Dunno. Never put much thought into the MLC idea, but lately.... Had some convos with an MLC survivor (left-behind, not walkaway), and there sure are some powerful parallels. Got very concerned about the kids today and sent a nice -- not snotty or finger-pointing or anything like that -- email laying out some events and concerns. A one-sentence response completely uninterested in anything I'd said about them.
Maybe she thought it was a mask for me projecting my own feelings? Don't know (and yes AAK, I have a C). But it was weird. I mean, hair on the back of the neck weird. An almost total detachment, but not in the "good" way, you know? Here I'd said that D7 is waking up nights crying and S10 "just knows" that if she gets remarried I will die -- because my father died after my mother remarried, kid logic (he was very ill -- brain thing) -- and D7 announcing it's okay if I remarry because everyone knows it's stepfathers who are really mean -- stepmothers are evil but only if you're a princess. And there's no logic, as all the parents out there know. This is their reality.
From WAW? Nary a peep about it. Which is cold, maternally speaking, even by her standards.
So I dunno. Maybe it's been MLC all along? Not that it makes any real difference, as it were, but if so it doesn't bode well for the future, eh? One month per year of marriage, right? That's looking at Fall 2010. Sheesh.
In my opinion, you can be a safe place for your kids to dump their anxiety if you stop telling her what you hear. She is trying to clam them up by telling them that stuff that happens at her house is not your business. Of course, that isn't true. There should not be things that must be kept secret from parents. She is putting this burden on them. You need to take it off by being there as a confidente, and never letting on to her that you know.
Here I'd said that D7 is waking up nights crying and S10 "just knows" that if she gets remarried I will die -- because my father died after my mother remarried, kid logic (he was very ill -- brain thing) --
So weird. I had the same sitch (Father dying after my mom remarried, brain thing too, can't remember if we've discussed that) and my kids brought it up months ago, nearly ripped my heart in two because it was clear they were concerned that their dad was going to die...I've blocked out what was said because it was too painful. My H happened to be here when the meltdown happened and let's just say, whatever he did to himself psychologically to leave me also deleted some of his empathy nodes. He just could not respond to it in a fully feeling way.
I'm sorry you are absorbing their pain. My stepdad is the one who told me, when I called him crying telling him I can't watch my kids got through what I went through, that they are so lucky to have someone who can empathize, who can really feel for them and be here for them. This was months ago and I really got it. It is not trite or simplistic. It is the whole kit and kaboodle. Just tonight S9 was crying and expressing his anger and with so many thoughts streaming through my head, I was able to state, "I understand" and stroke his hair. That is what we can do if we are strong and focused, understand, listen, be willing to absorb the pain. My sweet boy pointed to a little heart button on my shirt and gestured breaking. I asked, "you feel your heart is broken?" He nodded yes...and we talked about broken hearts and how they do heal...and he said it doesn't feel like that right now and I said "I understand, I've been there and when you're in it you don't feel like it will get better but it does" and that I've had a broken heart enough times now to know even when it hurts so bad that it'll get better. He understood. And I was speaking to myself as my heart was breaking for him and it helped to keep the tears at bay, to know that broken hearts do heal and get stronger.
Dunno. Never put much thought into the MLC idea, but lately.... Had some convos with an MLC survivor (left-behind, not walkaway), and there sure are some powerful parallels. Got very concerned about the kids today and sent a nice -- not snotty or finger-pointing or anything like that -- email laying out some events and concerns. A one-sentence response completely uninterested in anything I'd said about them.
Maybe she thought it was a mask for me projecting my own feelings? Don't know (and yes AAK, I have a C). But it was weird. I mean, hair on the back of the neck weird. An almost total detachment, but not in the "good" way, you know? Here I'd said that D7 is waking up nights crying and S10 "just knows" that if she gets remarried I will die -- because my father died after my mother remarried, kid logic (he was very ill -- brain thing) -- and D7 announcing it's okay if I remarry because everyone knows it's stepfathers who are really mean -- stepmothers are evil but only if you're a princess. And there's no logic, as all the parents out there know. This is their reality.
From WAW? Nary a peep about it. Which is cold, maternally speaking, even by her standards.
So I dunno. Maybe it's been MLC all along? Not that it makes any real difference, as it were, but if so it doesn't bode well for the future, eh? One month per year of marriage, right? That's looking at Fall 2010. Sheesh.
Phase two in progress.....as I said, this is not over yet.
Going to throw some experience 2 x 4's your way here.
1. Did she NEED to know about the crying/meltdown episodes? What happens at your place also happens at hers. I was surprised to hear of this when wife and I went through process of discussing life apart. To ME, knowing what I now know, telling her is just placing MORE blame on her. Validating even further the notion that you can't possibly be right for each other.
2. Short and trite responses are also normal. I was the king of expectations when sending messages to wife. The responses that I received usually did not meet the expectations I had set upon them.
