6000 miles away but finaly i see DBing sucess

[JWS123]

I need help/advice to get back into this and not blow things. Here is the quick background info. My wife/college/high school sweetheart and I were married for 4 years and together for 12. we had our share of problems the last two years but no looking back on things I see it more for what it really was. She was confused about her life and searching for something that she did not even know. She told me that she was leaving on an Wednesday and by Thursday afternoon she was gone. I found DB and got to work. At times things were very bleak and never seemed to get better. We lived in different states for 9 months then she ended up in law school. After about a year of living apart and things going now where despite my best DBing efforts, I was moved out of the country for work. We decided to divorce at that time then make our situation messier by stressing it across the world.

We did not speak for about 3 months but kept tabs on each other. Then we started to talk very briefly. Short 5 min phone calls here and there and emails. Most of the time it was how’s school doing and how’s work going. She also asked advice and help about money issues since I used to cover that. Sometimes I helped out sometimes I just offer an ear to listen. this went on for a few more moths. Then this weekend I returned to the states to visit my folks.

We talked a bit and each time she expressed interested in more talking. Then the night before I left I called her and we talked for almost 3 hours. That’s more then our entire last years worth of talking. And it was great, lots of teasing and joking back and forth, catching up about friends, and life.

She somehow knew that I had dated a bit but I told her it did not work out and we talked a bit about that. Really I was trying to cover up the pain and that no matter what no one could be her and you cant change who you love even when you are trying too. She seemed really happy to hear this.

The situation felt right so I told her “I know we don’t have serious talks these days, but I want you to know that I have gotten myself to a place where I am truly happy with myself and comfortable with my life enough so that I feel I can wait as long as you need because I am still completely in love with you” she cried said thanks and that she was still in love with me as well.

We then talked a while longer, and even toyed with a tenitive trip when I come home for Christmas so we can spend time with each other without our families around, then go our separate ways for Christmas. Then we started to talk about the time zone differences between us and she wanted me to know the good times to call her and wanted us to talk on a much more regular basis. Then asked me to call her and let her know when I got home safly.

The next day on a lay over in between my flights I sent a text “I enjoy our conversation thanks and look forward to more” instead of a return text she called. She said she wanted to chat more but did not know my flight info so she was glad I texted. We talked another 15 mins before I had to go. We ended with more I love yous.

Now I am home 6000 miles and 16 hours apart. I am so happy, yet very cautious and scared. I want to say that it seemed like the first step towards piecing or more but am afraid that even speaking that out loud could jinks it. I don’t want to come on to strong or any craziness like that. I have not thought about DBing in almost a year, I have just been living my life and getting by. I am also nervous that I have built walls in my heart and head to get buy and is this going to tear them down. When my phone rings I never wonder if that’s her because I know it would not be, is that going to change and throw my world off.

I know this is good but don’t want to make to much of it. She has another two years of school and I have two years over here. So at best we are can get back some sort of a relationship while we both focus our efforts on professions, but we also talked about where she would try to settle and the fact that I can go back to those cities as well.

Yikes that was long thanks for reading. This site gave me back my own life and showed me how to survive now maybe it can help me to achieve what I set out to almost two years ago.

[Sara]

Sounds like you have both matured quite a bit. With the distance, you two will be able to take it slowly in getting back together. I think you will do fine.

[lodo]

hey JWS,

congrats on the positives. Something similar happened to me awhile ago with my (now) XW. Once the glacier started to calve, things took on a whole new momentum/reality. My best advice is to take things slowly, keep things in perspective, and don't reason away anything. If you have a chance at getting back together, it's going to take figuring out where you went wrong before and not letting the past poison the future. This isn't an easy task at all, which is why most people end up starting fresh with someone new.

But if you approach things reasonably, I think it can be even better. My mistake was to assume everything was okay once we started talking again. I didn't learn from the past and never analyzed.

