A quick note... the H just left my room, he was having trouble sleeping and wanted to talk (pinched myself on that one because I had to be dreaming).
He had been thinking alot about things and thinks that it might be his relationship with his parents that have made him feel guilty. His parents opinions have always been very important to him and when we were engaged and moved back into the area his mother first had a talk with him then with me. They are very devout and told him, then me, that the bible states that if a man marries a divorced woman he is committing adultry. Then his church did not allow us to get married there because I was divorced. We were married instead at a quaint little chapel by the ocean and that night... he watched football in the honeymoon suite while I fell asleep waiting for him.
We discussed it and the timing is almost pinpoint to the death of our sex life, when it started to unravel until it finally died.
So... now we know what in his mind started the troubles, but we are confused about how to fix things. We did have a laugh when he said 'sc*ew marriage counseling, I need therapy because my mom got between us in bed!'. Then he got silent and said "I actually do, don't I?'
Hopefully major steps to finding the 'whys'... but what do we do to try to get past it?
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
(okay, not a short note)
M- 11 y H- 40 Me- 41 D (1st M) 19 S (1st M) 17 First EA (w/OOW)discovered 2000 Third EA (w/OOW & phone) discovered 02/06 SSM (total) 3 1/2 years
Go to a Retrouvaille weekend. Check the website www.helpourmarriage.org for locations and dates. You can fix this. People who have done it themselves will show you how. And there is a priest there for those who want to consult privately with him.
Thank you for the link... I am requesting information on it, but I am afraid what we probably will not be able to afford the cost of the weekend and the distance might be a problem. (The closest one I could find was on the other side of the state) I will cross my fingers and hope that the price is something we will be able to handle with a couple of months of scrimping.
M- 11 y H- 40 Me- 41 D (1st M) 19 S (1st M) 17 First EA (w/OOW)discovered 2000 Third EA (w/OOW & phone) discovered 02/06 SSM (total) 3 1/2 years
You said: "I told him about SSM and he says he will read the first chapter and if it makes sense to him he is willing to go through the book with me."
Excellent. This is great news. This is potentially a huge step forward.
You said: "I told him that I was sorry that I had been 'pulling away' when he would try to hold my hand or get close... that it was instinct to protect myself... that I hurt and the first thing that would cross my mind was 'why would he want to touch someone that disgusted him' and I was trying to work on that."
Excellent. It sounds like you made some real progress. I know you feel hurt, but you have to ask yourself what you hope to achieve. And then you must take actions that will allow you to be successful in achieving your goal. If you hope to achieve intimacy with your husband, you won't likely achieve that goal by pulling away from his attempts to hold your hand. I understand the impulse to pull away. He has hurt you deeply. Why should you respond to him with love when he has repeatedly lied? But again, what do you hope to achieve? You have to take actions that increase the chances that you'll reach your goal.
I'm so glad to hear about the results of the discussion with your husband. It sounds like he wants to work toward reconciliation. He needs to understand that you have needs that are going unfulfilled. If he has problems with impotence ... it's not all about having him inside you. There are other ways of satisfying YOUR needs. And he can certainly assist in that regard (tongue, fingers, etc.). If you consider other roles for him to play when you make love, you will remove the burden that he might be feeling. (And this burden would likely affect his performance.)
I don't know your attitude (or your husband's attitude) toward oral sex. You may have already tuned me out ...
You might also want to read PASSIONATE MARRIAGE. It deals with some of these subjects.
You said: "Did I do something stupid by giving an ultimatum or giving him excuses or did I maybe let him see that maybe I am trying to understand his mindset?"
Hard to say for certain, but you know your husband and what he is capable of (both the good and the bad). I suspect you did exactly what is necessary. I suspect you did what was long overdue.
He clearly wants to channel energy toward an emotional connection with ... someone. You BOTH need to figure out how to make that person you. If you can do that, I suspect you will both be happy together.
