For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[courts0818]

Although I'm not a newbie to this board, it's been a long time since I last posted and I'm not getting much response on the WAS forum, so I thought I would re-post here.
So...it's probably been 11 months since I last posted. And sadly, I'm still in the same miserable place. My husband stated his unhappiness 14 months ago and come October he's been out of our house for 1 year. The truth is...I have read DB, but it's been a long time ago. I've tried everything I know to do and everything I never thought I would do and I'm still here - in limbo. Letting him decide if I'll ever be good enough.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting tonight. Probably bc we were texting and he told me he doesn't feel anything for me. IDK why I'm crushed, but I am. I'm clueless as to what I should do.

I'm trying to stay strong for myself and our 3 year old daughter, but I'm breaking. It's so hard to keep love in my heart for him when I'm so angry for what he's doing to my daughter and I. And I'm so fed up with marriages being treated like some casual high school relationship. And I'm tired of this lame excuse people give about not being happy - too bad! You made a commitment, stick by it. Do EVERY last thing you can to save your marriage. You owe it to yourself, your spouse, your family, your children and God.

How can you live with yourself when you run away, refuse to acknowledge the pain you cause, and won't talk about anything? Do you care about anyone but yourself?

Sorry...this is just a vent. But I feel like I could blow up.

If you are the spouse that has been left, how are you holding up? How can you do this? How long have you been waiting? How do you cope even when you are constantly being hurt?

[courts0818]

As an FYI, two helpful people replied to my original post (above) and here is my response back to them - answering the questions they asked me. I will copy it below:

[courts0818]

"Letting him decide if I'll ever be good enough" - I said that bc I feel like I'm here waiting for him to decide if he wants to stay married, if he will ever move back home, if he will finally decide to try counseling and so on. He knows that I don't want a divorce so I feel like he gets to call all of the shots.

I do try to focus on myself and my daugther. But, sometimes it gets to be too much. Especially bc the nights at home are so lonely. And I do a lot of fun things with my daughter - trips to the zoo, farmer's market, play dates, bike rides, crafts and so forth - but I can't stop my thoughts from wishing we were doing these things as a family.

As for what I have tried and what I have done to show my H he should re-invest himself in me - - Well, that's a tuff one bc I'm on this emotional roller coaster. I'll go a few days feeling good, like I can do things on my own and then I'll crash and feel horrible that we aren't together.

For the past 11 months (since he's been gone) I have cried, pleaded, asked him to talk (which he has refused to do or says he doesn't know what he wants), sent text messages and emails, wrote letters, told him I would change, etc...Yes, I know all big no nos. But, that was bascially my inital reaction.

I tried completing the Love Dare (DK if you are familiar), but in a Godly manner tried loving him through this and doing thoughtful things for him while really working on myself.

Met with a counselor at church. Met with a lawyer to learn more about the divorce process (that was a reaction to him taking a week off of work and going on a vacation to FL without even telling me he was going - he didn't bother to tell me until he was already there. He left me alone to take care of our daughter for 10 days).

At times I stopped communicating with him. Other times I've told him off - bascially telling him to go to hell and get out of my life. I have GPS tracked him and showed up at his current residence - since he didn't share with me where he was living.

I told him he had to move back home or start counseling by the end of July and that didn't happen. I've attended family functions with him and also decided not to go with him at times.

I tried setting up a schedule so that he couldn't just pop in to our house (which he is still paying every bill for) whenever he felt like it. But, we've fallen back off that. And lately as the 1 year mark is moving closer, I've really been trying to force conversations regarding our future. Not a good idea and I know this - but there is something that is really eating away at me about him being gone for a year. I want him to start counseling or take a step towards us or I don't know if can or want to keeping hanging on.

And I know lots of ppl won't agree, but I keep our daugther 95% of the time. Some ppl will think I'm letting him off too easy or not making him be responsible, but her safety and well being is the most important thing to me. And if she's with me - I know the enviroment she's in, I know she's safe, I know she's comfortable and secure. Not that my husband would put her in a bad enviorment - I just feel like she needs the stability of her home. He does come here to see her, takes her to his parents to visit, etc...but she usually stays with me - which is what I've asked for countless times.

So...as I sit and think about everything and my actions - am I being a woman he would like to re-invest in? Well, probably not. But, I'm holding up the best that I can. I'm sure I sound like a hot mess.

