Grace she filed her taxes and took the deductions got a refund and spent it.
I am getting taxed on the money I made W2,1099 and from the IRA i used to pay off her debt like she asked in August.August I had deposited the money to pay taxes, she spent it,then when she filed I had to use money to pay a retainer,apt,etc.
She doesn't have $13k.
The only way I'm going to be able to pay $26k, is hurry up get this thing finalized which i don't want, and tap my IRA again.
Had we filed jointly it would have saved $6k.
Ah hell it's not the money, it's the fact she said We file, then goes and does it by herself.
Lost the detailing is keeping me busy,but so has some other stuff.
I did text her too much, i have texted her too much.
no i haven't given her much to miss.
my ? and i just backspaced a crap load to just ask this.
if most of any communication with her is positive/supportive other than minor disagreements with a divorce ok?
we all know including her, that i am ok with everything but that.
but i've also acknowledged that we do need to be apart, that i know that i can't give her the space she needs if we were in the same house, but she is welcome here anytime.
i've let her know before and recently that i do want to know her mind, because i do.
she keeps hitting me with that share topic, meaning i didn't share with her, but guys really i'm an open book.
i know it's her that hasn't shared with me and that's why she's so close to neighbor.
she acknowledged she didn't tell me things, because i would fix things and that would only add to her stress when she did share.
so i've made it pretty clear i don't want to fix, i just want to listen.
ah nevermind i'm asking someone to have a crystal ball.
IS THERE REALLY A LAST DITCH EFFORT?
IF THERE IS, I WANT TO START PRACTICING IT BEFORE THIS THING GETS FINAL, i need to know it cold and i need to deliver it calm,cool and confidently.
If there is I want to do deliver it just before her divorce is final.
i did say this and i don't know if you agree, but it is how i feel.
letting go and love are 2 different things, one is a choice the other isn't it.
i've done an ok job letting go in that i don't know what she's doing or who with and i don't ask.
but the love part, it's odd, but that with all the crap she's pulled has not gone away, if anything it's stronger, i know it's because i know what she's going thru and what I'm becoming.
i also made it clear, really she's divorcing a past that no longer exists and a lifestyle that doesn't either.
i pointed out, big difference seeing her friends and going out of town now, i've been here with kids, yes d pulled some stuff, but hey you went and have been and i haven't asked,cared,worried, or wondered when you'd get home, why?
it was a need of hers that i missed or messed up on, she needed her own personal time or space and i let her know, divorce for sure she's going to get it, but also married she's going to get it now too.
married life, yeah i would have cared especially back then, the hrs i worked i crammed when i was home.
that's the crap thing for her and i really she's missing out on the best, nicest, unstressed, not overworked, over compensating ayk ever.
told her that's a regret of mine, that she didn't see it soon enough, but let her know too at anytime and i would have at anytime if she did not support my career back then i would have done something else, but her notes and support kept me at it.
Sweetie, you're spinning. You keep "telling" her things. That doesn't help. I know you know that.
I know yu think you're an open book, but I think a simple question the next time she hits you with the "share" topic might be helpful for you. "When you say I didn't share, what do you mean? What didn't I share that was important to you?" Then, listen. Don't say a word. Make a mental note and DO NOT immediately start trying to fix it. At some point in the future you will find a way to "show" her this skill.
By all menas DO NOT tell her you've stopped fixing things. When the opportunity arises, just listen and don't do anything except commisurate (no, don't even offer suggestions for her to fix it) "Wow, I'm really sorry this happened to you", "that really sux".
Btw, you haven't let go. You may not ask what she's doing and who with, but it still occupies your mind. You're question about the "last ditch effort" makes that apparent.
I don't know of a "last ditch effort" that wouldn't come off as contrived and manipulative. Don't bet with something you can't afford to live without.
I know the panic and attachment, we all do. That feeling like if I don't do something now , it's over this is it and it's my fault.
I wish I knew how to tell you to detach. I wish I could offer you some peace. I don't know how to do that. If you can, take a long walk or try meditating. Whatever works for you to clear your mind.
You know I was spinning, not so much and your right, offering to fix isn't what she wants, they're too strong willed and out to prove you wrong.
I didn't think there was a last ditch effort.
I'm in a good place, listen 95% of this she has known I cared about her, even when she didn't want me to.
I am moving on alittle better everyday, for example no biggie to most but I know I'm in a good place for the first time since you could bite your finger nails, I didn't set out to stop,I'm just not as nervous as I was most of my life.
Anyway I have finger nails,too me, THAT'S HUGE.
I was reading about the doormat, I chose to be a doormat, because that was the right thing for me.
