Question

[awest1217]

My story is in the For Newcomers under "need support" for those of you who would like to know the background before answering. This morning I found out one of my coworkers passed aways unexpectedly. This is the fourth unexpected death that is close to me in 1.5 years, and my father also passed away at a young age unexpectedly when I was 9.

After this, I e-mailed my H because after 5 months of separation and really no improvement, honestly no change at all, I just told him "life is too short" and we need to stop this cycle because we never know when it could be us. H could have a possible brain bleed which I found out about 2 weekends ago. He goes to the doctor this Thursday.

I just don't know if I did the right thing here? I know I was thinking with emotions instead of my mind, which is a no, no, but I never said he was wrong for leaving or anything. I just said it was time to move on and take steps in some direction. I started reading DR the end of August, and started really putting the principles into action two weeks ago. I have not been saying I love you or pursuing him at all. I am kind to him when he calls and am as upbeat as possible being that sometimes I am tired. I am also looking for small baby steps.
He has bought me a card and gift for no other reason but to say he was thinking about me, and last Tuesday called me to take me and S out to eatm, which was a first. In between he never calls, I feel like he just comes twice a week to get his father fix and just moves on.

I just want to know what other people think about me e-mailing. Should I have stuck to the no contact? or just acted like I wasn't thinking about this?

[BeginningAgain]

Well if you are truly ready to move on either one way or another, then no I don't think you were wrong to send the email. Everyone has their own pace of how long they will tolerate a status of limbo. Five months without any movement may be fine for some people, and intolerable for others. I think you need to stop and think what is it that you really want.

S4H

[Stronger]

I agree. If you really felt that way then no, you did the right thing. If you were just trying to scare him into thinking you quit, might back fire.

[awest1217]

Well, last night H, S and I hung out with the in laws. It was a really good time until I said something about having a long week next week. H was interested and I just said it will be busy. He kept pressing and I just left it along which made him mad and we got into a small fight, but no yelling just more a heated disagreement.

I called him right away to say I was sorry because I did not want to talk about us, and he said he appreciated that. Later we had a great conversation about our relationship and what things were going well right now and what things were not. Later he text me and said that he wanted us to work and would like to talk once every couple of weeks about what is going well and what has bothered each of us. I know not to get too excited, but it is a pretty large step.

Now tonight I was thinking. I have not been telling H I love you for about three weeks now, and at first it was hard, but now it really does not bother me. It actually worries me how much I don't even feel like saying it. Is this normal? Or is this the point of stopping to saying I love you? That it makes you realize how important it is to a marriage to say I love you or else you can easily "fall out of love". I know I still love my husband. It just bugs me how easy it is for me to not say I love you.

Might I just be so tired of fighting for a relationship that I am relieved to not be the one pursuing anymore?

[LolaL]

I am sorry to hear about the death of your co worker, but can also understand exactly where you are. My brother passed away in April, and that was it for me too. Life is too short.

However, it seems like there is some positive that is coming out of this for you. Don't get overly excited, and raise your expectations. Just take it for what it is.

I have not told my stbx that I love him in a long time. As a matter of fact, I have spoken to him once in the past six months, and I am okay with that. Doesn't mean I don't still love him, because I do. I have just accepted I always will, and although I don't think we will get through this, I am okay with that too.

Saying I love you is just a bunch of pretty words. Showing it is an entirely different story. I am not talking with hugs and kisses, and stuff like that. Sometimes the greatest gift of love is letting a person go just to find themselves, so that they can potentially return.

[awest1217]

thank you for the thoughts! I really can relate to what you are saying. It really helps to know.

[awest1217]

I think I am going to be done. H only contacts me on days he wants to come over because he wants to see S, but he never calls in between and he never helps out financially at all the whole time he has been gone. I am just so sick of his irresponsible behavior. He said he wanted to work on things with us, but how can we work if he never talks to me, and talks to OW every night. UGH!d

[LolaL]

Awest...that is a choice only you can make. Let me just offer some words of wisdom: if you are done, then you are done. Make sure, be sure, and use the 48 hour rule...don't say or do anything for 48 hours. If at the end of that time you are still unsure, then continue it.

For many, there does come a point in time when we have just had enough. This roller coaster is exhausting, and although some brave souls have chosen to stay on it, some others have just decided that life is too short and they decide that in the end, they have done all they can. Make sure that within yourself you are satisfied that you have done all you can before you take the next step. If you don't, you may end up regretting it.

[Stronger]

You can end it now if you want to. I think the DB coaches would recommend you wait until the OW is out of the picture and sooner than later, statistically speaking she will be. I think I’ve heard and read on here 10 months is the norm for an OP on average.
What does your gut say? Do you think you are in a position to tell him “I will not share you with anyone in anyway? I understand you say this other person is simply a friend, and that may be true. But from my perspective you are at least confiding in another woman things you should be sharing with me, your wife. I can’t accept that.”
For me I did eventually have that conversation with my H. But there was a time early on in all of this that if I had said that he would have said “OK, bye bye.” Timing is a very important issue here. It goes right with patience.

[awest1217]

I have had that conversation with my H, and this is an ongoing problem. Even while dating, about every 3 years H would have OW he would become emotionally attached to. H always says they are just friends, but then they are saying things to each other on the phone and internet that definitely show there is more; I love you, sexual inuendoes, or other sexual references. H has been gone for 5 months living for a month with OW and her husband and for the past for in a house where he has no rent and pretty much no expenses at all. I know I am not ready to file because I do want to make sure I have no regrets and want to give DBing a chance to work.

I mostly just needed to vent so I didn't vent if H calls tonight, which he probably will since he only calls Tues and Fri to see S and myself. Sometimes I think he just does this to see S and also to make sure I am still "in". He always says "don't give up on me". I am really trying not to, which is why I needed to vent, but at the same time, I need to have a reason to not give up and continually knowing he is with the OW even now "just as friends", although more than that before, is hard.

I am really trying to show H I am changing by not bringing it up, although he was seen with OW by my sister on Saturday when he specifically told me they would not be together. I want to show that I love him enough to put this behind us, whenever he is ready to do the same thing.

Thanks for letting me vent!