I hope you don't have this image of a crying, pathetic, whiny, depressed woman bc that's not me. I'm venting. For the most part (although I do have bad days) I have maintained my sense of humor, bubbily, positive attiude. But I do feel like I'm breaking especially when he says things like he doesn' feel anything for me. That is just so hurtful. And true love is not just a feeling - it's a choice. We make the choice to love someone. It kills me to think he's making the choice to not love me.

Thanks for reading... : ( Courtney

[Eskimo Nell]

You are feeling much the same way as many of us. Get DB or DR out again, read and digest. Start to lovingly detach and look after yourself and your D. The rest will fall in to place.

In rather a large nutshell, here's lots of help to get you going:

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through
conversation.....say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.)
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act as if you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do
things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or
short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just
say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an
argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse
happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting
more than ever and are desperate and needy
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

.... and more:

H is viewing through the lense of someone who has already decided to leave and is looking for evidence to back that decision up. He only sees the bad right now.

When you have interaction with your H, be interested, but don't pursue him.

Know that it is a long row to hoe.

Detach, until he feels you are gone. That is what will "shake things up"

Detachment is a choice. Detachment can be faked (and should be if necessary) Detachment has more to do with the WS's perception than it does with your own feelings of being detached. Doesn't matter as much whether you "feel" you are detached as long as the WS perceives that you are.

Say, I can't do XYZ - already have plans - maybe another time?

If you choose ow then so be it. I am fine without you and as a matter of fact, I think it's for the best (me dumping him)

Firm, strong, confident, resolved

This is your mess, you need to clean it up. My patience won't last forever

I've worked for my marriage - changed attitudes, beliefs ME. I have invested time energy and focus.

Be short, blunt, mysterious

[bluerain]

I agree with what nell said, its also important to remember that as she said he only sees the bad right now, he also only remembers the bad. You have to maintain while you talk to him, be the one to end conversations and always look and smell great. Is he asking to see your child more than you allow? I dont think that many would disagree with you not forcing him to take her.

If you set boundaries, you must, must, must enforce them. Save your energy and breath if you cant enforce them, it will make him respect you more.

Its been too long of you trying something thats not working! Give your heart a break and remove yourself from the situation. Cut off communication about anything but business matters, just bills and the kids, and even during those talks, you be the one who has to go. It will not only give you some time to heal your heart and your brain, but it will give him time to wonder what you have been up to!

What have you done to get a life? I noticed that you had lots of great mom and baby activities, what are you doing for YOU? Remember, doing what is good for you is good for her! Read the DB books again, I also recently read a book by Gary Chapman called Hope for the Separated. What were your 180's?

I think that a big part of what goes through their minds has to do with guilt and shame, and they convince themselves that this is what they need to be happy... little do they know that it will almost certainly lead them to long drawn out misery, my H left 19 months ago, and hates the life that hes created for himself, but he made the bed, now he has to sleep in it!

Most importantly, DBing is for you! This is so that YOU can make positive changes and so that you can come out of this as a new person, one who has grown and made positive strides forward. Its about learning to cope in a devastating situation, and you can do it!

I hope that things get easier for you, and get on here and vent anytime!

Do something great with your weekend!

[courts0818]

Thank you both for your respones. I really needed it tonight. I'm in a bad, bad plance. H claims he has a guy's night in Chicago tonight. But, I don't beleive him. I "stalked" him and found out which hotel he was at, called the front desk, called his room and sent him a text message. I got a reply back that I do NOT think was from him - sounded totally unlike anything he would say. So...at this point. I'm detaching. I have no other choice. I plan to keep it all business from here on out.

I'm paralized with fear, but I'm DONE texting him, begging him,
asking him to go to counseling. Somehow I'm going to GAL. Not just for my DD, but for me! I need help being strong.

To answer the questions - No, he's not asking to see our DD more than I allow. He has asked to keep her overnight, but I try not to encourage that. I explained why above.

I haven't done much to GAL. Not sure where to start, but I've got to do something. I bought a bike recently - that's a small start, because I do like to ride. And I did buy some new clothes for ME. I know these are small things - but I'm trying.

I've fallen back from all of my 180s - time to start again. Things like - stopping the unnecessary communication with him, stop the questions about our future, stop attending family events together, making plans and being a little secretive about them and so on. And STOP THE SNOOPING. Although I want to know what he's doing - it just ends up hurting me. In my mind, I have to pretend that we are divorced and try to live my life without him. IDK any other way to detach.

I hope I feel better in the morning and can be strong.

