This has been a rough year for my family. I believe some of the external events that happened this year pushed H into early mlc. He'd been distant for some time but I finally straight out asked him one night if he loved me and he said No, that he wanted a seperation. He wouldn't go to MC and that he just wanted to "move on". He also said there was no OW at this time. (I do not know if this is totally true or not but nothing I can control so trying not to worry about it.) We have 2 young children but could tell right away that "try for the children" suggestion held no power at all over his decision.
This whole thing was a shock to me. I decided that no matter what I was not going to deal with this with begging, pleading, guilt or anger. I wanted to figure out what was going on and obviously my part in it. Luckily finding DB and Light his fire showed me how the marriage that I thought was just going through a tough time had actually been in danger of serious trouble for ages!
So now I am making all the changes that I need to make - looking at H's small compliants from the past and doing the opposite (180s). Treating him with tons more appreciation for the little nice things he does and despite our tough situation treating him with respect. Letting the little stuff roll off my back. Not talking about the relationship unless he brings it up. etc, etc....
H has been in a much better mood. We are communicating more & better than we have in years. He's cutting down a little on the time he spends on his computer. He's being more & more considerate. He has not moved out yet or said anything about doing so...and he hasn't moved into the spare bedroom yet. We are far from out of "trouble" but I am appreciative of every small positive little change in our relatinoship that I am seeing. I know that I still have so much to learn about marriage and men....I only hope that it is not too late for me in this marriage! Time will tell.
that was one of the issues me and my wife had for awhile i was a dumb ass. once i started to see her and my kids doing more together and her acting like she didnt care like looking for apt.s i started to worry she was over it to. it made me think had i realized one day at work i was being a dumbass. i let work and worked it out with her.
sounds like he just needs sometime. from a guys point
thanks again for the help earlier
me 27 w 26 d7 s5 t17 m7 moved to tx from va 02/25/09 sold home in va and moved 03/23/09 bomb 04/16/09 w&kids in va me in tx working
Thanks guys for the welcome! So last night H comes home from work. I meet him at the door and offer to take the coffee cup & can in his hands to put in the kitchen. (One of my changes is making sure he's greeted and noticed when he gets home by me & the girls.) He changes and comes down mentioning he's leaving to go out with the guys. I had thought it was Saturday night so I was surprised. He started to get defensive but I didn't rise to his bait. So here I am on the first night of the New Year - going to spend it alone with the kids. (H had forgotten it was a holiday and looked surprised when the kids told him.) So I check the computer and find a local place of worship with services and quickly get the kids ready to go. We leave the house at the same time as him. (That felt really good to not be left behind!)
Tonight the kids are spending the night at a relative's house and H had announced out of the blue last night before he left that he has plans to go out with another friend of his. I was very hurt about his sudden, selfish announcement (very mlc-though from what I've heard...very don't-even-think-I-am-going-to-spend-the-evening-alone-with-you! attitude) but I said nothing. No rising to the bait.
This morning H is still sleeping. I'm getting ready to take the kids out for the day. Tonight I might meet a new friend and do something - if that doesn't work out then I'm still going to go out alone...maybe movie - pretty much do whatever I feel like that will keep me out of the house as late as possible tonight! I do see that for me if I need to keep up the detachment thing, I am going to need to find more friends to go out with and find a few new hobbies that keep me out of the house (Most of my hobbies are in-house ones right now.)
I don't think H has an official OW but I suspect highly that he's been chatting, emailing, flirting, and being "open to possibilities" when he goes out with his friends. If I do nothing about this then I'll be angry and sabotage some of my positive behaviors...so I've decided to sign up to a dating website - maybe I can find a separated man with a WAW who just wants to see a movie once in awhile and talk about their WAW. I believe at this point that H is convinced that I am such an awful wife that no other man could possibly find me attractive since he doesn't seem to right now.
Well looking at the dating website certainly taught me one great lesson.... no guys on there as sexy as my husband for sure! Other than that it really was more an act of rebellion on my part. Silly...maybe a 180 idea that was a bust.
H was really nice yesterday evening before going out. We ate take out and watched a tv show we both like. I was planning on just seeing a movie after he went out but got a last minute call from new girlfriends to meet them out. So quickly did my best to look nightclub "hot" and ended up leaving before H. He didn't ask where I was going but look surprised/confused. I gave him a sincere hug before I left and told him to say "hi" to his friend that he was going out with. It wasn't at all planned this way but suppose me going out certainly looked mysterious. I didn't really end up staying out too late but it certainly was nice to get out of the house and an interesting evening. H came home late but not early morning late.
I don't really want to start getting into a full party mode though...so I really do need to think about a new hobby to keep me busy - might take a dance class next week and been considering volunteering to learn to give tours of one of the landmarks in our town.
Oh well done Buttercup - sounds like a good spur of the moment mystery trip out will have shocked your H!!
I know what you are saying about not getting in to the 'party' mode - I feel much the same. Get together with your girlfriends and make some plans ... out is out, whichever way you look at it.
Haven't read through your situation yet but will do so in the week - just getting ready for work and then two nights out for Nell so it's gonna be short on time (pity my H ain't here to see that, isn't it?)!!
Will call in again soon but for now, keep up the mystery and GAL'ing!!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Thanks Nell! I don't know but I've heard stories that make it sound like even if H is not around to see...somehow the positive steps you are making still will have some affect on them. (The interconnectedness of all life or something?)
So yesterday was a surprising day. H was going to pick up the kid's from his parent's house and asked me before he left if I minded that he take the kids for an activity that he always wished he'd done with his father when he was a kid. Of course I didn't mind. I was privately a little surprised in a good way at his initiative in doing something with the kids...he hasn't done a lot of this in the past.
I used the time to take a really nice long walk. When I got home they still weren't home but when the car finally pulled up I opened the door and on spur of the moment decided to actually go outside to greet him and the kids. Something I have not done in a long time I realized.
I can't say for certain but I think the greeting might have set off more chain of goodwill that lead to a very nice evening together. H washed some clothes and actually put some of mine in the basket! (Source of past friction that he often was only washing his own clothes.) When he remembered it was a game night, I turned on the game for him with no complaint and watched part of the game with him(Source of past friction that I would complain about him watching sports.) Later after I put the kids to bed he sat on the same couch and we watched a movie together - no computer on his lap!!!! (Years ago he started spending almost all of his evenings on his computer.)
I think I'm starting to believe that how you say hello and good-bye to your H is really very, very important!
The MLC stuff can be SO frustrating. (hence the Ups & Downs name for my thread)
So what's the rest of your story? How old are you and H? How long married? When did all of this start?
Has H given you any indications as to what his issues are? Does he feel smothered? Neglected? Missed out on something?
One thing I can tell you is be prepared for this to take a while. Patience is huge here.
I'm impressed that you didn't go into the begging, pleading, pursuing stuff that most of us fell into in the beginning. You really seem to have a handle on things. Good for you!
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
