Taking it one day at a time

[Kemper]

I want to give a little bit of background on my marriage and situation. Sorry for such a long post but I wanted to try and provide as much information as possible.

My wife lost her job a couple of months before we got married and we decided instead of looking for a job she should focus her efforts on putting together her ideal wedding. We were married a little over four years ago and found out the day we got back from our honeymoon that we were pregnant. We then decided since she was already out of work and had always wanted to be a stay at home mom that she would not look for a job. Our oldest son (3 1/2) was born and then our youngest son (1 1/2) was born a short time later. About a year after our second son was born we purchased our first house together. The reason I bring these up is we never had an opportunity to focus on us as a married couple and we have had a lot of distractions keeping that from happening. Now I don't want anyone to take me saying distractions the wrong way, I would not go back at this point even knowing what I know now and change a thing. I love my sons and my wife but see how these life changes have had an impact on our relationship.

One major change in my wife’s life over the past year is that she was diagnosed with cervical cancer. She found out when I was on the west coast on a business trip. I immediately booked the next flight and took the red-eye home to be with her. After all the tests she ended up having a partial hysterectomy. I bring this up because I don’t know if this has any bearing on what is happening now. She has mentioned that it doesn’t but I am not so sure.

Fast forward to July of this year. My wife always goes to the NJ shore every year with our sons and has been going there since she was a little girl. She headed up on July 31st for two weeks. I flew up the following week to spend time with the family. I got there the following week and our vacation was not all that great. We avoided each other at some level and my wife seemed very distant. While there we found out that my oldest son would not be going back to school on the date we were originally told. Instead since this is his first year they were going to stagger the newer children. My wife decided to stay an extra week but instead of staying at the shore she decided to stay at her girlfriend's house due to family issues with sharing the shore house with her brother. I talked with her everyday and sometimes asked what was wrong. She stated nothing was wrong. During the last week I also found out that some bills were late. She takes care of the finances now, which was a big change after we got married since she has had issues in the past with paying bills on time. However, this allowed her to feel good about contributing to the family. Finances right now are not the greatest and I probably get hot headed most about them which is something I am working on for myself.

She and the boys returned home the evening of Aug 21st. We had plans to go to a friend’s lake house the following day for the rest of the weekend. Everything was going okay but I still felt my wife was distant. While out on the boat with our friends we were talking about situations where one of the spouses had been an a$$. I started to tell about how I had been an a$$ the evening I arrived at the shore for vacation. When I first started to tell it my wife told me that I didn't want to go there. Obviously, based on that statement I wanted to know what was on her mind. The tension was so think you could cut it with a knife.

We made it back to our friend's house and proceeded to go into one of the rooms to talk. My wife stated that her friends commented while she was in NJ that they don't like they way I treat her. She then brought up that I had been an a$$ to her all the time and that she wasn't happy. She was tired of always fighting and the tit for tat that we do. She said this isn't how she wanted to have the conversation but that I pushed her to bring it up. She said she has been feeling this way for 6 months but who knows how long it has truly been going on. She says she is tired of keeping up a front and pretending that our life is so great. She commented that everyone always mentions what a great life and family she has but she feels like it is all an illusion that she is keeping up. After a little while of arguing I asked her if she wanted me to contact a lawyer. Her answer was yes and that she was through. She said that she loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore. I brought up the fact that before we got married that we both agreed that we didn't believe in divorce and that we would do anything to keep that from happening since we both come from divorced households. Her response was that she had changed her mind since then. I asked her if she would agree to marriage counseling. To my surprise she said that she would go.

We got home on Sunday and had a few talks but they all came out as how unhappy she was and how she loved me but wasn't in love with me. I said that I really want her to be committed to the marriage counseling and not to do it just to pacify me. She commented at least she agreed to go. The first real night being home she decided to sleep in our guest room.

On Monday I made an appointment with a marriage counselor that was recommended. Our first appointment was the following day. We again had some relationship talks Monday evening which were very draining on both of us and we decided to just go to bed, again in separate rooms. She mentioned that she wished there was another man so that this would be easier. She doesn’t feel like it should take work.

