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[Day by Day]

Hello, I've decided to post my situation for advice because I don't know if just trying to work on my patience and GALing is enough.

My husband left our home over 4 months ago after a big fight we had. I've apologized countless times for my part but he won't forgive me. But I think he is using it as an excuse. We were drifting apart for several months. I think it was because he got a significant promotion that had him overworking and lots of traveling and he is training for marathons which sucks a lot of his time. We weren't spending enough quality time together. It was frustrating me and I starting nagging him about it, and obviously it didn't work. So I escalated it (I know now that it was stupid) and I eventually got so frustrated that I couldn't contain my anger any more and we had a bad fight. He moved out the next day and took half the money out of the bank acct. He's been living with my SIL, niece and MIL since then. He threatened to get his own apartment, but still hasn't. He was totally enraged with me and repeated over and over he wants a divorce from me. He said he doesn't want to be a married man anymore. He still hasn't filed. I won't.

For the first couple months, I was so hurt/angry with him for leaving that I couldn't think and made lots of DB mistakes. The typical ones, begging, crying, trying to make him see what a mistake he's making, how he's hurting the kids (D13, S12), etc. I've read the DR book a few times now and I'm working on GAL and I'm making myself happier and I see how that works for me. I've been seeing that what he is going through is about him and not me. I don't know if he is WAS or MLC, or maybe both.

I've read the Love & Respect book and have been working on complimenting him, appreciating him in emails... just adding on a positive comment in short emails that show me as forgiving. I see it is working a little and he's writing me longer emails. And it is helping me feel better by forgiving him anyway. But he rarely iniciates an email and we don't speak on the phone. But he's not so mean anymore.

I just don't know what more to do. We haven't had any real counseling. He started a couple with me months ago to "help me get through the divorce". I have the kids in counseling and hoping that when we go for family counseling, something might get through there. I'm going for IC. I don't recognize him and having trouble figuring out what's going on in his head. Well I think he's confused too.

I don't know whether to try to have more communication or just wait for him to initiate. The extreme rejection a couple months ago has me so gun-shy, but I think I need to try... Guess I'm so confused by him that I don't know what step to take myself besides GAL.

Thanks for reading,
Day by Day

Me 40
H 39
M 17 yrs
ILYDLY 5/06/09

[sandi2]

Glad you came to the board. I won't spend a lot of time with an introduction and get right into your stitch. BTW, the more you can tell us, the better we may be able to help. Keep posting and don't stop even if you get discouraged.

Have you read Divorce Remedy? That is a must. All those books on how to "improve" your M doesn't work when you are S and he's threatening D. DR is what you need to read to know how to bust a divorce.

Patient & GAL is not enough. What about detaching? You know what GAL is, but do you know about lovingly detaching? Most people tend to want what they think they can't have and that applies especially now with your H. Why are you doing all this pursuing after him? And why are you apologizing over and over? Don't you think once is enough.....especially if you've been rejected?

I am not much for MC unless the C is pro M. If not, then the C will have you D before you know what hit! I would also advise you not to get the entire family involved in a C session until you and your H have begun to work together. Don't use the kids to try to get him back.

Read as many post on the board as you can b/c that will help you.

[Day by Day]

Thanks Sandi, I'm trying the detaching and it's scary. I feel like I'm going to shut my heart off to him. I have read the DR book. He's stopped saying D and I've stopped pursuing (I think). I've stopped apologizing and R talk weeks ago.

I do think I'm having trouble finding a C that is pro-M. The one I brought the kids to thought he could get H into IC thru them to help the M. I've stopped the R talk, so there hasn't been any MC. I've just been trying to be upbeat, friendly, calm, positive and compliment the things he does that I appreciate. I've been making new friends, taking classes, joined a co-dependents support group... whatever I can to focus on me for myself. I had felt I lost myself in our marriage and that wasn't attractive. Anyways, I'm feeling better about myself through GAL. I also notice other men noticing me. :-) Just wish my H would want me back.

So, I'll keep trying on lovingly detaching although that's scary territory for me because I haven't figured out how to do that or understand it that well.

I love your sig. When I read it last week I was reminded to have courage & invited H to join me and the kids to the movies yesterday and he accepted. That's a big change since he won't get physically close to me or avoids eye contact. He still avoided eye contact and sat with the kids between us. But at least he's tolerating my presence now. I was friendly, but distanced myself and we just don't talk. All through text messages.

