawyer does not mean you will make it more difficult, it just makes sure your interests are protected.

I hope it works out for you, but it sounds as though you are preparing for the next phase of your life.