Our first meeting with the marriage counselor went well I thought. She pointed out to the counselor how surprised I was when she unloaded. How she hadn’t tried talking to me about it because she didn’t want to fight. She said the only reason she ever has sex with me is because she feels like she has to and not really because she wants to. However, that evening I made the same mistake that I had been making which was to try and discuss our relationship. I have always been the pursuer in our relationship which I have also found out thanks to this forum. My wife continued to sleep in the guest room until Saturday. On Saturday I offered to switch rooms with her so she could have the master and I would move into the guest room, which she agreed.

Sunday Aug 30th we had a picnic at my son’s new school. For some reason before we left I looked at our cell phone bill online. My wife has never gone over her text limit (1500). However, only 14 days into the billing cycle she was already over it. I examined the previous bill and our current bill and noticed that she had sent 2170 text messages to one number from Aug 1st – Aug 31st and also had phone conversations with the same number at all hours of the night. I called the number and a guy answered. I hung up the phone and calmly approached her about it right before we were leaving. She stated that he was a guy she went to high school with. She ran into him at the bar he is a bartender at one of the first nights she was up in NJ out with her friends. I asked if they went to that bar specifically and she said yes because she figured he would give them a break on drinks. After the picnic we discussed the text messages and phone calls and she stated they were just friends. It appeared to potentially be an emotional affair and I asked if she was emotionally attached to him. She said that she didn’t know and that she liked talking with him because it was easy and they didn’t fight. We had our second scheduled marriage counseling session coming up on Wednesday. I told her that I would never ask her not to talk to someone but could she hold off on contacting him until after we talked with our counselor. She said that she would have to tell him which bothered me and I asked why since there are plenty of other friends that she doesn’t talk with everyday. She said the only reason she didn’t tell me they were talking is because she didn’t want to get in a fight. I can admit that I am a jealous person and have always been fearful of my wife or anyone I dated in the past having an affair.

The next day I made a stupid mistake and checked the bill again. Not surprised she continued to text and talk with him and I brought it up again. She felt like she was being monitored which I can understand. I also called her brother to talk with him about the situation which also pissed her off. I have since looked at the bill and noticed there are not any more calls or text messages but I am sure they just changed the way they communicate. We brought the situation up in marriage counseling and she was very defensive. I don’t know if anything the counselor said to her got through but only time will tell. After counseling we were out in the parking lot smoking and she made a comment about being depressed. I asked what she was depressed about and she said just the situation. I asked if there was anything specific and she gave her typical shrug of the shoulders and shaking of the head that she does as if to say I don’t know.

Friday evening she was supposed to go up to our friend’s house so she could see a girlfriend that was in town from New York. On Friday morning she had coffee with a neighbor of hours and then called on her way to pick up our oldest. She said that she didn’t want to go tonight. I said if she doesn’t want to go then don’t go. She said she would be mad at herself for not going and seeing her friend from New York and that she didn’t want to go alone. I offered to go with her and take the boys. She asked if I was sure and I said that I would. On the drive up she was getting irritated with our oldest for asking so many questions. I was trying to deflect them by talking to him myself. However, her patience has been really short with the kids lately and that just kills me. It was so funny though because as soon as we got to our friend’s house she was the happiest person in the world and had such a good time. It is amazing how she can either change her mood at the drop of a dime or fake it.

At some point over the last week I found this forum. I spent hours upon hours reading the posts and realizing that I was doing everything wrong.  I have since worked on detaching, not spying, having a life, no relationship talk, and just giving her space. I have tried to let her initiate all conversations which is a 180 for me. I no longer ask who was on the phone or where she was if she goes out. Now she asks me who was on the phone, or who I was out with if I go out. She also seems to get pissed if I do something for myself like going to have a drink with a friend or going for a walk. Yesterday for example I went for a walk an hour before the boys bed time after hanging out with them all day. She spent the majority of the day in bed. I got home after the walk and she was asking did you have a good walk, in one of her tones. I could tell it bothered her but I didn’t let it bother me. Later on she said that I didn’t have to move my toiletries to the guest bathroom. I mentioned that I moved them today because I felt uncomfortable the other day when I was taking a shower and you were brushing your teeth. We have a glass shower and through the mirror she could see right in the shower. I did my best to keep to myself and not check if she was looking, which I doubt she was. Now I know how she felt when I walked into the bathroom one day and she was pulling her shirt down because she didn’t have any underwear on.

