My divorce was final about 1 yr ago...we were having a difficult time, our lives became stale and unhappy much of the time. We have one child together. Unfortunately, in a moment of weakness I let someone else convince me to leave the marriage. I was honest from the start about my feelings for someone else, and he just left that day. I had a very bad counselor that, looking back did Not do anything to help me think the whole thing through rationally or I would never have left. I loved my ex-husband, and practically begged for my needs that weren't being met. Now, 1 year later, I would do anything to bring our family back together. We have been friends the whole time, he has been a great support the entire time and I think we really like and respect each other. I'm surprised much of the time of how wonderful he is to me after all we've been through. Lately, we've been doing few things together with our child, so I'm hoping there's a chance we can rebuild somehting we let go so easily. I learned a lot this past year and my mistakes, I understand and they would never happen again. I have been seeing a fantastic counselor now and have been working a lot on my stuff. I hope I can be a success story someday too..
I think that you will get more answers over in newcomers, this is probably a more appropriate place for you, but theres just more traffic over there and more of a chance that you will get some good advice!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
He says he sees no future with me now, no romantic feelings for me,...but then goes on and says "but never say never"... He said he's over the anger, but a lot of sadness still exists. His actions say something different to me however
Me too. Don't tell him you don't want to keep going as you are (you coming in, etc), but you should occasionally tell him you can't stay but be vague about if you have other plans. Make sure you are dressed sexy. Smile. Be happy. Do what you do when you want a guy to notice you.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
If it was an A, have you answered all his questions? Has he asked questions? Are there lies you've told that need to be disclosed? Does he fully understand why it happened? Has he expressed his feelings to you?
Your situation sounds a little glossed over. Most affairs are secretive and cruel, full of lies and rewriting of maritial history. As a betrayed spouse, I have many lingering questions about specific things that happened, what she was thinking, things that happened, why she did what she did, etc. I get along fine with my ex, but I don't trust her and I've learned to assume she's lying until I can verify it.
If my ex came to me and disclosed everything - real transparency with real insight into the 'why's' of it all, details, etc, I'd be more inclined to take her efforts to reconcile more serious.
Not sure if this is applicable to you, but the looking attractive part is nice as a tactic. I'd want some assurance I'm not going to get hurt again which only comes from insight and demonstration of honesty, transparency and love. He may be cold to you because he doesn't trust you.
Last edited by seeking sanity; 10/08/0904:43 PM.
I don't care, then I do, then I don't, then I do... la de da
Well, it wasn't really a full out affair...it was more an EA and as soon as I knew it could get to A, I felt I had to tell my H, I respected him too much to go behind his back, nor would I want that done to me, so I told him about the feelings I was having almost immediately, and he told me I had to stop seeing the OM, I told him that even if I did the emotions would interfere in our M and I didn't know what to do about it. He then left the house. He felt I chose the OM, and I don't feel I did, I really wanted things to work out in my M and I wanted my H to fight for the relationship and he basically just let me go. I'm not saying it's his fault, I am saying it took both of us to get the point we were at. That coupled with a very bad counselor that gave me very bad advice and gave us both bad advice when we had both seen her prior to the EA. Put all that together and it seems we didn't stand a chance.
My ExH has not asked any questions, we seem to be friends and I don't want to push anything. He hasn't even said he defineitly wants to try to reconcile; his actions have seemed to point in that direction, but there doesn't seem to be a reason to get into too much detail yet.
I'm sure he doesn't want to get hurt again... I wish I had some magic something to let him know for sure that what happened could never happen again. I do think we'd both need some good counseling (and I have found one) that could help us out tremendously and we could have a whole new and improved M. The old one wasn't working, but I see things a lot more clearly now.
It sounds like what you experienced might have been a little different..but sounds like you still want to work it out? Does your Ex?
Mar - this is slight 2x4. You had an EA. You refused to go no contact, so hubby left, and it's both of your faults? You're dodging accountability. And since you seem to be the one who wants him back, his feelings are more relevant to the sitch than yours. After all, he feels you chose OM, and that hurts him deeply.
Each spouse is 50% responsible for the relationship stuff, but you are 100% responsible for the affair. You need to make that right with him, before dealing with the underlying marital issues.
It's possibly he saw this as an excuse to leave. If he did, then he probably doesn't care that much. If he didn't, EA or not, he's wounded by it.
My experience with infidelity is a bit different, more extreme (I would have LOVED to have a spouse like you, in comparison) but it's all basically very similar. The person having the affair rewrites marital history to support his/her actions, because they don't want to believe they are "bad" people. The betrayed spouse feels like his/her life has been a lie and that they aren't, somehow, good enough. The way to get past it, from a betrayed spouses point of view, is to have transparency, absolute honesty, and to have the straying partner to do things that show love and rebuild trust.
Maybe one time when you are hanging out, you could bring it up in a gentle way. Say something like, "I have a lot of regret around my actions with the OM. I had an emotional affair and I causes me deep sadness that I brought this into our marriage. Regardless of what happens with us, I want to try to make this right with you. Is there anything I can do, or anything you'd like to know, anything at all that I could do for you to help heal this wound?"
That gives him an out if he really doesn't want to talk about it, or it gives him a chance to ask the things he's stewed about.
Last edited by seeking sanity; 10/09/0904:40 AM.
I don't care, then I do, then I don't, then I do... la de da
I'm sorry you feel I'm dodging, not my intent in all, my point was to say that I did the action, but it took both of us to reach that point. I understand that no matter how we got there, I have to see things from my Ex's perspective and I'm trying. There is, however a lot of guesswork on my part since we really don't see each other much, only when we are exchanging our son nor do we talk about what happenend or why. We had one conversation and I told him how sorry I am, and how I realized a lot of things about myself and where we went wrong in our R and I know we can, if he was willing, have a much better M than we did before (with help). I know this because I have a great counselor and because I can see that much of what went wrong was in the interpretation in our communication. We have 2 very different styles and I'm beginning to understand his much better which is half the battle.
I realize it might be too late, but I'm not ready to give up hope even though I feel like he's not ever going to be ready. Basically my Ex has told me that he'd like to see me on my own for a while, not to wait for him (which I think I've said before), and we'll see what the future holds (the things that gives me hope). If those are his wishes, then I've decided to do just that and leave him alone. I still invite him to do things with us, I'm much more upbeat when I do see him, and I keep it light. I think he knows it's his decision if he wants to try again, because I let him know that I would really like to put our family back together again.
It seems some part of him still cares or I don't think he would be so cordial and supportive. We had a great, unconditional friendship with each other and we were able to salvage that the whole time we've been apart. He and our son were always my first priority, and I always made sure he knew that too. I do think he's just sad and cant talk about it yet. I hope we get to that point though.
