My husband dropped the bomb (I don't love you like I should; I married the wrong woman; I'm attracted to you and you're my best friend but it's not enough; I won't do counselling because it will give you false hope) on Aug 30. He went to stay with his parents that day. He swears there is no OW. On Sept 18, he filed divorce papers. Now he is on my case to sign a divorce settlement agreement and/or to decide what we're doing with the house so that he can get into a 12-month apartment lease. In my state, a divorce can be final in only 60 days, so he is convinced we should be divorced by Nov. 18.
I am trying to implement DB, but I feel like there's not enough time. I can try to stall on decisions about the divorce, but that sends him into fits ("My worst nightmare is having this drag on. I can't eat, can't sleep, and need to move on with my life."). When asked about the rush, he says he can't take the uncertainty.
I don't know what to do. He texted me today wanting to know if I've made any decisions on the house (we last talked 5 days ago). I am trying to detach and give him his space, but he had been very controlling in our relationship and I don't want to keep giving him his way. However, I fear that stonewalling will push him away for good.
Any advice? Should I meet to discuss the house? Or let him twist for awhile? I should mention that I haven't been contacting him, but he texts every few days to see if I'm ok, which is confusing. I'm having a really hard time because all of this has happened so fast and would appreciate any wisdom.
Me-33; Him--32 Together since 5/2000 Married 12/29/2006 Bomb/"I don't love you like I should"/separation 8/30/2009 H filed for D 9/17/2009 D could potentially be final 11/18/2009
He may not technically have an OW yet but his actions show that he certainly has his eyes on someone else. Probably he wants to rush the D to be free and clear to date the person that he wants. Sorry but that's how I read it.
If it were me I would stall as much as possible
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
He may not technically have an OW yet but his actions show that he certainly has his eyes on someone else. Probably he wants to rush the D to be free and clear to date the person that he wants. Sorry but that's how I read it.
If it were me I would stall as much as possible
Ditto what June said. This is HIS desire, not yours, and while you shouldn't beg/plead/etc., there's nothing that says you have to help him along with it.
He is probably having an affair, and some combination of pressure from the OW and him feeling guilty has him in a big hurry.
I'm sorry, but this (stating desire for D) is NOT insurmountable, by any means.
Yeah, then add a little self pressure as in "I better do this now before I change my mind". Be assured he will have to deal with it personally sooner or later.
Agree with Puppy. Do not help him.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
wow...i know exactly what u are going thru. im in ur same position and i have no idea what to do. we want to stay away and try this DB but how can we try when we dont have the time or when they dont allow it. my heart is with you. all i can say to you is to leave you marriage in Gods hand, that is what im doing. i know its hard and you want to give up but dont. it has been two mths for me and did all the wrong moves i plead and beg and now im trying to stay away and he wants to start the divorce process too...
Thanks for the wisdom (as tough as it is to hear). I am so confused. He keeps swearing that there is no OW and that he doesn't have someone else picked out. He says he would tell me if there was because that would be easier than nebulous "I don't love you" stuff. I know that cheaters lie, but I can't understand why he wouldn't just tell me.
Unfortunately, ours is a no-fault state, which puts me in a bind. Right now, he says he'll give me everything in the divorce, but--if I don't go along and sign a settlement soon--the implication is that he will take that off the table. I make more money than him, so--if a judge decided (ours is an equity state)--I might come out less well than if I went along with him.
My problem is that I am still reeling from him even being gone, and I don't feel like I'm in a spot to be making good financial decisions. I keep telling him I just need some time, and he keeps upping the ante.
Do you think it would help clear the air or flush out the real issues if I suggested a separation where we could date other people?
Probably an OW. Why the rush then? I would check things out. If there is an OW and he’s cheating on you, things change quite a bit in the divorce proceedings if you claim marital misconduct. I think there is a misconception about a No Fault state and marital misconduct….basically in a No Fault state….you will get your divorce….that’s all it means. It doesn’t mean you can cheat on your spouse with no consequences. Something my H is learning right now, I’m sorry to say.
He keeps swearing that there is no OW and that he doesn't have someone else picked out. He says he would tell me if there was because that would be easier than nebulous "I don't love you" stuff. I know that cheaters lie, but I can't understand why he wouldn't just tell me.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that he keeps saying that, if we could just be divorced, then he really thinks we can "help each other through this"/"help each other get over this"/"figure out what happened so we won't have to go through it again." Again, this confuses me as it suggests that he wants to be my friend--as if that's going to happen.
Is there ANYONE out there who thinks there's not an OW? Or am I just terminally naive?
Me-33; Him--32 Together since 5/2000 Married 12/29/2006 Bomb/"I don't love you like I should"/separation 8/30/2009 H filed for D 9/17/2009 D could potentially be final 11/18/2009
