? for people who have gone to Retrouvaille

[Trixi]

First off-my apologies that I am posting this in more than one forum-- I want to be sure that as many people as possible see the question. Thanks

I have a question for anyone that has attended Retrouvaille-

I was talking to Sara last night and she mentioned something about 'fair fighting' and getting over past hurts being a big focus at retro.

My H and I don't really argue like that. He doesn't really throw anything in my face or vice versa. The only thing we "fight" about is how to move forward (divorce or reconcile..or keep doing limbo). The only time the disappointment and past hurts comes up is when I am trying to figure out why we can't move forward.

My parents say terrible things to each other and both of them don't want to change (do the right thing) until the other one does it first. Retro would probably be good for a couple like that.

But my H and I don't say awful things to each other. H is afraid that if we move back in together and he risks his heart, that he will end up being disappointed again. Is Retro going to help us have clarity or will it just be a disappointment because it's not addressing the right issue?

[Sara]

Trixi,

I sent you an email on FB. My advice, for what it's worth, is you won't know unless you try. It is not a panacea. But it has a very good success rate. Will it work for you? Not if you don't go.

[Deep]

Just because you don't say awful things to each other doesn't necessarily mean you don't feel awful things about each other.

Avoiding issues and having bad communications in a M is obviously damaging. Retro can give you some tools to help address that.

That's part of what it did for me. It helped us talk more openly and with less fear, even if it might have felt easier not saying some of the things said. And yups, your post did bring back memories of "fighting fair". I said some things in a way that conveyed what I had to get out, but hurting my W less than it might have had I guess.

Retro is not a magic bullet and rather than saying whether it addresses the right issues or not, I'll venture to say it helps you address issues.

Our CORE sessions are important to us in our continuing journey of healing now. My M did not begin healing just because I attended retro, but I'm not at all sure we'll be where we are now if we did not attend.

[Trixi]

I got a text message earlier from him saying
"I'm really struggling with this. I had some plans for the weekend and we can't jam tonight, so I am leaning towards no"

I wrote back and said "Hmmm.... I guess I'm not sure how missing a jam session and changing some plans is going to have the same impact on your future as possibly getting come clarity by going to something that won't be back for 6 months"

He hasn't responded back. That was over an hour ago. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Maybe I should have just said "Thanks- you just gave me the clarity I needed". But I thought that since he was "struggling" and "leaning" that I should give it one last shot.

so bummed. so so bummed.

[Lostforwords]

“It is still not enough for language to have clarity and content... it must also have a goal and an imperative. Otherwise from language we descend to chatter, from chatter to babble and from babble to confusion.” What is your goal and imperative? What are his goals and imperatives? If they aren't in some fashion aligned...then in that you find your answer. Don't be bummed...consider his answer the beginning of a new path for you with clarity provided by his answer!

[Sara]

Saying a prayer for you.

[june72]

Does retro address communication when one partner has anxiety issues?
For example, our marriage counselor would explain our communication as I just want to discuss something and my emotions would be at a level 2 but it would get my hubby very anxious and his level would immediately just to a level 10. Level's being emotional upset. Things would deteriorate.
I mean I fell like we fall into a different category. I know that my wanting to talk about something is me "trying to start something" in his mind.
I really feel at this point that I can not openly discuss some things with my hubby. I, at this point, try to not say what I feel b/c past experience has shown negative results.

[Sara]

Retrouvaille is not counseling. You and your husband talk alone in your room. The group leaders tell the stories of their marriages and the struggles they went through. Then they pose a question for the participants to answer by writing in notebooks. You and your husband are given rules for writing so that the product is not insulting to the other person. You both write in your notebooks about your feelings. Then you meet in your room and exchange notebooks and discuss what you wrote. The discussions are structured by the instructions given, but there is no moderator between you. You talk privately.

[Trixi]

Well, he won't go to the retro this weekend.
He didn't like feeling like it was 'sprung' on him.

I talked with one of the local retro people and she suggested that we could go to the Portland one in October if the timing for this one really was the problem for my H.

He was also miffed because I brought up the house issue. He thought that we had decided that I would buy the house regardless because it would be a good investment.

He doesn't feel mentally prepared and figures it would do no good for him to go when he isn't in the right frame of mind.

I asked him if he would have agreed to go with 3 weeks notice and he said yes. So, then I suggested the one in mid-october in Portland and he agreed to go.

This should be interesting to see if he actually follows thru.

I'm disappointed, but I can understand that he feels like it was sprung on him. And he did immediately agree to go to the one in October....

[limbo]

Trixi,

I am sorry that you H wount attend yet, but I would keep it in the picture.
Sara is your best guide for Retro, and has wonderful advice.
I attended with my H, and it really does help to give you tools on how to communicate well, and it removes the fear because you know it does leave room to hurt each other.
If you can get you H to go it will be a wonderful help.
I hope that you can get there.

Take care and take care of yourself.