It sounds like the communication channels are now open. You'll want to talk about your desires and how those desires can be met. And he'll want to talk about his desires.
I'm so glad that you're now talking openly with your husband. Don't allow the discussions to be about assigning blame. The discussions should be about finding solutions.
me: 50 w (waw): 45 daughter: 9 m: 16 t: 19 bomb: 9/26/08 status: physical separation for 7 weeks, then work-in-progress R
My H has never been into oral (he was into taking but never giving in that aspect) and as for any other kind of 'play', he just does not innitiate and I can't handle more rejection... so we are at am impasse.
Last night was a little breakthrough of sorts, he came in to talk and saw that I was laying down and without saying a word he climbed into bed with me and held me. Nothing beyond an innocent cuddle but he has not done anything like that in more years than I can count. Maybe he was testing me to see if I would pull away?
M- 11 y H- 40 Me- 41 D (1st M) 19 S (1st M) 17 First EA (w/OOW)discovered 2000 Third EA (w/OOW & phone) discovered 02/06 SSM (total) 3 1/2 years
I have been following your thread and I've been wanting to post something to you but I didn't quite know what to say. I do understand going for so long without really filling each other's emotional needs as that is what my wife and I did for so many years. We had a relationship but that intimate piece was missing.
Like your husband, I came to a point where I filled those needs outside of my marriage... I had affairs both EA and PA. I wanted this emotional and physical connection with my wife though and over the past year I have been working to reestablish our connection. The first thing I had to do though was to let go of my anger towards my wife. Then I could start to find a genuine way to reconnect.
My secrets however got in the way of her opening herself to me and starting to recover our marriage. She had anger towards me as well. Our anger and resentment towards each other was the thing standing between us.
Once my affairs were revealed to her it lifted a weight from both of us. It also gave her new things to be angry about though. We are still working very hard so that we may both understand why this happened, so that it won't happen again. Working past the anger is an important step.
A very good book that our MC recommended to us is After The Affair, by Janis Spring. It is written for both the "hurt spouse" and the "unfaithful spouse". It is helping us understand our own feelings and each others feelings about this. How to rebuild trust, forgive and heal. Very highly recommended.
His cuddle with you is encouraging. It is a slow process to reconnect with each other. It starts with those small gestures like hugs, kisses and cuddles. Your being open to him touching you again is a good way to start.
Cinco
Me49 W49 D17 M23 Sep01 Me PA 1 Jan02 filed D Mar02 ended A 1 reconcile Apr08 Me PA 2 May08 ended A 2 Aug09 A's revealed My latest thread Drive
Cinco said: "His cuddle with you is encouraging. It is a slow process to reconnect with each other. It starts with those small gestures like hugs, kisses and cuddles. Your being open to him touching you again is a good way to start."
Absolutely. I couldn't agree more.
From what you've said thus far, it sounds like your husband genuinely loves you; however, it sounds like he doesn't know how to channel into the marriage his desire for an emotional connection--a connection that allows him to be free from physical failure ... because the threat of failure always exists with you, the threat that he won't really satisfy you.
This threat didn't become overwhelming until after you were married. So there was a time--before the marriage--when he was sexual and the threat of failure was NOT a problem? Is that true?
What activities did you share together before the marriage? Did you go to movies? Did you go to shows? Did you share any hobbies? Is it possible to resume activities that were part of the courtship phase? If you can, it may help re-establish a romantic atmosphere.
I suspect, however, that many of the problems that you're facing have to do with the limitations that your husband, and maybe you as well, have placed on your roles in the marriage. For example, your husband's role as your lover maybe needs to be broadened so that his perceived failure in one respect doesn't prevent him from ever participating.
me: 50 w (waw): 45 daughter: 9 m: 16 t: 19 bomb: 9/26/08 status: physical separation for 7 weeks, then work-in-progress R
You said: "My H has never been into oral (he was into taking but never giving in that aspect) and as for any other kind of 'play', he just does not innitiate and I can't handle more rejection... so we are at am impasse."