[bluerain]

Hi Courtney!

I found that when I made the real decision to stop checking up on him, I felt so much better. I didnt have to sit with my heart pounding while his myspace page loaded, just to show me something that would make me cry so hard that I would get a headache anymore! My friends would try to give me "updates" and I would tell them that I didnt check his myspace anymore.

The snooping is just torture for you. Its not really doing anything but hurting you. Some people advocate collecting evidence for court, but I think that you really have to be strong for that. I didnt want or need to collect evidence like that. So Im glad that you have made that choice. And really, he knows how you feel, so you dont need to keep telling him, and who knows, maybe by the time this is all said and done, you wont even want him anymore!

I think that you will find that the less contact that you have with him, the more good days you will have. When I didnt talk to him, I could be happy and when he would contact me I would have to spend hours, sometimes days recovering!

Is there anything that you have always wanted to learn or hobbies that you wanted to start? Plant a garden, learn to scuba dive or ride a motorcycle, or go back to school? You could start volunteering or join a sports team. There are all kinds of things that you can do, and lots of them are free, or very inexpensive.

[Eskimo Nell]

Courts
I did the nc thing with my hubby for 3 weeks and, whilst it was torture at first, it became easier as the days went by.

H wanted to meet to discuss finances and I put him off ... I knew that once I saw him I would be back to square one, which is where I am right now. Today I feel like ... well, you can imagine what I am feeling like.

Detaching is much less of a trauma than living on the constantly lunging rollercoaster. The longer that you can stay away from your H the better you will feel - and I understand that the more it shakes things up.

Keep reading here ... but don't make it your bible. You have to GAL as well. It's good to find peace and direction here but don't be a slave to it.

You will start to find your own path soon. Keep posting and don't stop ... even when you feel disheartened. That's when you get most from this board, imho.

[courts0818]

Very true, thank you Nell & Bluerain. Before I got out of bed this morning, I reminded myself that I have to do this and I can do it. You both are so right - the snooping is torture. And the daily contact just about rips my heart out. It gets me feeling hopeful and then I just melt in sadness.

I have a question - the next time I do see him, how should I act? I'm asking bc when he mentioned that he had a guy's night last week, I brought it up several times - asked all the who/what/when/where questions. He would not give me a direct answer, but chose to say, "probably doing _____, probably staying ______. He acted like he was staying at a friend's house (a guy he went to high school with). But, I found the hotel reservation and I know he was lying. Like I said above, I started stalking. I called the front desk before he arrived and I asked them to give him a message to call his wife as soon as he checked in. I did that bc yesterday I wanted him to know that I knew he was lying. And I wanted the message said in front on whoever he checked in with. So then last night, I sent a text saying, "Did the front desk give you my message?" That's when I got a text back that I do not believe was from him. Totally not something he would say. I wanted so bad to fire back something really mean, but I didn't. Instead, I ignored it, came into our guest bedroom where he still has a bunch of clothes and I packed all of his clothes in garbage bags and put them in the garage. I have not contacted him since that text last night and I don't plan to. I want to do things that REALLY surprise him - like putting his clothes out there. Not to start a fight, but for him to get the point that I'm no longer playing his games. So, how should I act when I see him? Do I just ignore his hotel stay? And what else can I do to really surprise him? I need ideas.

And I'm going to think about what I can to do to GAL. I'm really into pictures of my DD so maybe I'll start something new with that. I already volunteer at church - volunteered last night in fact. : ) And I used to coach cheerleading - maybe I can get a iittle more involved with that. It's time for this to be about me. Not him.

[Buttercup37]

Sounds like you know what things to do that will start helping you keep busy. I also do not attempt to check my H's phone or computer and I unfriended him on Facebook to take away my temptation to look at his updates. H is still living here for the moment so I do have to txt with him and interact often about the kids, dinner, etc. It was confusing how to act at first but am getting the hang of being light, not asking personal questions, putting on a happy face but removing myself from the room or house if I'm feeling down. For txt I use it only if absolutely necessary and keep it to the point, brief,& appreciative if he offers or agrees to do something.

Pretend that this man is someone you've only gone out on one or two dates with...would you need to know his every movement or actions? Would you try to be light, subtly flirty, look your best, and positive around him? I know it is very unfair but basically our marriages are back to square one...through mistakes we made and mistakes he made....you can't change him but you can take a look at yourself and start being the person you want to be.

And I agree....it's time for this to be about YOU!