wife left, wants divorce, possibly bipolar

[tristan]

Hi Ryepatch,

Haven't heard from you in a while. You doing OK?

[ryepatch]

yeah, just a bunch of stuff going on that would require a lot of background and typing to explain. in brief:

A) she cancelled our car insurance, which she could be prosecuted for (interfering in judicial proceedings) since there's technically a divorce underway. i sent an email to her with the citation and what i'm thinking about the legal stuff (mediation rather than hiring lawyers, for example). i copied it to her coworker and her roommate. no answer from any of them.

B) a few more unexplained knocks on the door. grrr. . .

C) our last mutual friend is gone. she gave him her new number but made him promise he wouldn't give it to me. i don't know why it matters, she hasn't answered the phone when i call since the day she left, and i could call her at work. anyway, he and i are no longer talking. i can't be friends with someone who's withholding contact info about my mentally ill wife. he said he gave his word.

this is the friend who gave her LSD two weeks after she left, which i think triggered her mania/hypomania.

he and i still have a common friend, though, so now i'll be getting third-hand information. totally ridiculous.

D) she told him she's afraid of talking to me (or reading emails or letters) because I have the power to put ideas in her head and make her think they're hers. not an exact quote, it's a little unclear how psychotic this is but it definitely shows that she's incredibly paranoid and obsessed by me.

anyway, still standing by my marriage. anything could happen.

E) i have two therapists, my marriage counselor and then this other one, who told me today that she might not be able to see me anymore because we have philosophical differences and i'm not trying to get healthy. our MC totally supports me, and is still trying to reach out to my wife.

[Goodfight]

Rye,

You need to try and hang in there. My H did the same thing, no phone number for even the kids to call. This went on for over 3 months and I wasn't calling him at all. They don't make sense when they are like this, IMO you just need to give her space and time.

He didn't see or call any of us for that period of time so I figured he didn't want anything at all to do with us then all of a sudden he starts writing to D12 and gives phone number out but like I said in my post he called me the following day.

They are sick and there isn't anything we can do for them until they want to help themselves. They need to realize something is wrong but don't make the mistake I did by telling your W.

They don't believe us at all. I think it would have to come from a friend or something.

My H made lies up about me etc. But I know the truth. You have to have patience and I know how hard it is because I have very little patience. I just keep saying to myself he is ill.

I haven't heard from him since Friday so I don't know what to think now either.

[tristan]

Hi Ryepatch.

If my W is bipolar, it is very mild. Your W sounds more severe. Paranoia and what the psych described as "suggestability" is symptom of bipolar. Somehow, I think the fact that she thinks you can put thoughts in her mind is a good thing. I think it shows that she thought a lot of your advice when she was well. Just let it go for a while.

What caused the therapist to say "you are not trying to get healthy"? What were the "philosophical differences". I often debate my counselor on things and he doesn't kick me out, doesn't seem right. In any case, best to get a new one anyway.

How is the job search going?

Hang in there Ryepatch.

[ryepatch]

hey lost,

glad to hear from you! you really are a role model for me because you've hung in there so long.

and tristan, you're a role model because A) you're succeeding and B) you play it so cool!

the job search isn't going well. no callbacks or interviews for over a month. i have no recent work experience and there are often 10-20 people for every job.

i'm looking, but i think i might be able to get financial aid to get back into school (and get my expenses covered) by january, so that's my backup plan.

between now and then, i'm "borrowing" from my parents' retirement account.

as for my therapist, she basically doesn't believe in standing for your marriage, she thinks i should try to go straight to being single and not trying to get leverage over my wife.

our MC is great, though, and is convinced she's going to come down and be ready to talk at some point, so i shouldn't make any big moves. he sees the marriage as being the patient, you know? we may be on our deathbed, but it doesn't mean i should give up. he also thinks that if we can get through the divorce without alienating each other, we're likely to remarry.

which is why i tried to offer her a quick and easy divorce, if she is able to communicate with me about it.

but if she's going to push for an antagonistic divorce, all i can do is try to slow it down and it make it clear she has to talk to me to get what she wants.