Does he understand how selfish he is being? Do YOU understand?
Sorry for being blunt. But if you both put this type of limitation on your own sexual fulfillment and his participation (or lack thereof) ... this truly is an impasse.
This isn't a matter of being "into" it (although that certainly helps). It's a matter of being a loving partner.
me: 50 w (waw): 45 daughter: 9 m: 16 t: 19 bomb: 9/26/08 status: physical separation for 7 weeks, then work-in-progress R
This threat didn't become overwhelming until after you were married. So there was a time--before the marriage--when he was sexual and the threat of failure was NOT a problem? Is that true?
Yes, we have discussed this and can pinpoint when troubles started with when we moved back to our hometown before we married and his mother decided to give us the 'if you marry her you will be committing adultry because she is divorced' talk. That, combined with the testosterone issues have made it a mind and body issue for him.
Originally Posted By: garyjlost
What activities did you share together before the marriage? Did you go to movies? Did you go to shows? Did you share any hobbies? Is it possible to resume activities that were part of the courtship phase? If you can, it may help re-establish a romantic atmosphere.
We used to play golf, bowl, take long walks, play pool and go to the movies alot when dating. Due to my physical limitations I can no longer take part in those activities. As for going to the movies, sitting still for that ammount of time is very painful for me, so we instead wait for tings to come out on DVD... I try to get him to watch the movies with me, but I usually end up watching them alone after owning them for a few months and later he will watch the movie by himself.
M- 11 y H- 40 Me- 41 D (1st M) 19 S (1st M) 17 First EA (w/OOW)discovered 2000 Third EA (w/OOW & phone) discovered 02/06 SSM (total) 3 1/2 years
You said: "My H has never been into oral (he was into taking but never giving in that aspect) and as for any other kind of 'play', he just does not innitiate and I can't handle more rejection... so we are at am impasse."
Does he understand how selfish he is being? Do YOU understand?
Sorry for being blunt. But if you both put this type of limitation on your own sexual fulfillment and his participation (or lack thereof) ... this truly is an impasse.
This isn't a matter of being "into" it (although that certainly helps). It's a matter of being a loving partner.
Yes, I know that it is selfish on his part, but it is how it has always been. I have tried and tried to get across to him in the past that it was not just the EA with OOW and the phone sex with OW but the fact that he described doing things with them that he has never done with me. That he showed them the attention and worked to make them feel desired while completely ignoring me. This is probably the largest reason that I would pull away when he would try to reach for my hand... I did not want the crumbs, I wanted the cake.
Tonight was rough... I had a medical test scheduled for this evening and when I got there and they started I found out that it was the wrong test on the wrong area! I have huge issues with not being listened to and not being heard, so when things like this happen I shut down. He was livid and called the Dr's office to find out why they ordered the wrong test. (The best way to describe how wrong it was, it is as if you go to the ER with a broken hand and they x-ray your back. The x-ray was needed but not on your back) He tried to make me get on the phone, but the proceedure was painful and I was very upset and did not want to talk to the Dr because my mind set at that exact moment was 'what good would it do, he would not listen to me anyway?' which ticked my H off and it was a tense ride home with him yelling at me for giving up.
By the time we got home my BP was 229/117 and my heart rate 137 and he tried to comfort me since he had vented and was sorry for how he had acted but I told him that I needed my space at the moment. Stupid, I know... but I also know me... I would have taken my anger and frustration out on him, but in trying to prevent a situation I once again pushed him away.
Two steps forward and one step back it seems. I know I made a mistake... sighs.
M- 11 y H- 40 Me- 41 D (1st M) 19 S (1st M) 17 First EA (w/OOW)discovered 2000 Third EA (w/OOW & phone) discovered 02/06 SSM (total) 3 1/2 years