I miss him and wish we could just talk but he just seems so mad and wants to be free. He used to be so affectionate with the kids and now he is detached a lot from them. I don't like who he is right now and that's what has me confused with the detaching. I can easily detach from who he is now, but miss the man I married.

[Stronger]

Everything you are advised to do right now is going to feel "wrong" or counter intuitive. Do it anyways.

You're confused because he is.

Ready How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It and also Michelle's How to Get Through to Your Man. Very insightful into how they think and what we can do to get through to them without all out wars.

You can do this and it's still very hopeful. Him saying yes to the movies was huge. Don't ask him anymore for now to do anything and when you do again, keep it light and easy. That will help him invite you out too. No R talks and def. no D talks.

[Day by Day]

Thanks Stronger, I just checked these books on Amazon and will be getting them asap. And I'll re-read DR. I agree, I am confused because of his confusion.

[sandi2]

It sounds like he needs some cooling off time so that some of that anger can simmer down.

Detaching has been proven over & over it really works. As long as you do things trying to confince him that he belongs with his family, he is going to feel pressued and that will cause him to pull away. Simple actually. You push forward and he backs away. But, if you pull back, then he will draw closer to you. Men like to be the one that does the pursuing.....even if you are M to them. So, stop making any call or text messaging. Don't send emails. Wait for him to do it first. Don't reply right away. Wait a while. That way, you don't come across as being overly eager, needy, or clingy. Men don't like women to be like that. They do like women they have to work to get.

Don't be afraid of this technique. Be confident b/c men think that is sexy in women. Fear & desparation is not sexy and men hate it. When he calls or emails, don't be rude or cold. You are to lovingly detach. Just remember that you are very valuable and he would be crazy to give you up. Become the woman he first fell in love with. That may be hard work, but don't you think it would be worth it to feel good about yourself?

Set some self-improvement goals. Think of ways you need to change and get to work. Spice something up in your appearance. Maybe a new hair color or style. Change up your style of clothes a bit. In other words, break the boredom.

[Cautious]

Be careful noticing those men noticing you. Or don't be careful. I'm not even sure really. It took my H noticing a young, handsome firemen noticing me to take a protective step closer. At the same time, however, any attention was good attention and I allowed myself to get caught up in some flirtations that were definitely NOT okay.

I definitely like the advice of looking good around your H. He definitely noticed, though it took him a few weeks to say so. And the other guys that he was noticing (the fireman) were noticing too. By the way, I never saw the fireman look my way.

[Day by Day]

I understand that he needs to be the one persuing me, but I've noticed if I don't keep contact with him with non-R things, he gets angry and mean. He's nicer and happier if I keep simple communication open. So wouldn't that be something to continue? A way to show him who he is missing? I can now block off my pain and act happy and confident. I'm not acting clingy at all.

I've lost 15 lbs the first couple months and kept them off. I now train for running a marathon. He had been pushing me to do that, but I didn't want to. Now I'm doing it for ME because I want to. We will be running the same races in Dec and Jan. I'm feeling confident and strong and I've made lots of female friends. I'm not interested in any other men, I just like to see that I'm attractive to other men. I still wear my wedding ring.

I've gone back to school, made my hair color lighter, dressing sexier and going out more with girlfriends. I act as if he will be coming back home.

I just wonder if going NC is right for my situation because he responds well to my texts and emails. And doesn't when I don't. And how else will he see my positive, confident attitude?

[sandi2]

So.....you're saying that he "waits" for you to send him emails? Well, in that case, since it seems to work......I would make the short and sweet and say nothing about the R. I would usually tell him you are in a hurry b/c you have this & that to do or some friends are waiting for you to go out. That way it shows him you are GAL without him.

Don't worry, he will know by the things he hears about how well you are do and how great you look.

[Day by Day]

It's so hard not to initiate contact. If I am getting more polite responses from him, isn't that a sign that my different attitude in my emails is working? Shouldn't I keep doing that? I have tried avoiding contact before and he seemed angrier with me.

I'm just so confused. He's NOT the man I married. He's not behaving like the man I love. I don't understand the behavior. This separation is so shocking and drastic and the silence from him is killing me. He's not moving on either, WTH?? I know not to have any R talks, but I'm trying to understand what's going on with him. How do I figure this out?