Article: Is physical or emotional cheating worse?

[Yoyowife]

This article was on MSN homepage today.

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/h...2&GT1=32023

[sandycay]

Ouch is all I can say since my H's was emotional followed up with Physical.

[Yoyowife]

I believe that emotional affairs are the most destructive. Your spouse becomes addicted to the affair partner. It hurts to know that the person you trust most in the world is sharing your "shortcomings" with another. My marriage did not survive the emotional affair that became physical.

The article is correct when it states that at least one person is going to get hurt and often many others. It hurt me, our children, extended family, as well as our friends. An affair equals destruction any way you look at it.

[kat727]

I agree that the emotional is worse. Though yes it does usually end up with a physical affair. Strange I couldn't tell when he was emotionally attached to the OW but when he had actually slept with her...I could sense it. Not fun.

[saffie]

Hmmmmm....I don't know. I think that a guy often thinks he is emotionally involved with an OP once he has consumated the R. I think the things are closely intertwined, whereas with a woman, often the EA has happened first; which is perhaps why it is harder to make a woman change her mind once she has committed to an A.

My H thought he was 'in love' with the OW until we sorted things out. A year after reconciliation he told me that he had been 'in lust' with her, not love, and for the life of him he couldn't now see why. It was a huge learning curve for him.

Whichever type of A it is, the fallout is just so blinking painful, and one pays the price for a long time; especially if there are children. Also the ripple effects are felt in the interaction of the extended family. Although my H and I are a solid item again some of my extended familial R's have never recovered and I have no urge to rebuild them

[dday101798]

Very interesting article. I can definately say from the male perspective, a PA is the killer. EA, that can be dealt with, hell, I go out on a limb and say that most of us guys don't look too far into a EA because we see how women get googley eyed at what an actor does in a soap or film, the "oh, that's so sweet, I love him" kind of stuff. But the PA, yeah, I think the article is spot on and that's when we revert back to our neandertholic roots as the article puts it.

[BeginningAgain]

My W's affair was a PA and then also became an EA - she fell in love with the guy. To me it was like being knocked out and then kicked for good measure when I was down on the ground. It still hurts...

S4H

[BrokenTrust]

My thoughts... I have had people cheat with PA and EA... when it is a PA you feel like you can 'fight back' by doing the things that make you look your best and making them miss what they had. With a PA it can be just physical (not that it does not rip you apart) and involved the body and not the mind.

When it comes to an EA you are devestated, because once emotions are involved it does not matter if you look the sexiest you have in your life, it is not the obdy but the mind and heart that are involved.

It is so much easier to turn a head then turn a heart.

If a PA goes EA or a EA goes PA the battle has just doubled... it does not mean that you can't win the war against divorce (and yes, it is a war) but you will lose some battles and need to occasionally retreat to treat your wounds and regroup.

When it comes down to it... no matter what A it is you are going to be in pain... what you do next is up to you.

[theoden]

Yoyo,

I think on this site EA refers to an emotional connection to someone else which has not yet been sexually consumated. It's still an affair.

A PA refers to out spouses having had s sexual relationship with someone outside the marriage. It's still an affair.

In most cases it starts as an EA and then moves on to PA. I think most PA's are also EA's.

I'm pretty sure one leads to the other.

For a long time I though my wife was in an EA -- sans sex. Then it turns out it was a PA. I was hurt by that knowledge. Increasing degrees of pain.

It all sucks.

I think crossing the line to sex is really pivotal.

--Theoden

[Kalni]

I recently confirmed with a harsh way my stbxH had a full blown affair with the OW I suspected. I got to read 1000 emails she had sent him over a three year period (first year while we were together and the rest 2 while separated which I honestly dont consider cheating). What hurt me the most, where the emails were she was giving him advice on issues related to work, our kids, his friends and of course the ones they were planning their future together...

Weirdly, although she had written emails describing -in detail- their sexual encounters (some), those were not as bad for me. I seem to have forgotten them already. The fact that that woman KNEW my H's anxieties and worries and issues while I was completely shut out of his life, was what hurt the most.

A PA, especially like a one stand thing, or a 3 month fling, would be much easier to get over, the fact that this woman had/is an addiction to him, he needed her in his life, sucked...

stbxH today, asked me for an honest try to reconcile. My biggest fear would not be that they meet for sex again, it is that they will be missing each other as friends, as humans, as partners in life...
K