Hello, This would be my first post even though I have been lurking and asorbing much in the shadows for quite some time. I think its time to truly use the resources that are available here and looking forward to rolling up my sleeves to do...or not do what ever it takes to get through all of this.
Here's my story, I am 48 and my wife is 48 and we have been married for 21 years. Four kid's ages S19,D19,S16 & S14. Difficulties throughout the years in our marriage and have done a few rounds of MC through the years. Most recent MC was right around the first of the year but that did not go well. Also attended Retrovaille back in April which also did not have much of a chance for success due to wife being involved in an emotional affair although was denying that at the time.
We have had numerous issues in the past as well came into the marriage with a few as well. On our way home after dropping off our two oldest (twins) at college we had a big blow out fight on the way home. Shortly after that is when I started noticing major changes, wanting to run triathalons, new clothes & make up (my god we have spent a fortune on wrinkle creams) and a huge interest in new music. The ILYBIDLY was presented at the beginning of November 2008 after I came home after visiting the twins in a grumpy mood.
I of course have been doing all the wrong things as far as begging, pleading and crying even though shortly after having the ILYBIDLY bomb dropped, I went out and read both Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting. I have read numerous other books as well....5 Love Languages, The Seven Principles, Fighting for Your Marriage(MC assignment she refused to do even though the MC was her idea) along with many, many more. Done a few of the faith based books as well, loved "The Shack" read "Fireproof" and anything Tony Dungy wrote. Yea, for a while there I was hanging out in "those" bookstores, yanno the christian ones (what were you thinking?) and no there is absolutely nothing wrong with that actually very much is right about all of that. Just trying to keep my sense of humor as best I can. Currently I am reading Emotional Infidelity and just read MidLife for Dummies posted under resources on this forum and am wondering why anyone in MLC would think that they are unique.
I have and continue to look at myself and change....lord I can do that the rest of my life. I have and well we have many many issues. I have been extremely successful in GAL'ing, and continue to work on detaching although I find it difficult at times, especially when the validation part should be thrown into the mix. I try to be a fixer...I spent alot of time in my youth as Alan Landers...Ann Landers unknown secret brother.
I have rediscovered my faith and find at times it is something and at times the only thing I have to lean on. That is also one of the main reasons I am here is I need more to lean on and I need to keep my strength and convictions going. In that process I hope that I can return the favor as well.
I recognize that this is a long and difficult process...and when examing where I may be along that road I find that my spouse is solidly in the Anger and Replay stage. I feel that the Anger is starting to subside but realistically anger is something that we both have struggled with through the years and one that I really hadn't taken responsibilty for my issue until the ILBIDLY bomb was dropped. I watch it and really feel empowered with addressing it and having success dealing with it. Unfortunately, I am not allowed any anger, frustration and many times even if I don't have those feelings they will be interpreted that I do. Oh well...that is part of the MLC I am thinking.
As far as the replay stage is concerned, she has been chasing after a 31 year old singer/songwriter wannabe/IT Systems guy. See above re: newfound interest in new music. She continues to stalk him even though I know that back in late May he gave her the "We are at different stages of our lives...I want a family of my own and you already have your family, missive." He also said (in an email she left accidently on the computer) that they had discussed that on a couple of previous occasions.
She tends to pursue a few other guys as well, anyone that says she looks great (she does look great and I have told her that for years). I asked/told her she needs to go find what she wants, who she wants. However she wants me to move out or at least split time with me moving in parents as to not spend any money. That is a cruel thing... because where the hell do you think my issues came from in the first place. At this time though, I know what I want and I am not the one looking for something else and I feel it is important to be here for my two boys here at home, give them some stabilty in this nightmare.
There is so much more....but I'm thinking this is enough to wet the appetite and you guys are very good at asking for information on what is important. Let me know what you want to hear next? My issues? My wifes? How I think the GB Packers are going to do this season? Please, keep me in check, in your thoughts and prayers and I will do the same. Thanks....
ok, first things first. You have a sense of humor. That's great. You will need it dealing with a MLCer.
Good for you for reading DR.
You have come to the right place. There are many wonderful people here. Try to post to others. People will get to know you and be more apt to check out your thread.
So, here we go.
The first thing you should realize is that dbing is for you. It's so that you can become the best SN you could be. It's where you will learn that happiness doesnt come from someone else. And its a journey that can be unbelieveably rewarding. And sometimes it even saves marriages.
You have stopped the begging and pleading. Good. The detaching takes a very long time. Of course, the sooner you get it, the better off you'll be. But, it comes when it comes.