3. That month per year of marriage thing is kinda funny.....we are two years reconcilled. It is just the past 6 months that I can say things have made the turn and look mostly positive. We were married 8 years when it happened. Apart a tad over 1 1/2. Now as I said back for 2. The 2 back has honestly been the fastest 2 of my life. Much like you situation, I was the one who dug in and did the work once I got it. The person I "got" back was in essence the same person 6 months prior to her departure. A year into our reconcilliation, I said screw it, if she can't change than why should I. So I slipped back into the "bad me" if you will. 6 months ago I decided to give the whole my changes will force change in others thing a try. Guess what.......for today, we are better than ever and WE are changing for US.
Adding this in....I have said before that my kids are the same age as yours. They are mature enough to understand their feelings and what they mean. Letting them vent in appropriate ways (crying, sharing their fears, etc.) is all you can do for the meltdowns. The area that has had the most lasting effect on the kids in our house has been the breakdown of their confidence/trust. It has been hard to reassure the kids that we weren't going to split again but we strive daily to build our trust with them back.
Smiley, I continue to follow your thread for one selfish reason, so I can say told you so. Does the thought of placing a blame on her behavior (MLC) give a bit of willingness to understand/forgive?
WAW has texted/emailed/VM'd demanding that I call her about "something," but in no case has there been any indication, no matter how oblique, of what Thing Some Thing might be.
This strikes me as a very dubious proposition -- as General Patton said, haste and speed are not synonyms. I have thus far refrained from my normal reaction impulse but am now at a loss. All else equal, I would much prefer writing to speaking -- our convos historically (i.e., for 22 years) have an almost magical way of going right off on tangents. The mere "tone" of the missives she has dispatched puts me in Defense Mode.
Thoughts?
------- Replies to @reconciled ---------
1. Did she NEED to know about the crying/meltdown episodes? What happens at your place also happens at hers.
1a. Was surprised to learn that they don't expose themselves that way with her; apparently -- if S10's C is to be believed -- I am Safe Haven, where they can act out (good, bad, and indifferent).
2. Short and trite responses are also normal. I was the king of expectations when sending messages to wife.
2a. Oh I fully expect short and trite "to me," where every sentence from her ends with the thought-bubble, "[comma] you a**hole." But on the subject of the kids, where she has expressed "concern" and "absolute interest" and the desire to "always be informed," I found it rather disconcerting.
3. Does the thought of placing a blame on her behavior (MLC) give a bit of willingness to understand/forgive?
WAW has texted/emailed/VM'd demanding that I call her about "something," but in no case has there been any indication, no matter how oblique, of what Thing Some Thing might be.
This strikes me as a very dubious proposition -- as General Patton said, haste and speed are not synonyms. I have thus far refrained from my normal reaction impulse but am now at a loss. All else equal, I would much prefer writing to speaking -- our convos historically (i.e., for 22 years) have an almost magical way of going right off on tangents. The mere "tone" of the missives she has dispatched puts me in Defense Mode.
Thoughts?
Hiya SP,
I've always hated vague/cryptic "call me" e-mails/VMs/TMs. In fact, I got one at work this morning. I generally ignore them, and the other party usually then initiates a second attempt with a little more info about why they're trying to reach me. Maybe it's just my own quirk, but I hate the feeling of being "ambushed."
Maybe a TM with a "Today's been nuts, but I wanted to let you know that I've gotten all of your messages. Is everything okay? What is it you need to discuss?"
WAW has texted/emailed/VM'd demanding that I call her about "something," but in no case has there been any indication, no matter how oblique, of what Thing Some Thing might be.
This strikes me as a very dubious proposition -- as General Patton said, haste and speed are not synonyms. I have thus far refrained from my normal reaction impulse but am now at a loss. All else equal, I would much prefer writing to speaking -- our convos historically (i.e., for 22 years) have an almost magical way of going right off on tangents. The mere "tone" of the missives she has dispatched puts me in Defense Mode.
Thoughts?
Set the tone for future "talks."
e-mail back, "Really swamped right now. What is it you need to discuss?"
If she gives you the "something" then set a phone appt. "I can call you at __________ on _________ to discuss."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Maybe it's just my own quirk, but I hate the feeling of being "ambushed."
Maybe a TM with a "Today's been nuts, but I wanted to let you know that I've gotten all of your messages. Is everything okay? What is it you need to discuss?"
Indeed, this is something I've been working on in my conversations with my wife: I don't let her get away with saying "never mind" when she starts to say something any more, and if she calls me on doing the same, I come clean.
PDT has it right: you're a busy guy, so if she "needs" you to call her, she should be able to give you an idea of what it is about.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
All very sound advice. Refine the proposition -- working backwards, the VM came after an "I'll call you at___" TM; the TM came after a "got your email is there something specific?" email. And she knows I'm not busy for 30 more minutes because I'd never leave the house during rush hour.
