I have been on this board for a while. I have hit something that Waw did that I can't get past. It deal with my D9. She had a mishap in the shower and got soap somehwere. It burned and she was crying. W came into investigate and shut the bathroom door. While I was standing there. D said she used dady's soap and it burned her. W asked what did dady's do? Did daddy do that to you? Did daddy put the swop there? D said no she did.
I was so sick all night thinking about it. My D has done this before but the line of questioning never went that route. I approached W and said what she did was very unsettling and hurtful. There was no reason to go down that path. I got that W was making sure that D understood that she has to be articulate when communicating the problem. Just in case someone else had heard her say that.
My dilema is how to handle this further as I do not think my W was honest in her answer. Advise?
Well, this is my opinion, of course, but I think it is sad that it has come to the place some dad's are almost afraid to hug their D's from fear of somebody making something ugly out of it. If I were in your shoes, I would not allow W to get away with making remarks like that and then letting it end with that "thought" still in the air. You need to have a private talk with your W and then maybe the two of you sit and talk to your D.......I'm not sure how to handle that part of it. Maybe you could get advise from a better source than me. I just think you should not have to endure those remarks and your child "given" those ideas or thoughts about her dad.
Was your W ever molested by a relative.....or anyone? My first thoughts would be that she was and had that "fear" of her child going through that.....even though she knows you, it wouldn't over-ride her own experience.
My second thought would be extreme over-protectivness as a mother and hearing these things on TV, etc. and over-reacting to something that had been on her brain.
The third thought would be vindictiveness. I haven't read your stitch, but you refered to her as a WAW, so maybe she is out to "get ya" any way she can. That would be a cruel thing to do to you and your D, but WAW's don't always think like they should. That is no excuse and that's why I said to not allow this to go without you confronting her and letting her know in no uncertain terms that you won't allow her to paint a picture of you like that. If she settles down and if she agrees that she shouldn't have said what she did, then the three of you should sit down with your D and mother should explain that she over-reacted b/c she's heard of little girl's being molested.........something like that.
The important thing is that your D knows what really happened. Just don't need somebody trying to mess that up.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi Thanks W said after her explanation of the D thing...that I have become this amazing man. That I am wonderful with the kids and it is just amazing. She can see how much they love me. They tell her every day what things they did we with me over and over again. She said she was jellous as I have the kids 4 nights and one weekend day. She see what I have with them but she cant have it right now due to her school and I know the OM her classmate. I did this once before when she had to go for 2 weeks and I ran the house. It was so much fun. When she got back she hated that I had control and was running things. She said in MC that she knew then that she was expendable. That everyone could get by without her. My threads are all over as W started reading my threads. You helped my out in April – May with my wifes EA. We got back together but she couldn’t get past the “past” and couldn’t get past my finding out about the EA using software. The sitch has spirralled out of control in the past 2 months. No friends are supporting her in her desire to D. All want her to try and fix she says no. So it just keeps getting ugly. There is more to fill in but this is a quick update.
I don't know anything about the legal side of it, but it seems to me that a lawyer or somebody could tell you what to do. That is like blackmail! I would be so furious to know she would do such an "evil" thing to a child simply b/c she was jealous. How horrilbe!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi thanks... My update is not good. W was at friends house with kids. I came home so she could go to school. Didn't see them so I started over to friends house. I get there and classmate is already there. I am ticked and say W could nt call me to let me know what's up but boy friend knows? But I did it in front of kids. W jumps in car with classmate and leaves to go to our house. Kids are all over the place. I am angry. So not a good scene. W send email asking if I have lost my mind and a bunch of other things saying I acted like a jerk. Calls later to quiz kids and then talks to me to say D was upset about outburst. Say I clearly want a seperation and we need to move this forward. Then her phone dies. I ask D is she ok. D says yes she was just upset about W and me never saying ILY and kissing or hugging. This is of course is not what W said D was upset about. D said W and me were going to talk to her and S this weekend.
