I want my family back!

[Calliope]

I’ve been reading on the boards for quite some time now, and realized that I really should get my story on here, and benefit from the great feedback and suggestions I could be receiving.

So here’s my story. H(33) and I(36) had been having problems for a couple of years. We were in an unhappy marriage, but neither of us did anything about it. Looking back, I believe I was in a depression for a couple of years. I also have major self confidence issues that affected my personality, our sex life, etc (fueled by his first affair 5 years ago that we never got over).

Finally in May he told me how unhappy he was. Said he didn’t love me anymore. He would not agree to counseling at all, said he was done trying (said he had been miserable for years). I was shocked, not because I didn’t already know how unhappy he was (I think I was in denial), but because he was ready to check out of the marriage so ‘quickly’. While my therapist tells me that he was ‘trying’ in his own way, I still cannot get over the fact that he never once told me he was unhappy. I asked him to try for a couple of months, he refused. I asked if there was someone else, he said no. However, from the day he told me how he felt, he started going out at night, and not returning till morning. I knew there was someone else. At that point, I started DBing, and had my first call with a coach.

I then found his secret cell phone, with lots of ‘I love you’ text messages. That day, I told him that it was unfair to me to be in this house with our kids, and be seeing someone else. I couldn’t function like that. He agreed, and moved out that day. He said that he wasn’t having an affair until after he told me how he felt, but that he had been talking to her for months. (So, if it wasn’t a PA at that point, it was definitely an EA) Ironically, that day was probably the best conversation we had had in years. We both finally communicated about all of the problems in our marriage. But, in his eyes, it was too late. He would say things like he’s a bad husband, would never be able to change; it could get better but what if it all happened again 5 years down the road. (Just like after his first affair). I tried to tell him that the problem with the first affair is that we just swept it under the rug, and that we never addressed the problems that let us there in the first place (no counseling at all), but he just couldn’t see that. And I tried my best not to pressure him.

Since then (June) we’ve had lots of ups and downs. He first told me that he’d take the separation slowly, but then filed for divorce a few weeks later (pressure from the OW I’m sure). Also told me that he would ‘cut off his right arm for me’ but then all of a sudden the OW came before me AND the kids. There was a stretch where I was sure it was a MLC, because he was so confused all the time, he would have really bad days where he would cry about leaving the kids. There was a stretch where he was missing out on time with the kids because he always had plans with the OW. But then he would snap out of it, and make new promises that the boys are his first priority, and “nobody is going to get in the way of that”

We started divorce mediation in July, and that was a disaster. He was so defensive and unreasonable, and we got nowhere. There were so many times that I would ask myself “who is this person??” And this OW, well I am not impressed with her at all from what I have learned so far (of course, who is ever impressed with the OW?) She is the absolute opposite of me in terms of personality. I’m sure that’s one thing that attracted my H to her in the first place. While I would get emotional and cry, she gets “mean” (in his words). She has been extremely jealous of his relationship with me, and they had many fights over it. (doesn’t want him at the house taking care of things for me, etc). Our (H and I) relationship has definitely struggled because of this. We both thought we could have a great relationship for the boys, but it was getting worse by the minute. I also obviously do not agree with her morals (going after a married man with kids), or with the fact that she is letting my H live with her and her two young daughters. I am aware of several arguments that they have had, he has packed up and moved out of her house a couple of times (he doesn’t tell me this) yet he still goes back. Her young girls have been witness to some of these fights, and are emotionally attached to him already.

H ditched mediation a couple of weeks ago, and retained a lawyer (all over silly non-issues really!) I should have been shocked that we were going to loose thousands of dollars just because he was being stubborn about minor issues, but not much had surprised me lately). We were also disagreeing a lot about the OW, and him bringing the boys around her. At one point he wanted to bring them on an overnight trip with her, I refused. He finally backed down. But he has taken them around her quite a bit now.

