Had a chat this morning about things and it's good that she is thinking about it and willing to work on it. She said that she wants it to be different, for me and for her. What I mean is that she wants it to be better so that I'm happier and so that she enjoys it too.
She said that the problem is she just doesn't feel anything. She said it's like someone stroking your arm. She just doesn't get going. Fair enough I guess but I would just quite like a button that I could push that would get her going... if only life was that simple!
S&A, thanks for the post there. I've had a look at those other 2 threads and they make a lot of sense. The 2nd one especially, I can identify with a lot of what that guy is feeling.
Just pick up on a couple of things. While having kids are something that we would both like in the not too distant future I have said before that it's not an option till we get this issue sorted. I'm not going to bring kids into a relationship that has this sort of issue in it. While I don't think there will ever be a perfect marriage and therefore never a perfect situation for having kids I don't think where we are at at the moment is anywhere near where it should be for that sort of thing.
Of course I've thought about leaving and still do at times. BUT, I love my wife so much and wouldn't want to be with anyone else. We have a great life together and this is really the only issue I have with our marriage and our life. So I'm fully committed to working to sort this issue out.
Just want to give you a little info on what happened yesterday. Was in bed in the morning and chatting and a little bit of touching etc. I asked out ML and she was sort of like "errrmmm.. ok..... hhhhmmmmmm...." she didn't really want to but would because she knew it sort of had to be done... At that moment the phone went and I had to go. She said we would have a nice night and ML later.
So later we went out for dinner, did a bit of shopping and she helped me pick some clothes. Came back and watched a bit of telly and then we went to bed. So at this point I'm on a promise and so I kiss and cuddle a little. She knows that it has to happen but isn't really into it that much although she's trying. It's a bit like trying to get a dead weight involved. I'm doing all the work and there is very little coming from her apart from a few "I'm getting squashed" groans... not the sort of groans I would like to hear from her at this point! Anyway, things move on and we ML but she's just enduring it and so although it is nice in a way I can't help feeling she's just doing it because she feels obliged and for sure she took no pleasure in it.
So that was that. Better than nothing but not great. It's good that she's willing to think about it but we've still not had any sort of breakthrough I don't think.
We're going away tomorrow night for a night so it'll be interesting to see if anything happens there. Often when we're away that is worse because she knows that that is a time when more ML might happen so she pulls away and struggles even more.
Originally Posted By: struggling&tired
Had a chat this morning about things and it's good that she is thinking about it and willing to work on it. She said that she wants it to be different, for me and for her. What I mean is that she wants it to be better so that I'm happier and so that she enjoys it too.
She said that the problem is she just doesn't feel anything. She said it's like someone stroking your arm. She just doesn't get going. Fair enough I guess but I would just quite like a button that I could push that would get her going... if only life was that simple!
S&T,
(1) You don't ever "ask" for sex. You say "I want to have sex" or "Lets have sex". That puts the ball in her court as to whether she has the desire or not.
(2) It sounds to me as if your wife is (a) just not into sex with you (b) just not into sex at all. If its (a) you need to work on your approach (confident/ centred, not wimpy, not begging or pleading). If its (b) she needs to work on and explore her sexuality (only she can do this - if she doesn't want to, then you have a major problem in this marriage).
(3) Bad sex (bread crumbs) is actually worse than no sex because it perpetuates the cycle you have playing out in your marriage.
(4) If your wife is serious about dealing with this issue, demand that you both see a sex therapist.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
I'm not necessarily in the same situation. We seem to actually becoming out of this type of situation. I did all the lifting for 13 years. She came to me humbly asking for my forgiveness for her selfishness all those years and brought up a lot of reasons and acknowledged how hard I tried while she only said she was trying. How she didn't really try and how patient I've been with her and how she knew I could have left her or cheated, but didn't. After the tears (mostly mine) we started on a ver, very bumpy road. I do not trust her still and I almost think it's too little too late and that is what I need help with. I can see it tares her up that she caused our marriage to be passionless for so long for own selfcenteredness.
She sees how her own ideas of marriage were very warped and that marriage actually requires sexual intimacy, or why be married. She understands my resentment and doesn't try to get me to white wash it, but 13 F#$%ing years and the prime of my sexual years gone. I feel like such a fool for not walking out even when kids were present. I'll never get those back because I believed her every time she said, "I know I'll try", or "I know I'll change", or "I'll never say no again." and countless times I was rejected. It hurts so bad when the memmories come back. Even though we've had more sex in the last 6 months than in the last 13 years, I don't trust her and don't believe her anymore. I want to, but she has crushed and scattered my faith and hope in her.