Today was a tough day. I had to put down my dog that I have had for 14 years. He has been having some trouble walking due to hip dysplasia but today’s symptoms came out of nowhere. It was hardest hearing my oldest son crying and saying not to go when I was taking the dog to the vet. When I got home my wife said she was sorry and asked if there was anything she could do. I said there wasn’t, and she said she was sorry that I had to do this with everything going on with us. I just responded with what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger. She hugged me four times today and since she has been home she has only hugged me twice. During one of the hugs she said I love you, I responded with I love you too. This is the first I love you since the bomb. However, based on what I have read on the forum I didn’t read too much into it.

She has had plans for some time to go to a friend’s birthday party today. She asked if I was mad that she was going to which I responded with no, she asked if I was mad that she was staying over, to which I also responded no. She brought up staying over there a couple of days ago and I thought it was a great idea because when my wife starts drinking she doesn’t really know when to stop. We have had fights about her driving after drinking and not thinking about the family and any potential financial issues if something were to happen. She mentioned yesterday that her mother commented to my wife that she thinks she is an alcoholic because her behavior at the shore reminded her of how her husband (my wife’s father) was. Not sure how my wife took that but I assume she brushed it off.

I woke up early this morning with the boys, had breakfast, and took them to the playground. I wanted to be sure that I wasn’t home when my wife called this morning. When the boys and I got back to the house there were a few missed calls from my wife. I called her back and her first question was asking where we were. I explained that I took the boys to the playground. She said she was leaving to come home in a little while. When she got home I didn’t ask her any questions about the party last night. She made small chit chat but I couldn’t take being in the house anymore. I put my shoes on and took our dog for a long walk. She made a comment asking why I have been taking so many walks. I laughed and said this was only the second walk I had taken since the bomb. She made a comment about how I never took walks before and why now. I let her know that walking made me feel better. When I got home it was no surprise that my wife was on the phone. I went out to smoke and she followed. Again some idle chit chat but nothing major. It seems every time I go outside to smoke she follows me. I never follow her out to smoke anymore but used to when things were “good”. A little while ago I was out smoking and she came out. She asked if there was something else we should be doing. She stated that it has been awkward and that we don’t talk. I told her that I was giving her the space that she had asked for. I said when we talked in the past about our relationship that she felt like we were going round and round and it was emotionally draining. She asked if we couldn’t just have conversations that were not about our relationship. I told her that we could but again I am giving her space and if she wants to talk then to let me know. She then asked what I wanted to talk about. I said that I didn’t really have anything and she said she didn’t either. I mentioned that she must not have non relationship stuff to talk about with me because she talks with all her friends and she probably doesn’t want to repeat it. I told her I was going upstairs to work on our homework from the marriage counselor. We’ll have to see how the rest of today goes.

I know that I wasn’t the perfect husband and that my work has caused me to put my family second sometimes. Work is a hard topic because my wife says she is so proud of what I have accomplished for myself and for my family. She says that she has never resented me for the amount of time I have put into work because of what it provides our family. I think I am the one that is feeling the guiltiest about it. This situation was a great wakeup call and as such I have been focusing on my boys when I get home at night and doing whatever they want to do.

I also know that I have things that I need to work on (e.g. insecurity, jealously, etc) but I am working on them for me and not for my wife. In all the reading that I have done on this forum I feel that my wife is a WAW and potentially going through a MLC. By taking the time today to just write this down has made me feel better about the situation. Don’t get me wrong it still sucks but I would much rather know how my wife is feeling and see if our relationship can survive. It is going to take work from both of us and I am committed to working on me for me. Only time will tell what will happen in the end.

