need support

[awest1217]

I am a 27 year old wife with a 2 year old son. My husband and I dated for 6 years through high school and college before getting married in 2005. Throughout the courtship there have always been problems with other girls. He always became emotionally attached to another girl about every 2-3 years and then I would find out and tell him we can break up so he could see if this would pan out. He always said no and we could continue on.

March 2009 is when I found out that he was having feelings again for a coworker. He then began to blame me for it and said how I had become distant and critical since the birth of our son...I completely agree with this. I then found out he was meeting her after work at her house and one day caught him lying to me. He left for a few days and came back. He officially moved out April 26, 2009 and moved in to her house with her husband. We did not talk much of May until his parents got him a house to live in for free. (It is a house of a family friend that is trying to sell it.) He liked the idea because then he didn't have to sign a lease so if he wanted to come home he could without penalty.

Through the separation he almost lost his job because of the relationship and blamed me, and other things. May 23, 2009 is when he moved into this other house. She then moved in with him for a while (although he still does not admit it) because her and her husband are having problems.

Being a teacher I have summers off and was hoping we could work on things to make have a solution by the end of the summer. We talked a lot and hung out, but with no change. HE still was "not attracted to me anymore" and "wasn't in love with me and never thought he was". Anyway finally once school started again I became desperate because I did not want things to be the same as school had ended last year. I got Divorce Remedy from the library, and have found it very helpful. I started applying the Last Resort Technique 1.5 weeks ago, but I am still feeling like I have already tried this over the summer months and he just never wants to come home, although he says he knows he should and ultimately will. Since last week I have not talked about our relationship, made future plans without him involved, and stopped saying I love you. There have been some small signs of love, but when we are together he talks about the OP and what they have been doign together. He has said if he comes home he still wants to be her friend so I am trying to deal with him talking about her since he does everything with her.

I just need some support to continue on because I feel at times it is a lost cause. I am frustrated because he keeps telling me to "not give up" on him, but then he spends all of his free time with OP and on top of that he is spending all of his money going out of town with her on the weekends, and is not giving me any money to help support our son. Lastly, my son, although 2, is taking this really hard lately. At the beginning it didn't bother him too much, but now I think he is hitting a stage where he wants to bond with a male so when my husband is around he loves it, but every time he leaves my son cries and will NOT sleep in his own bed (daddy always left at night after he was asleep)

I know I need to keep changing for myself and my son(I am going to a therapist too starting the same time I found the book), but it is so hard when we are so connected through my son and every time my husband sees him, they have fun, but I am the one who then has to pick up the broken pieces and I am the one finacially supporting. I am frustrated and confused...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Awest,

Why do you want to stay with a man who cheats on you every 2-3 years, lies about it, and is generally a poor role model to your son?

Rather than focus on DBing, I would suggest getting some good individual counseling for yourself, to try to get to the core of why you are willing to keep settling for so little. I think there are probably some severe self-esteem or other issues there, and maybe if you can work on them FIRST, you can then present a more attractive option for your husband (altho why you'd want him back is beyond me).

Sorry to be so blunt, but that's my opinion.

Puppy

[Stronger]

Here here Puppy.

I can attest to how great PC can be. It's beyond insightful and helpful.

If you don't like your counselor, don't quit, get a new one.

Concentrate on you for now and S. I'm not sure what to tell you about OP right now, because I do think the IC will be the first step for you.

[texasbobby]

me and my wife went through something simalar a few tears ago. i thought i was missing out on life with all responsiblities of being a new father. i started flirting with another woman. that lasted a few months before i started to relize what i had at home. patience is the key.

when my wife stopped caring about the other girl i saw her as a completely different person and our marriage got better for the next five years.

stay strong. goodluck

[awest1217]

thank you for the advice. I am not ever bringing up the other person, he does, I just listen and ask about things he did and they are with her. I agree with the getting counseling. I am seeing someone now, and have just laid down the ground work so next week I get to more. I know there are other issues stemming from my childhood (father abused mother sexually and physically then step-father abused mother emotionally). I was never abused, but because of seeing what a broken home does to the children (my step sibs) I don't want my son to have deal with it. My father passed away so I understand the difficulties of bringing two families together.

I am completely dedicated to my family, but I know that at some point he does have to change. I guess I don't know if I am taking too much of this idea to heart. I know that one person can change a relationship, but at some point the other spouse has to be willing to change too...right? I just don't know when enough is enough. I am trying to stay strong and stick with the strategy to see if it works.

Thanks!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Well, for starters, I think you need to IMMEDIATELY nix him talking about OW to you. You need to tell him that you find it disrespectful, and that he's an adult and you can't control him, but that you will NOT sit and listen to stories about him and his girlfriend (and call her that).

I think that would be an important first step, and a strong boundary, that you could feel very good about enforcing, and it would give you added strength.

Puppy

[Stronger]

Here here Puppy

[awest1217]

I guess the hard thing I am dealing with is the fact that one of the reasons he said he left is because I am too controlling. He said that I made him get married and it was my decision to buy the house we are in. I don't want to say he can't do something and just push him away more. I am trying to listen and let it go right now (detach) until he realizes that it needs to end. He just keeps saying he just wants to be her friend and her husband is fine with everything so why does it bother me (of course the OW hasn't left her husband).

I am just trying to keep to being detached, living my life, and working on making me happy. I just realized today that I need to figure out who I want to be and if H does not like it then he does not like it and I can just be happy with the fact that I am me, and I tried everything to keep my marriage together.

I want to have a great marriage and know that we can have a great marriage if I can just stick it out and be patient (my weakest quality). I just have to stick to not pursuing H and moving on in case it does not come out great.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I guess the hard thing I am dealing with is the fact that one of the reasons he said he left is because I am too controlling.

Sorry, but this is bull$hit wayward script. It basically translates into "I resent that you don't allow me to have my affair, unencumbered." Were there any complaints about you being too "controlling" before he got involved with this OW??

Now, the most important thing:

I don't want to say he can't do something and just push him away more.

Boundaries are not about telling others what THEY can (or can't) do. They are about YOU, and what YOU are willing to (or are NOT willing to) put up with.

"I cannot stay in a marriage with a husband who is unfaithful to me" is NOT controlling. It is a boundary of personal integrity.

BIG difference.

Puppy

[awest1217]

For the most part, we just don't talk. We see each other maybe twice a week. H has a degree is psychology and said if he was a therapist he would say the same thing mine did and that is No contact with the OW period. I completely agree with this, but I want him to at least come home first. Then like the book says just let him let her go on his own.

The controlling thing was a problem before the marriage, and even our pastor said that I needed to stop being so controlling. I just didn't realize it was that bad until now because H never expressed his concerns.

I know H and I have a lot to work on, but when we have our good points they are really great, but I agree that I need to stand up for myself and say enough is enough because although he has only done this to me once in our marrage, the other women thing has been a constant problem through dating. I told my therapist that is why I was going to counseling. To save my marriage and to learn to set boundaries and stick with the consequences. One affair can work through if both parties want to, but a second or more, a lot harder and maybe impossible.

I just need to know I have done everything to keep this together because my biggest problem with myself is I hate to fail, and watching my marriage end without doing everything I can makes me feel like a failure and I HATE failing.