Don't stress it. Did she or did she not have the kids at a place you did not expect, with her BF present, when they were supposed to be at the house? You might have overdone it, but her reaction is as much guilt as anything else. Since she has a BF, I would continue to take a tough stand, unless you intend to share your WIFE with another man. You have the kids most, which is a good framework for eventual physical custody. Just keep your distance. Keep being the best dad you can be.
With the soap issue I worry more that your wife is looking for ways in which you are a bad parent. Make sure that you continue to show that you are nothing but the better choice for parent. Since she is living elsewhere, I'd limit her ability to just come and go. She should be ringing the bell and waiting for you to invite her in. If she's not, set the boundary that she isn't free to come and go in the house. Are you invited into OM's house?
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
So here is the ugly update. When I returned from business trip my kids were talking about OM. I brought this up to W and she summarily dismissed it as nothing. It continued into the next week. This lead to a new discovery. I was looking for my kids and W as no one was home. So I start out to the friend’s house. And low and behold OM’s car is there. OM was there waiting for W. I introduced myself to BF and shook his hand. Said to W BF knows where my kids and W are but not me. I did this in front of the kids. W flipped out and left to go to school with OM.
All kinds of stuff happened next.
After the ordeal above W explains how my kids met OM. On first day of “carpool” D said OM looked scary. So W wanted to make sure she met him to make my D comfortable with W getting in car with him. W initiated the “car pool” while I was out of town. The car pool seemed to lend itself to W staying out til 1 or 2 am after school during this time and continued when I returned.
Friend whose house that happened at said I yelled at her saying she knew. It didn't happen but I had a feeling she wanted this to go ugly.
W burned papers in front of S. Saying they were her secrets and feelings she was going to give but she won't any more.
She had been quizzing the kids about what I say to them. W said S had a private conversation with me and he couldn't tell W. Of course this never happened. W said D wanted to talk to talk to her. W said it must be about me calling OM BF. It wasn't. It was asking W why she treated me badly and never says ILY when she says it to them.
W says kids see her as blah b/c I do fun things with them when she is not with us. Well this week that was 6 days out of 7 in a physical sense. 7 out of 7 b/c she spent the entire day not feeling well, napping and studying. Said she felt tired. A normal person would realize you can't stay out til 1 or 2 am every night drinking and partying and feel good. This is just insane.
Whenever I feel good and confident and the kids are happy, W seems to wrestle the fun out by some way or I give it to her by doing something stupid like confronting her.
W seems to be locked on to the kids love me more than her. Says she is OK with it. But I know better. If she was she wouldn't mention it so often. The role with the kids has flipped on her. I love my role now and it has nothing to do with W. I know this is what I was meant to do. I am just sorry it had to come to this for it to happened.
I feel like I need a referee at the house to blow the whistle on stupid things and set it straight. I just don’t know how much of this crap I can take. How do people keep up a smile for the kids with all this insane stuff happening? I am trying to keep the kids in the eye of this storm as much as I can. But in doing so every once in a while we touch the edge and the storm hits the kids and me. I am not sure how long I can keep them protected.
Phoenix..Thanks for the input. W lives with us in her own room. This is what makes all this so damn confusing and painful. I am concentrated on the kids. We are having a good time while still getting things done. It is the way things are supposed to be and should have been. I see now a big part of what happened to the family and marriage. If we couldn’t do things together, we did not do things at all.
W said she had kids all week. Weekends were for her to relax and have time to herself. Weekends for me and kids were we were working and schooling all week so we wanted to do things on the weekends. When W didn’t want to do things we didn’t. Now we just do them without her and we have fun...so much fun. W is feeling left out and said she is jealous she can’t be the fun parent and part of the fun. Thing is I'm not the fun parent. We just have fun doing simple things together. No pressure to please everyone, just to enjoy the time together and do things…clean the house, go bike riding, go to the local park and play tag with the kids etc. It is such a shame it didn’t happen before. Hindsight is 20 20.
Been reading When love hurts - alot of information in there that defintiely exisited in my M. Started some of the exercises. Not sure what can come of it for my M. It will helpm me be a better person in the next go around but not sure what it can do for my current sitch.
Has anyone read and begun the exercises in their WAS sitch? A lot of what you change needs interaction with W or H and without it I an not sure you can measure effectiveness.
