First...the divorce is final. I got the piece of paper in the mail on Saturday. It hit our local papers yesterday. I didn't even put my marriage announcement in the paper.
Today I got an email from H asking about D15 and her grades. It was a fairly long email basically saying that he didn't know what to do to help her. All last year I received similar emails from him and, quite frankly, it has been exhausting dealing with D15 and then dealing with H. But I have responded to each one patiently. Today I responded as I have in the past. The bottom line is that he is looking for a quick fix and there is none.
He responded with a derogatory term aimed at me. The email was obviously sent to me in error. He even tried to recall the email, but I got the notice that he was trying to recall it. I resisted the urge to respond in kind, but I was angry and hurt.
Thirty minutes later he sent an email saying that he owed me a huge apology. He said he was discussing D15's problems with his sister and his efforts to address them with me. He was not happy with my response and was frustrated and wanted to forward it to his sister, but accidently sent it to me. He said that I would have every right to be angry and that bad feelings have been building for a long time. He meant the comment as a flippant, harmless comment but realizes that it isn't.
He went on to say that he needed to get past these feelings to do a better job of parenting and he realizes that this has been difficult for me and he often loses sight of this.
He said that he doesn't expect that I will accept his apology and he hoped that he reached a point where he can mark a ppoint where he can try and put things behind him.
He then said he was apologizing for so much more than this email. He feels his anger toward me is a result of the guilt he feels. He said he knows that he hurt me and the girls and that his apologies are from the heart. He said that he has wanted to send this for so long but thought that it would be construed as trying to get something in the divorce settlement. He said he wanted to stop projecting anger at himself onto me. He said he had this war with me playing in his mind and he wants it to stop. He said that I can still be angry at him for everything, but he just wants me to know that he recognizes the mistakes that he has made and that he is sorry. He said he feels bad about sending the email but worse for how he has treated me and that I got so much less than I deserved. He ended the email by saying that it is easier to be angry at someone other than yourself.
I know that this is a rollercoaster ride and there are highs and lows, but in no way did I expect this.
I really need help guys! How do I respond? I feel the need to acknowledge the email, but really don't want to go into any of this. I have been walking on eggshells for over two years and feel the need to continue this path. I don't believe he is anywhere near the end of the tunnel and honestly believe this is just guilt at getting caught in sending the bad email. And finally, I really don't want to go into the hurt he has caused. What good would it do? But how do I respond?!?!?!
Being honest and true to yourself first, is the best way of answering his email.
Secondly, I feel he has made a good deal of progress with saying he understands he is angry with himself, and not you, with also seeing his anger is really guilt. I think being positive about his statement, AND kind allowing him to get the idea he is working in the right direction... how you do this without sounding like a "parent" is going to be rough.
Let him know you appreciate him being so candid, and his heartfelt appology is accepted in hopes that one day it will lead to more positive co-parenting, as the lines of communication can be opened/widen with acknowledging our own issues and putting them aside, for the best interest of D.
I would try to keep things as uplifting as possible with the understanding things can go south in the next email... or possibly get even better.... it's a crap shoot on the rollercoaster, as you all ready know.
Good Luck W8ting.... blessings
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
Do you really need to go into all your hurt feelings? Have you been over some of that ground before? Could you acknowledge and appreciate his apology without going into to much detail? You can reflect back what he's said and let him know how difficult this must be for him and show him some compassion. That's what he's trying to do for you.
That doesn't mean you sweep all your hurt under the table, but is it really going to help to go into all of it now? If you are really angry still, you could write a response and sit on it for awhile before you send it.
Minimally I would acknowledge that you appreciate his apology and that you can see it's hearfelt.
That he wants to be a better parent and co-parent more effectively is HUGE. So is the fact that he sent this at all.
Your call. I'm sure you'll get some good responses here.
w8ing I like what the others have posted thanking your X seems ok to do acknoledging his pain as well and getting any extra co-parenting support would definitely be a blessing and if you need time to work out your feelings that is fine, just keep it seperate b/c telling xh what you really feel will not help the R or the co-parenting issues find others to share with and I agree with BT , keep it light and uplifted this could be a turning point remember--many of us will Never get anything remotely close to an apology peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thank you all! I am responding to H with the basic "appreciate your email, accept the apology, let's focus on the girls" scenario.
Peace - you are right - I never thought ex-H would ever say anything like this. I always felt that he would eventually recognize what he had done, but I never thought that he would own up to it. I was surprised at my reaction when reading it. See the words that he felt bad for the way he treated me and he has realized the hurt he has caused brought me to tears. It doesn't mean that I think things will change or anything along those lines - but you wonder for years - what did I do to deserve this. It is just a little moment of redemption.
BT and Grace - thanks for the advice - I pretty much followed what you suggested.
Sleeper - what I really wanted to respond with was "what email?"
Forward - all of this happened this morning - I have been sitting on this all day letting go of my initial emotions so I could write the reply I really wanted to write.
Forward - I have to admit that part of what made me cry was that you wonder for so long what did I do, what could I have done differently, am I the one who is crazy, etc. To have him say what he said....I still can't believe it.
I did get an email from him today responding to mine. He said he didn't expect an acceptance of his apology but was grateful for it and meant what he said in the earlier email and hoped that I understood that it came from the heart. This a full 24 hours after the initial email.
Maybe we have turned the corner. We can never go back to what we had, but maybe this war that he has had in his head can stop and the hatred can start to disappear. I don't ever envision being close to him again in any type of manner, but more civility would be good, especially for the girls. It is too hard and exhausting to have to co-parent with someone who is suspicious of everything you do, and hates the very sight of you.