[tristan]

Ryepatch,

The 'success' in healing our marriage is not mine. If we succeed, it is because my W conquered her illness. She has more to do with our success than I. I say this because you shouldn't measure your success by the health of the marriage. The health of your marriage is entirely in your W hands and you have absolutely no control over it right now. It is not your fault if your W never seeks help.

Your backup plan sounds great. What are you planning on studying?

Finally, your disagreement with your IC seems a petty reason to halt counseling. I often find myself arguing with my IC over the same thing. I think he does it to help me realize what I am giving up by not releasing my W. Which I find healthy, it is good to be aware of that in the moment. You have to decide if the marriage is worth fighting for and it needs to be reassessed periodically. Yesterday I was talking about my W and got to the point "I just need to figure out how..." and stopped. My IC said go on finish it. I realized that I have not been able to finish that phrase "I just need to figure out how much I am willing to put up with." He helped me process what I am willing to put up with and it is clear I am not there yet.

Anyway good luck with everything. I will keep checking in.

[Goodfight]

Hi Ryepatch,

It's not an easy road and without people on hear I would have given up already. Not they I ever wanted to but some are on here and have their marriage restored after years of being separated or divorced. So this is where I get my strength from, this site and divorce ministries site. I pray and pray and am standing for my M.

You are in the right place and it takes a whole lot of patience and time but you can do it. I'm only beginning to see my H make baby steps at we have been separated for 11 months. Never did I think it would take this long or should I say I prayed from day one that he would return. But I did all of the wrong things according to DBusting in the beginning, so it's my fault also. Just so glad I found this site.

Hang in there you are doing the right things. I know with the IC it is tough because mine told me from the beginning to get rid of him and find someone new. But keep going.

[ryepatch]

hey lost and tristan and whoever else is listening. . .

i have no real news to report, but our MC has agreed to see me twice a week, so i can fire our IC now. this is really awesome, since with our MC, i barely get enough time to fill him in on the rumours and analyze them and try to figure out what's going on with her, and there's not a lot of time for goal-setting or problem-solving. now i'm hoping i'll be able to make some real progress.

i feel so much better after talking to him, and less desperate the night before i see him, that i'm hoping i'll be a little more functional.

i have my last appt. with the IC on Friday, not sure if i should cancel or go and see if she has any last words.

i found out from the pharmacy that W's still on birth control pills, which probably doesn't mean anything because she often just takes them for regularity. still, it's bothersome, you know?

i used to be so proud to pick up her prescriptions for her. . .

just been really down this week. lost, your story has given me so much hope and helped convince me i'm not crazy.

i just wish there was some way to communicate with her about practical stuff. . . but her friends and family aren't talking to me and she's not talking to my friends and family.

so it's at the point that my friends are going to have to talk to her friends. ridiculous.

i'm sick of this game of hiding from the process server. had a dream there was a knock this morning, don't know if it was real or not.

tristan, i'm still following your thread, though i haven't been posting (it shows up in my email). you're doing great.

[ryepatch]

well, not much concrete news, but. . .

a friend of mine from back east is coming out to stay with me for awhile, maybe indefinitely. if he finds work and can help with bills and rent it might make it so i don't have to move at least before my lease is up at the end of the year. this'll be really good too because i'll have someone to do daytime stuff with, eat dinner with, won't have to scramble to have a companion on weekend nights.

not a real close friend, but we've been talking a lot lately.

so i'm finally cleaning up the house and yard, gonna put him in our old bedroom (i've been sleeping on the couch). it's a really positive step.

still have a lot of anxiety though.


got a message from W's best friend (in another state), haven't talked to her yet but she'd promised she'd call if she ever heard from W. also, W called our MC this week (he'd sent her a letter recently) to say she was fine (yeah right!) and would send him the money she owes him soon.

anyway, these may be small signs of movement. will discuss with MC on thursday.

[tristan]

Hi Ryepatch.

I think it is good you have a friend coming to town. It will really help with the GAL-ling as you said. It sounds like you are making baby steps for you, keep that up.

Do you have a hobby? What is it? Soccer helps me take my mind off things. I use to run a lot, but it has been difficult to keep my mind off my situation while only running. Soccer forces me to concentrate on something else.

Hang in there and have patience.