Your w is on her own journey. Let her walk it. That's not to say you should be taken advantage of. But you cant shake her, shock her or beg her out of it. It has to unfold in her own time.
MLC is not for the faint of heart. You have to dig in and learn a lot of patience. Superhuman patience.
You are GAL, good. Remember any changes you make, anything you do, has to be real. It has to be for you. Otherwise, your w will see it for what it is - you trying to win her back. That will get you nowhere fast.
So, figure out what your part in the unraveling of your marriage was. And look to see how you can change. Then, really look at yourself. And figure out what other changes you need to make to become the person you were meant to be.
Hang in there. Remember, no matter what, you will be ok.
Welcome. Beginners already said all of the important stuff that you didn't cover so I won't go over it all again.
Support, sense of humor, you have definately come to the right place.
I am sure you know all of us pretty well if you have been lurking, and some of the others will stop by soon, but now, we need to get to know you.
So, where to start? I am not one who always wants to rehash every single issue if it has been resolved, but I will caution you that the little buggers sometimes rear their ugly heads when you least expect them. So beware and talk here about them if you are inclined. Is there anything specific you want to share, about you, W, how the kids are handling this? Boy and I'm one of the nosy ones LOL.
The validation really depends on the situation. It is hard during the angry spews, because you do want to reply. But you are right, it isn't allowed. It isn't really productive anyway, which is why the validation. It takes the wind out of their sails. Personally, I found, I understand that you feel that way, and do what you must, worked really well. Or variations there of, depending on my mood. The men will be able to help you with that a little more because a woman in MLC, although using the same script, is very different from a man in MLC.
So again, welcome, read, post, jump in where ever you feel comfortable.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Hi SN, You seem to have a good handle on things with all the reading( I did the same thing!). I wouldn't be the one to move out. Stay in your home and take care of your kids.
Remember she is not the person you married-people describing MLC as an alien invasion seem to have hit it on the head. Different behaviors and the things come out of her mouth will have you wondering just who she is! She's figuring it out the hard way(on everyone!). She, hopefully, will come back and be the woman you loved and wanted to spend your life with, but its going to take time and its not a pleasant ride.
Focus on YOU and your kids. Hang in there. Visit often and vent here(not family/friends).
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Your saying all the right things...which is great. Not used to to many newbies having such a good grasp of this.
Two suggestions for you.
One - Read something for FUN besides all these self help realtionship books, you really only need one, and they all tend to say the same things...plus you can get information overload.
Two - Wife - "You should move out." You - "Blow me." (In a nice way.)
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Jack offers good advice - particularly on the NOT moving out. I did. It is now one of the things in life I don't get a Do-Over on.
You may have made some mistakes you would like to take back. We've all had that wish. Don't add moving out to your list. You have done nothing so wrong that you should punish or martyr yourself into giving her and her new friends free run of your home. If you do, expect to see all of your pictures disapear along with pictures of your children. They will be sad to see that they are a reminder to her of her real age. She wants a Do-Over. She is intent of being 17 again. It is not her fault, it is the MLC mind that has taken over.
In response to Any/All comments from your W about separating or moving out ... "I regret that you feel that way and that it has come to this. I understand there could be some financial burdens generated by one of us renting a new place, but that is the nature of ending a M and we must both accept that we could be faced with that. It will be painful, but I will help you move as soon as you find a place that meets your needs. As for the money, we may have to start cutting back, liquidating some things, or borrowing. In comparison to a D, it will be a small order of fries."
As for living with your folks, if she is sure it is such a good idea, move her there.
Jack may be able to go into detail at some other time about helping his MLC W move. His kids were in a better place at home with him than mine were when I left them with their MLC mom - the X. I live back in my home today with a 20+ son who fell into a very dark place during all this. I truly believed I was going to lose him too. After a couple years of struggle, he is slowly doing better and returning to a better world. Her new friends helped her move her clothes, makeup, and a very large check that I won't pay off in a lifetime.
Don't spend time worrying about what might be the worst possible outcome and trying to avoid it. Think instead about what might be your very best possible outcome with or without her, and begin preparing for it yesterday. Who are you? Who will you be?
I know it's a lot of words for about the same thing as what Jack said. I really like his answer and wish I had been strong enough at the time to use it.
Jack may be able to go into detail at some other time about helping his MLC W move.
You made it sound...pleasant. Like, remember that time when I put all your crap in storage when you were on a two month vacation screwing the OM, and then later I would drop more fo your stuff off on the driveway of your new apartment? Ahhhh good times. ; )
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
