Bewildered

[KiwiMan]

Thanks guys for the comments. It is really great to have support here.

The weekend was great. I had a really good time for myself. She had the kids weekend. And I was being strong all the way through the weekend untill last night.

I checked her emails at home and there was a friend request on Facebook from the same guy she had stayed up till just 6:30am "Talking" the other week, the message said "Hey Beautiful". I rang her last night to say goodnight to the kids, and when speaking with my daughter she mentioned that there werent any other kids there and she was playing with this same guy that invited her friend on Facebook(They were around at a friends having drinks. Aswell as this, I had arranged to have the kids back last night at 5pm... She rang me and asked if I could go and pick them up from the friends house. I said no, as I had had a few drinks also. My wife then decided that she would stay at this friends place with the kids.

Anyway, when I spoke to her last night.. I kind of lost it a bit and starting talking to her again about what was going on.. big mistake I know.

This morning I have been talking to a lawyer and he has asked that we both visit him so we understand what all the steps involved with seperation are.

I have asked my wife to meet me at home this afternoon to discuss that and make an appointment with the lawyer.

Because I was short with her on the phone, and when I text messaged her this morning,I sent her a message asking what time she would be home so we could talk. She replied to my SMS message saying "Only got work for 4 hours so should be home about 2pm, Why are you sounding so stressed?"

Has she got no idea... What sort of question is that... we are in marriage crisis and she asks me why I sound stressed! gah!.

I guess I am starting to feel like the saying. If you keep beating the dog, he eventually won't feel it... I think I am starting to resent my wife and am starting to become numb and drained with all of this emotional stuff.

[GH31]

KiwiMan,

My heart goes out to you mate, I have been through a similar hell and know exactly what you're going through.

About the affair.

While the percentage of those here dealing with A's is very high, not every sitch has one.

I would say the percentage of attendant infidelity to people's situations here is about 99%. Those who say there isn't infidelity haven't looked hard enough.

Remember Rule #1 - ALL CHEATERS LIE. It comes as natural and as effortlessly to them as breathing and going to the toilet.

Rule #2 - Remember Rule #1.

I would be amazed if your wife is not having an affair and believe me, if you're interested in saving your marriage, you will need to know.

Referring to Rule #1, that all cheaters lie, the very last thing you can trust to determine whether an affair is in progress is the suspected adulterer's word.

For your own sanity, get the facts. Then once you have them, refer to Puppy's routine for breaking up the affair.

[KiwiMan]

Thanks for that GH31 -

My daughter came to me last night and said that the man i have mentioned before kissed mum.

I rang my wife and just asked her to be honest with me. My daugther did say that Mum didn't kiss this guy and that the guy had tried to kiss mum. They were all drunk and they weren't the only 2 there. Another girl was involved and apparently they were all drunk and just mucking around... The girl was trying to kiss my wife too.

Yes, its hard to beleive, but I then spent about half an hour on the phone to my wife. She was saying that she knows that the guy likes her, but she doesn't feel the same about him. Hes just good to talk to. Sounds like more of an emotional affair.

She said she doesn't know whats going on in her brain at the moment and that she wants to stop drinking and smoking.

I think the fact that she got caught being stupid and our daughter knows... it appears to have been a wake up call.

We even talked about the possibilty of her moving back and sleeping in seperate rooms to give things a try. But I have left her to think about that.

I explained there can only be positives if we give it another try and that it would also help me out by knowing that we had both given it a shot. I also said that if we agreed to something like that... we would both have to be faithful during that time. And that its not just for me, but for the kids, herself and me.

Only time will tell.

The interesting thing is that when we were talking last night its one of the first times over the last 10 years she has actually talked to me about her feelings and I told her that and said that I am here to talk.

At the end of the phonecall she said "Thanks so much for talking to me" I also think that she was surprised that even after what I just found out about the kiss etc etc I was still quite calm and collected and in control.

I feel better today knowing that I am dealing with everything really well. Obviously I have my moments. But I guess the general theme on here is the PATIENCE.

[pearlharbr]

I rang my wife and just asked her to be honest with me.

Did you miss the part where people have told you all cheaters lie?

Sounds like you are pursuing her and pressuring her to fix things now. Just my two cents.

[KiwiMan]

Hi Pearl,

I called her mainly to let her know what our daugther had seen. Then the rest of the conversation was also her telling me what had happened. My daughter actually told me what happened and who was there and where they all slept. It sounded like my wife was telling the truth, as it matched exactly what my daughter told me. And I am sure she is not manipulating my daughter as otherwise she would not have approached me with what happened to Mum last night.

But yes, I have been pursuing a bit... but she also see's me as strong and not acting like I have before. In all honesty I feel in control of myself for the first time in a while. And normally If i had heard something like that had happened. I would have gone berserk. But I didn't.... and I guess that is part of the detachment process.

She told me last night she doesn't have many people she can talk to about her feelings. And I was almost counseling her over the phone. (Maybe I should have just told her what our D had said and then said goodbye and left her to deal with it.)

[pearlharbr]

I called her mainly to let her know what our daugther had seen

So what was the other reason?

I explained there can only be positives if we give it another try

Reasoning doesn't work.

and that it would also help me out by knowing that we had both given it a shot.

Pressure. Fix things now.

I also said that if we agreed to something like that... we would both have to be faithful during that time.

More pressure. Trying to control her actions. Asking for a commitment.

I'm glad you feel in control of yourself. I'm glad that handling the convo in a calm manner is a good 180 for you. But don't start congratulating yourself on more of the same behavior (initiating R talk again, questioning her fidelity again, trying to convince her to come back again). It sounds like you're trying to fix her and that simply won't do you any good.

[KiwiMan]

Hi Pearlharbr,

I know... going back to the wrong way to deal with things.

My fear is that today we are going to see a lawyer who is "Pro-Marriage" and their philosophy is reconcilliation.

The reason we are both going together is that he is going to explain what the road ahead looks like and what needs to happen for the seperation to happen.

I guess I feel like I am running out of time and that once we see him... all of the things such as the house we own etc etc is going to start to fall apart. Thats where I think the pursuing comes in on my part.

I am just afraid that once she knows the way ahead, its going to speed up the process of going seperate ways.

Today is a big day... and I am quite worried.

Thanks

[pearlharbr]

Take a deep breath. It's not going to happen overnight. The goal is to get past the fear, don't let it control you.

Seeing the L may spur her on to action or it may be a huge eye opener for her. You don't know what the outcome will be so no use worrying about it now.

Remember, you can only control your own actions.

Pursuing hasn't worked so try something else.

[KiwiMan]

Thank you so much Pearlhrbr. It means a great deal the feedback I get on here. I will let you know what happens after the lawyer visit today.

[KiwiMan]

Well..... no good news as usual.

Went to the lawyers, and not much was said that we both didn't already know.

I ended up talking to her in the car on the way home... and she said that her head is still messed up, but that she is sure she has made the right decision as far as our relationship goes.

I lost my temper and called her "heartless" and said "Well, you true colors are showing now".

I know I shouldn't have said anything about the R, but my self control is quite bad at the moment.

What caused the friction is that I asked why she wasn't willing to try something for my sake... as she had not had any help making the decision and said she had been trying the last year to feel the love me me.

Anyways.. back to no contact with her. All of this weekend and next week our kids are going to my parents house... so both of us will be without kids.

This will be my first chance to go for a week without contacting her. I guess its the first real opportunity to ignore her.

I know that its only been 3 weeks... and thats probably why she is still closed to any type of R talk.

God... I thought I was detached a bit more last night after I called her those names... but today I still feel like I want her back... whats wrong with me!

Oh well..