So, I had been DBing as much as possible; taking care of myself. I’ve lost 25 pounds, go out with my friends much more than before. Focusing on my boys and being the best mom that I can be. I have to say though, that recently, my focus has shifted a bit. In the beginning I was focused on saving the marriage. While I learned about the problems between H and OW, and the struggles he was having with leaving the boys, I would get glimmers of hope, but they quickly faded as it was clear he was moving on with her. (they started looking at houses together, took her out of state to meet his family, etc. Lately my focus has shifted towards taking care of me and the boys, and securing our future. (A future that more and more seems like it will be without him)

So, that brings me to last week. He hired a lawyer that I heard was very mean. I don’t think he picked him because of that, but because other friends had recommended him. Well I wasn’t too worried, because I am not asking for anything out of the ordinary from him, and after seeing him with the mediator(s) that we’ve had, I was sure any judge would see right through him anyway. Well, last week, he called me in tears. He had left his atty’s office, and said “I don’t want to do this to you. Can I come over and talk?” (This is the first time in months that we have had a plan to talk. Many times he’d try to talk about things in front of the boys, but I always refused. I made a few offers during those times to meet up for coffee to discuss divorce things, but he never made time for that, I was sure it was because the OW wouldn’t let him)

So he came to the house, he said that the lawyer was bringing up all crazy ways to hurt me, and he realized that he had hurt me enough. He is sick and tired of listening to outside advice (OW and his friends) and that he wants to get through this with me, just us. He wants to be great friends, wants to fire his lawyer, and try to come up with the settlement stuff on our own (understanding that I am keeping my lawyer). We talked for about an hour. He wanted to make sure I didn’t think he was coming to ask me to take him back, (I didn’t think that) he still doesn’t want to be with me, but “who knows, maybe we could fall in love again in 10 years”. I was very emotional. Mostly because it was easier to hate him when he was being such a jerk, and now he was (almost) back to the H that I fell in love with. He felt bad about that, kept asking if I was ok; tried to re-assure me that things were getting better. He hugged me before he left (first in a while). He gave me a wink and said “I like you, ok?” (I wanted to puke, felt like I was getting the 7th grade ‘let’s be friends’ speech)

Since then, I have been waiting for the other personality to come back, but he hasn’t. He is still acting like the kind, caring person that I remember; the one that I know still has feelings for me. However, he is still with OW. That part hasn’t changed, but he said that he wants to be my friend, wants to help out around here more, wants to do things like go to soccer practice when I’m there, etc., and doesn’t care if she doesn’t like it. If it breaks them up, so be it.

While this is great for the kids, and I am happy to see him ‘back’ it has really hurt my recovery! I had been blaming all of his actions on him losing his mind (or what I thought could be a MLC) and now, he seems so much better, but still has no desire to come back. He’s still pushing this divorce through as quickly as possible.

So, I’m not sure what I should be doing at this point. The divorce is coming quickly. Our house is being listed any day now. I struggle with the going dark thing, because I feel like that’s what got us to this point in our marriage in the first place. We didn’t communicate; I was no fun to be around. (He uses the word fun when he talks about OW all the time). I was too passive, she’s much more aggressive. What should I do???

Would love some advice!!

Calliope

[texasbobby]

it sounds like ur situation might turn around for the better. it sounds like he is begining to see reality. my best friends here in texas were separted for six months and the divorce hearing is what made it real to both of them. they get along better than ever now.

ive seen this happen a few other times with some of my aunts and uncles. i would keep ur lawyer and keep up the fight for ur marriage.

im hoping that divorce process will make this real to my wife as well.

good luck and please keep posting

[Puppy Dog Tails]

When my wife was having her affair, she gave me similar "we will always be friends" speeches. She was delusional. I told her in no uncertain terms that if she ended our marriage this way -- having an affair, cutting and running without even working on it, and lying to everyone she loved about it -- that not only would I not be her BEST friend, we couldn't even be friends. Because that's not how friends treat each other.

This should her up terribly, and I think that -- the potential loss of my friendship -- along with the disapproval of her parents and our adult daughters, were the main things that caused her to end her affair very quickly.

