Sex Starved Partner

[floridababe]

Hi all,

m-52
SO-55
R-5 yrs
Both D.

We live together for the last 4.5 yrs.

I have been reading some of the posts here and had to write. I am in R now for the last 5 years. In the last 2.5 yrs there has been no ML at all. We use to ML every single night till we moved to another state 3.5 yrs ago. Then it went to twice week, 3 yrs ago and now none for the last 2.5 yrs. There is hugs and kisses but no touching. I have spoken to my SO, that maybe he should go to the dr. He knows of the time frame and says yeah and nothing is done about it. He states everyday that he loves me, and is so busy around the house. He does drink and more so in the last year and half. That I hate to come home at all. Im at a cross roads now and I dont know what to do..He states that he loves me but you know I dont have the same feelings for him anymore like I use too. At first I was blaming myself..I gained a few pounds but so did he. Then maybe cause I was working later and more days but that wasnt it at all. I am at a loss ...do I stay or do I go.
Any help would be so appreciated.

[BrokenTrust]

Floridababe,

I understand your situation, it can be very spirit crushing to go through this.

His drinking might be due to depression... it can be very hard for a man to speak to a Dr about intimate matters, but it may be a hormonal thing such as low testosterone, something that the Dr can do something about. Not only can low testosterone cause low sex drive, but it can also cause depression, tired feelings, aches and pains and a slew of other things that do not help in the sex drive department. Talking to a Dr and having a few simple blood tests can be very freeing to him... it is not admitting he has a problem, it is taking control.

It is also normal to feel resentment and to build walls to 'protect yourself' because you wonder "is it me? what did I do wrong?" and that can lead to doubts about how you feel about the R.

Have you read the first chapter of SSM? You can read it online from this forum... it really pegs how the SS partner feels and gives a wonderful look at the partner's perspective... something that I just recently did myself and it helped me to understand a little more.

I am afraid that I am just starting out on trying to save my R with what I learn here... what I tried to do on my own did not work and I have a long way to go, but there are many here who have managed to tame to SSM beast and I am sure that they will soon post and share their thoughts and suggestions.

Keep up the hope. my situation is a little like yours, but there are also EA issues in mine, but even though I feel hopeless I am not willing to stop fighting for what I know could be.

[garyjlost]

Hi, floridababe.

I strongly suggest you read SEX STARVED MARRIAGE. It will help you to understand how you can communicate with your significant other about this problem. Finding the right words is so very difficult. But SSM provides some strategies. Most importantly it helps you understand what's going on in the mind of the low sexual drive partner. This is crucial if you're going to find the right way to communicate. It's so easy to get defensive in situations like this. Unless you've made a strong effort to understand what's going on in the mind of your SO, you'll have a very difficult time finding the right verbal approach to discussing the situation. Read SSM.

It sounds like your partner has not always had a low sex drive. But then after you moved, the frequency diminished and eventually disappeared altogether? Am I understanding right?

Why the immediate change upon moving? What's different about where you live now? Did you move away from family? Did you move for work? Why did you move? How it this tied to the onset of diminished interest in sex?

Tell us more about your situation. I don't think we really know enough to give you any advice that is worth reading.

[floridababe]

Broken Trust and garyjlost,

Thank you so much for you responses. Broken Trust..I feel for you. MY XH too had a PA which ended our M.So I certainly feel for you.

[ Why the immediate change upon moving? What's different about where you live now? Did you move away from family? Did you move for work? Why did you move? How it this tied to the onset of diminished interest in sex? ]

gary..alittle on my living arrangements. We met each other yrs ago and both where going thru a D. We dated for awhile and became partners, as neither of us wanted to marry again. We took what settlement monies and savings we had invested in a house. I had always wanted to come down south and was going either way. My SO wanted to go too. I moved because of back pain, and Yes we left family up north. He wanted to retire from a company that was changing drastically. Our kids where grown and finally on there own. Sometimes subconsciencely I think he misses his C and GC but doesnt want to go back. I did suggest it, as mine are up north too. I know he is very dissatisfied that I make more $ than he does and have been the main supporter to the household for the last 3.5 yrs. I never threw that up to him...money is money I dont care who puts it in the bank...or who uses it..thats whats it there for..we cant take it with us is my motto....

so anyway thats my history...I do not know why this has happened..Im thinking its depression and he wont say it.

[floridababe]

Brokentrust,

I DBed myself to death...to make me feel better about myself when I found about my XH PA. He moved out and in with his OW but that lasted only 6 mos. But the damage was done. I too thought it was me, but found out and I said it all along that the man was in MLC which he was. Now he has come out of that cloud and is starting to have a R with his children again. Infact we are just communicating now to be friends again. We have 3 C and 4 GC now. So somewhere down the line I am going to meet up with him in a family function. Good luck hon...its a tough road..I know. Thank you for your comments and I will read the SSM.