So good luck. Like Sara says, you'll do fine. lodo

[JWS123]

I have not updated here in a while but there has been little to update until now. when have continued to talk as friends quite often. a few days ago i came home to visit my family for the holidays. she was also home from school, so i stopped by to see her. it was the first time that we had seen each other in a year and since we had signed papers. the minute i saw her i was instantly flooded with love for her. i was not sure myself what i wanted, but i know now its still her. that was hard on both of us, we did some catching up and had a good time but it did not take long for some teary conversation.

we started with how wired it was to go that long without seeing each other and how much we missed each other. she misses the path she left behind and the idea of having kids and a family but not a R with me. she loves me but not in love with me, wants to be friends and would want to be friends with any woman in my future too. she does not want a R with anyone, because right now is all about her. mostly she knows that she cant be a military wife so she cant be with me. now i am trapped apart from her with little chance to show her i am worth changing her mind. and that things wont be this way for ever.

then she came to a dinner my family was having and fit right back in with all the members of my family as if she never left. yesterday we went skiing just the two of us. that was an amazing time and we both enjoyed it. she keep saying how much she enjoyed my company. the only serious talk we had were things about her school and future but nothing about us and she was very comfortable all day. after skiing we went for a walk and took pictures by the lake. the entire time i am thinking to my self how can she just do all theses great things with me and not feel anything more then friendship. i know i am a hopeless romantic but the entire thing was so special and i have to just be friends.

today i am going to christmas dinner at her moms house. i am very excited to see that half of my family that i have been missing. i was very hesitant to say yes and told her that i did not want to infringe on her time with her family. but she insisted everyone would love to see me and that it was more then alright with her. that will be a little strange because her folks just got divorced after her father cheated, him and i have never really been close and he will be there, so i plan on just avoiding that issue altogether.

on sunday me, my parents, her and her mom are going out to dinner, witch is something we all enjoy. then she goes back to school. i have another week in the states then its back over seas, likely to be another year before i can return. we did talk about her visiting at sometime when it fits into her school schedule, and she was very excited at that thought.

i feel so trapped by the fact that realistically nothing can happen while i am out of the country. i don't think time is on my side, although i want her in my life even if its just as a friend i am so depressed by the fact of being just her friend.

she is still stressed with school to the point that nothing else in her life matters and i am her security blanket, with i am ok with because it is important to me that she achieve something that she feels will complete her no matter what the cost.

i cant believe that it has been two years since she left a year we have been divorced without seeing each other and here i am at 3 in the morning mind a mess trying to calculate ever move. when i am at home and in my new element i do just find but seeing her has thrown me through a loop and i am praying so hard for the impossible to happen. i am not expecting anything soon, but i would love to come home to her in two years.

we have come soooo far from where we were, and i am trying so hard to not over look all the baby steps that she has done and how much better off she is right now, but i feel i am staring at a brick wall that is 6000 miles thick with no chance of getting through.

thanks for reading merry christmas

[JWS123]

Christmas dinner was wonderful and we both had a great time, i thanked her repeatedly for allowing me to be there and I could tell that she wanted me there too. I know she also really enjoyed watching me wrestle with our 4 year old nephew and probable connected to the side of her that always wanted kids with me.

here is a new twist. after finally having an open and honest talk with her mother, she decided to go back to LA and withdraw from school. she is moving home with her mother and will go to school here locally. she will then be around her family and mine, and will be in a more stable environment. i am so happy she has began to talk with her mother and it seems like the ice has really melted in the last few months.

i am sad and fearful that i have to return to Japan for another year. i feel partly like i can keep up my DBing and friends approach from so far away, but being there the first year got me to where i am now so all i can do is hope. i know she has a long road to find her happiness independent of me, and until that is complete its better to have me out of her way.

she still stays that she does not want to be with anyone so i feel a little comfort but have a small irrational fear of some guy sweeping her off her feet and taking her away from me with out me being in the picture, but I am doing fine keeping those fears from really bothering me its just floating around in the back of my head.

I was at a cross roads and ready to walk away and give up. i had DBed and GALed to the point where i found my own life that i really loved and was content to leave the past alone, until i saw her and realized i have never seen a woman more attractive in my eyes and she is everything i want, so just when i thought i was out i am right back in