Help Me Bust My Divorce

[K4D]

goalie,

If you would like to email me so we can start pulling this group together and I will put it so that it does not pull up on here if a search is done.

My email is "kevin" "4" "dallas" at yahoo.com. So just take out the quotes and put it together. I had contact with Fightin4mywife tonight. I am going to give him a call tomorrow. He is wanting to get together and form a group.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

How do we deal with this devastation; this hurt and pain and fear and loneliness? I know I'm a grown man, (49), who should be able to "deal with it," but my 25 yr relationship, kids and all is being stripped from me. My beautiful bride has morphed into a venomous Pit Bull with PMS, entering menopause. And I still love her and want to love her through this. I am so stressed by this I can't sleep or eat well. I don't want to do life without my wife, lover, friend. I hurt.

Been there, done that. This sucks. Dear friend, this just sucks. Like an organ (that you need to live, not a disposable one) is being yanked out from you and you are not certain you can live without it...but you can. Can you tell me what the reasons are that SHE actually says, and what she is DOING that is different? Also her educational level, economic factors, any other 3rd parties, etc. And you mention her PMS,, which I hope you do NOT mention to her, right? I mean, that won't help you even if it's true. And I've seen a friend or two get pretty wacky for months at a time until they got some meds b/c 5-12% of women have a BIG BAD time of it emotionally, to the point of needing meds. But you cannot be the messenger of that news.

need more info from you and will try to catch up on your thread. As you can see by my signature at 25 yrs my h went into an odd MLC. Last summer we had our 28th anniversary and I would not have predicted that 2 years ago...

Keep posting. have you read the DB books? Please do read them, and pay attention as they'll tell you things other books won't and DB works better than most sources and better than most apprpoaches. Also think you should read The Five Love Languages by Chapman. Don't pursue. For now do that reading. If you can at all, CALL and schedule a session with a DB coach. I did a lot of things for my m, but if I could only do ONE thing again, it'd be hiring the DB coach. Please get a session as they're very specific about "things Not to do" and things to do and detaching and all the rest. You are in the right place as gross as it is.

This too, shall pass. And by the way, it's important to be strong for the kids even though they're older. They'll be betrayed someday or face a bad setback and you are modelling how to handle that. They need to see that although your pain is deep, it is not eternal and it is not fatal...you will heal. They're watching you.

Take care,

(( j ))

[Fightin4mywife]

Thank you 25. It is good to receive encouragement from an ever widening circle of fellow travelers. Congrats on your success. I'm choosing to be faithful to the belief regarding my situation that this divorce can be busted. I will not quit.

jim

[25yearsmlc]

Hey,
still not telling me WHY she is hard and bitter and what reasons she gave for wanting out....what did she actually SAY and DO that created this sitch?

If we know her objections we're better able to help you. And what do YOU think your part in this marital crisis was/is, and hers? The more you own, the better. Why? Not b/c it makes you a jerk but b/c it gives you SOME control b/c if you are a big part of the problem and you are the only person you control...then YOU CAN do something about this sitch.

I always marvel when spouses ironically want their WAS's to be the "wrong" ones...I mean, to me, the Best news a mc can give us is that I have some crap to work on and improve b/c I only have effective control on me. If the mc were to say "sorry 25, you married a loser who'll never change..." THEN I'm stuck for real with no options b/c my spouse is the idiot & and I have NO control then. When I'm the problem or at least part of it, there is hope. Hope you all get this. It's important. But it's not to deny HER choices either. Just trying to piece together what we can to help.

Keep posting,
j-

[aliveandkicking]

I mean, to me, the Best news a mc can give us is that I have some crap to work on and improve b/c I only have effective control on me. If the mc were to say "sorry 25, you married a loser who'll never change..." THEN I'm stuck for real with no options b/c my spouse is the idiot & and I have NO control then. When I'm the problem or at least part of it, there is hope. Hope you all get this.

Absolutely brilliant!

[Fightin4mywife]

Ok 25. I've been extremely busy with my seasonal business and so off-line for sometime. The details you request:

My own junk - tobacco addiction and years of broken promises to quit; Some limited past porn use and lies regarding it; anger; some physical and verbal abuse; years of promises to change and never repeat certain behaviors. Most behaviors did cease several years ago. One incident of physical abuse last year (I smacked her on the bottom).

No single incident occurred that prompted her actions. I believe the most critical issue is that I never accepted responsibility for my atrocious behavior, never owned it and repented and never came to my wife, in love, and attempted to rebuild trust and security.

She obviously has her own issues but regardless I have not been a compatible, loving, nurturing, caring husband/father much of the time. I have such regret and remorse over my actions. I grieve the hurt I see in her and wish I could carry it for her. But I can't tell or show her that.

The bottom line is just what Michele tells us. She believes she knows everything about me, and believes that I can never change. Well, I understand thats her reality. I also know better because I am so thankful for the people God has placed in my path over the last year that have held my hand and walked me through the process of taking responsibility, confessing, repenting, making amends and seeking forgiveness and finding my own self-respect. I am happy with who I am today. I did all that crap, but I'm free today. Of course she can't believe. And what she see's she believes to be lies and manipulation.

The thing about all this is that my wife and I are not far apart. If she knew my heart today, and my desire to protect her and reassure and nurture her, she would get crazy in love with me. She just cannot trust right now. I don't blame her. But I sure want to have the opportunity.

As far as her responsibility goes, she can be very controlling and if I don't in loving, gentle fashion excercise my responsible authority, she pushes more and I get more resentful and pull away. I indulge work and hobbies (no more destructive stuff though; even found victory over tobacco 6 months now! yay!) Ultimately I would typically get angry, yell, cuss and finally, if it gets really out of hand, get physical. Believe me, I still cry almost daily over this stuff I did to my wife. But no more beating myself up. She does enough of that. God set me free.

But even inspite of all my junk I did to her she was generally accomodating sexually. She did use it often to manipulate but even participated within a month of her decision to file.

I initially started attempts at reconciliation by working the Love Dare. Was experiencing HUGE success until she reported this stuff to her friend/confidant/self-described-counselor who advised her to run for the hills and not trust this manipulating, liar. Ironically her friend/counselor is a family friend and has never spoken to me about any of this or made any attempt to help us.

Very interesting point your last paragraph. Thank you for the reality check. Let me know if more info needed. thanks
jim