Your husband's being a baby, I'm sorry. His atty works for HIM, and can't do anything your husband doesn't want done. His crocodile tears are just looking for absolution for his poor character and destructive choices.

But that's just me.

Puppy

[breakaway]

Also...how do you know his lawyer didn't tell him he was going to get raked over the coals financially, so he ran to you to mediate instead? just sayin'.

[Calliope]

Thank you both for your replies. I do believe that he was hit with the reality stick last week. He is feeling guilt for his bad decisions and actions. And has said many times that he wants to 'make this right' (meaning the divorce process). Although it was his discussion with the lawyer that set him off, he is promising changes outside of just the divorce process, saying he is going to be open and honest with everyone about everything. (meaning that he is telling the OW how his relationship with me and the kids is going to be, regardless of what she thinks). He says he feels so much better this week, feels like a weight has been lifted off of him. What I do not want to do, is act like everything is wonderful now between us. Rgardless of how wonderful he feels, he still left his family for another woman. I'm still a mess over that, yet I cannot let him see that!

I'm torn about the friendship thing. My DB coach had said to try and be his friend a while back, when he first showed signs of trouble with the OW. However, my therapist (very pro-marriage) said it was not the time to be his friend, since he had already filed, it was time for me to back away more. Within a week, it was clear that I really didn't have to make that decision anyway, because he pulled away so much more after that, and was being more and more unreasonable.

So now, I really do need to make that choice. I'm torn between doing whats best for the kids now (being his friend?) and doing whats best to get him back in the long run.

Thanks!

[Calliope]

Hi breakaway. I've definitely thought of that. Actually, lots of people have mentioned that to me too. A few reasons.. 1) I heard alot about this lawyer, and its not how he operates. He is known to be brutal, to make lots of crazy promises to his clients. He's arrogant, and would never tell a client that he's not going to win big. 2) As naive as this sounds, I can still tell when my H is being genuine. I know him too well.

Thanks for reading my story.. looking forward to getting to know you all!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Sometimes what's best for the kids is to hold their father up to the higher standard, and to force him to try and reach it.

Considering your description of his character and his past history, I do not find this at all credible or compelling:

Although it was his discussion with the lawyer that set him off, he is promising changes outside of just the divorce process, saying he is going to be open and honest with everyone about everything. (meaning that he is telling the OW how his relationship with me and the kids is going to be, regardless of what she thinks).

I would be willing to bet you ANYTHING that he most certainly has NOT been honest with the OW. Is there a way for you to confirm that, without tipping him off?

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

2) As naive as this sounds, I can still tell when my H is being genuine. I know him too well.

Your history suggests otherwise. Sorry.

[Stronger]

I agree with Breakaway and Puppy. I think your H came clean with his lawyer and his lawyer asked “Does she have a lawyer? Oh she does, then you’re going to get worked buddy.” And with marital misconduct, he very well could….if you decide to go that route.
You really can't say what his lawyer said to him, no matter what you know about him.

Not to rain on your parade but to let you know, he’s probably more scared of what you are going to do legally.

But there is always that chance he’s sincere….

My L told me he sees many couples reconcile. He was honest and said one of the reasons for the reconciliation….one side sees how much they are going to lose and not just emotionally, but from a financial stand point too. But if that were the case, if your H stuck around because he was worried about going to the cleaners….I say so what? Who cares why they stay? What matters is what you turn the relationship into once both parties are back in it.

But Puppy is right again...you really don't know this guy right now. He's got other people/factors influencing him right now that are not fans of yours.

Just protect yourself right now....it will hurt more if you don't.

[Calliope]

no apology needed! I was waiting for that comment

actually, when he had the affairs, I could tell deep down in my heart that he was hiding things. This last time, I honestly think I was too deep in my own depression to care. I dont blame anyone for thinking I'm a fool for trusting this latest show of emotion on his part.

regardless.. I am keeping my lawyer, and not backing down on my requests in terms of the settlement, so if he is a great actor, I'll be protected.