Right up to our day at court, I know every flipping day, I worked at saving this marriage, helping her, protecting the kids.
I'm going to come out of this deal the same way I came into our relationship, broke, basically just the clothes on my back and a good kid, that did the right things.
I've taken on most of the consequences of her actions and you know at times I get ticked, but I chose to do that, it was the right thing to do and it was right for my internal make up.
Ok so far she's spent or cost me over $46,000, I'd lose more, it was only money, not a person, a family or myself.
So anyway, I do have peace most of the time and I do have regret, but like HB has been posting, I did the best I could at the time with what I knew how to do.
Most young couples like what we were wing it and we winged it and did things our way and we did grow apart, we didn't do a good job of living eachothers love languages, ok past that.
I have peace because at every opportunity to let her and kids know, I can and will be there, I have been.
My heart and my mind tell me this is far from over, even with a divorce at some point, she and my daughter, they'll realize, I was their best friend.
Teens they want to mess around and go crazy, but at some point they come back to where it's safe and stable.
I've always been safe and I've had my moments, but for the most part of been stable.
So know with posts you can't really see the person or what we type can't be expressed.
I've grieved, my heart does not hurt like it used to, I only have today and I've gone out of my way to make sure she and kids were comfortable.
I will always have my kids, they are going to know dad has emotions and can be wierd, but that he never gave up or got over.
even on documenting this stuff, sure she'll get her butt handed to her for the stunts, she can't deal with her own emotions so vs letting her turn it on me for "tattletaling" I will defend her to a judge, that hey it's not her fault, I've been pretty clear from the beginning with bleeping everyone, MY FAMILY and this divorce is not a business transaction, we're a broken family, not perfect, but just let us figure it out.
That's how it's always been with her and I since day one, we always figured it out.
I have faith in that, in the mean time, I'm doing what I want to do and I'm going to look at houses in a little bit, and yeah I'll wipe out the rest of the retirement i had to pay taxes, this divorce and a little towards a home.
I may not live to 65 you never know, but for right now NO it isn't the prudent decision and over 30yrs it could be a million dollar mistake.
But I don't like owing anyone and when I tell someone I'm going to do something, it may not be on their time schedule, but I do do it.
I'll worry about 30 yrs from now, 30 yrs from now, but if it becomes final, I'm paying the IRS, I'm paying off the cc's and I'm going to get back to stable.
No I don't always listen and I can be a loose cannon, I know the rules are different with MLC.
I feel good about most of what I have done so far and kicked myself for not listening on others, but see sometimes you have to feel the consequence to learn from it.
This is my core being and has worked real well for me for this.
You can't take from someone, when they are willing to give.
I never got attached to stuff and some stuff I got attached to and never used, I was too sentimental, I didn't want to open a present just keep it boxed up, why, because of the memory of the feeling of receiving that gift.
I'm giving my wife and kids the gift they need, SPACE and love and stability.
They're not taking it, I'M GIVING IT.
I feel good about that.
I also know I'm the right person for my little MLC'er, married or not, why, because I never take things personally for too long and I've always been able to blow off a resentment quickly.
I never held onto anger for very long, a kwik reaction, oh i feel better and move on.
Never held anything against anyone, even my abusive ex stepfather, I took him to dinner, bought him a beer and told him hey, it's ok, you taught me a life lesson, made me a better person, yes ur a jerk, but ur u. And I was over every punch dang near the moment u got done delivering it.
when wife did the same that chuck used to do, it opened pandoras box, for the wkend it bothered me, then all the sudden the hurt was gone.
I'll be allright. and eventually she'll open up and know she can talk to me.
I'm sure she thinks, she's not forgiven, yrs ago a family member pulled a gun on me, in my mind my brother became dead to me.
When all this started everyone my parents,my kids, her, thought I would cut her off just as quick.
My brother knew what he did was wrong, she doesn't it.
I firmly believe I found DR,DB this board for a reason.
Because at first she was just as dead to me as my brother.
This whole deal to date really has softened my heart.
gave wife a bday card and $58 she had complained about $58 bucks for something so gave it to her.
the card, my words, small poem.
To fall into a habit is to begin to cease to be. ~Miguel de Unamuno, The Tragic Sense of Life
Quote:
she hasn't had any consequence of this bs, none.
maybe not seeing me now will help her miss me. who knows.
Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor. ~Dr. Alexis Carrel
Quote:
to use a poker analogy, i'm this committed, i was like oh well, I'm just going to continue to do the right thing.
The "right" thing is only defined by our perspective as is the "wrong" thing....so is the "right" actually "wrong" when the "wrong" could actually be the "right"? -LFW