[Kemper]

I was wondering if there was any advice on what to do about an upcoming birthday (middle of Oct). I was planning on getting my wife a gift because even though we are having issues I still feel it is important to celebrate her birthday. Any thoughts?

[Stronger]

Hi Kemper
Sorry you are here.
But it sounds ok. Not great, it sucks, but not dire either.
So let’s keep it that way.
Keep doing what you are doing, giving her space, letting her talk to you and initiate conversations. Try to avoid the R talk for now though. She really has no answers and she’ll go to the default of “I want out” and the more they say it, the more real it becomes.

If getting her gift is a good idea, if you think it’s not going to pressure her then do so. If you think she’s going to receive it poorly, then don’t, or tone it down. That’s up to you. How do you think she’d feel? Has she dropped any hints about what she wants?

[Kemper]

Hey Stronger,

Thanks for the input, it is very much appreciated.

As far as the gift goes I don't think she would receive it poorly. I feel that if I didn't get her something that would actually be worse. She has always seen her birthday as something very special, she even celebrates her half birthday. She has a "wish list" that she keeps up to date with items she would like to have so picking something from that wouldn't be hard. However, getting her a gift would be a 180 since she has almost always gone out and picked up what she wanted which was bad on my part I know.

[Stronger]

Then get her a gift and make is special.

[Kemper]

Thanks. I thought that would be the way to go but wanted to get insight from others that are going through similar situations.

[Stronger]

It's funny. So many situations are similiar but very unique at the same time.

[Kemper]

I feel like I backslid a little bit tonight. Wife and I went to BJs wholesale with the kids and everything went well. We got everything unpacked, put the kids to bed, made some dinner and watched a show. Our oldest came down while we were eating and I had to take him back up to bed. On the way upstairs he said he wanted to sleep in mommy and daddy's room. I told him he had to sleep in his room. I went back downstairs and a little while later was curious if was still in his room. I said to my wife that he is probably in your room. This is the first time that I ever refered to the master bedroom as "her" room. Later on my wife mentioned that she was having coffee with one of the ladies in our neighborhood. We have become friends with her and her family. I asked my wife if she had told her what is going on with us yet. She said that she hasn't yet but plans to tomorrow when they see each other in person. I asked my wife if she feels better letting so many people know and she said she does because she no longer has to keep up appearences that she feels like she is keeping. I asked if she felt better with everyone knowing so that it is easier for her to meet her end goal. I could have kicked myself after the conversation. She never did answer or say anything so I pressed play on the DVR, continued to watch the show. We had small talk for a few minutes while smoking and the off to bed in our seperate rooms.

[Stronger]

I think what you should have done at that point is asked her to not tell people. It's a private matter that needs to be dealt with internally first THEN when it's done people can know then. Also, if you haven't told the kids, then you REALLY should NOT tell anyone. How would they feel to over hear that information at a neighbor's?

[Deep]

It's funny. So many situations are similiar but very unique at the same time.

Very much so - it's something that struck me from the time I started reading this forum.

Kemper, I've heard a lot of what you heard from my W in her WAW mode. Keep the faith and keep plugging. I know it's hard and it could get much harder, but this forum is a great place to vent, get support and really good advice.

I'm also pretty sure your W's medical condition might have something to do with her state of mind. Something similar certainly was one of the triggers in my sitch. W had seen friends diagnosed with serious illnesses and told me later how it just made her look at our M and ask "Is this all the love/romance I'm going to have?" and at her her life and ask "Is this all I'm going to get out of it? what if I die tomorrow?". Together with issues in our M, other triggers, and a predatory OM, it precipitated a horrific MLC, A, and a real mess. And yeah, my W's birthday is around the same time as yours, whatever that may mean.

You're going to have to walk a fine line between boundary setting and being supportive of your W as she struggles with her internal crisis. Be strong and kind to yourself.