Questions for The DB'ing Pros - Help!

[neversaydie63]

rottzilla,

thank you for your post --- I am really in a funky zone now and just dont know what my next move (if any) is. Talked to my A on Thursday and he confirmed that she had filed but had not hired a law firm. She called me a few times on Friday to ask me about the car (wiper blades) I talked to her and gave her the info she needed and wished her a good bike ride on Sat but I have not talked to her since then.

At this point I am just not sure what I want to do. She dumps the "d" bomb on me and files, yet she has not officially hired a DA yet, even though there was one that helped her file the papers. (btw, I still have not yet received them but they were filed on the 1st of March) Then she calls me a few times and text messages me and sends me email links. Is she trying to b my "buddy" ? Is she looking for my forgiveness and my validation for her crazy behavior? Should I stay distant and dark or do I continue to call her like and see her like I was doing before the "d" bomb? I dont know and am really ready , at this point, to throw in the towel and move on. I feel I have tried and tired and am still just pushing rope uphill. Just not sure what else I can do. Seems everything I do is wrong!

Thanks for listening.

NSD

[neversaydie63]

Update:

Have not talked to her in a week and not seen her in almost 2 weeks ! Keeping very distant and dark for now, not sure if that is the right thing to do or not but for now, I guess I am going with my gut feeling. She just sent me a text message a few hours ago saying "that since she had not talked to me have a safe trip" I do need to sort a few things out with her mail and the dog before I leave so I am going to call her (and keep it real short and cool) -- Sh**&^%t, its just so hard to know what the right thing to do is these days.

NSD

[neversaydie63]

any thoughts???

NSD

[neversaydie63]

Update 3-29-10

Just got home from a one week trip out of the country but before I left I received a Fed Express Package which I took with me. When I arrived to my destination, I had an hour while I waited for my coliques so I opened the package and it was divorce papers!! -- I knew what it was before I opened it but I guess just seeing the official papers just knocked the wind out of my sails. I sat there , drank my coffee and cried - I guess I still actually had a ray of hope but now all seems hopeless. I have not talked to her all week. Exchanged a Text message about $$ and she sent me a few nasty emails about a joint bank account but beyond that, nothing. She is coming over this am to drop off the dog. Not sure what (if anything) I will say to her.

Oh well, looking back, I tried as hard as I could and tried to remain positive through out this whole thing, I guess it just was not enough.

NSD

[ddstartingover]

I know what it feels like....to TRY to do everything right and hope to have your spouse return. You keep asking yourself, did I do this right? Did I do this wrong? Is this why my spouse won't return to me???? Unfortunately at this point it is not about you - the why she won't return - it is about her, and probably was from the beginning. I got so caught up in the idea of being able to "save" my marriage that I was willing to accept all of the blame for failure----I even blamed myself for failing at DB: "I must not have DB'd right." (But of course I DID make a lot of DB mistakes.) But, I know that is not the case.

The only thing you can change or have an affect on is YOU. Focus on you and your future. Be the best person you can be for YOU. It REALLY sucks, to realize that you have no control when it comes to the future of your M----especially after 20+ years. Focus on you.

[neversaydie63]

Dianamo --- Wow, you nailed it exactly how it has played out in my situation. I have taken all the blame, then blamed her (in my head) thought about all of the things I tried to do right and questioned if that was the right move but at the end of the day, it was all about her and her decision to end this. I remember talking to a buddy of mine early on in my marital problems and he told me "no matter what you do, it will never be right and it will never be enough" --- at the time I guess I kinda dismissed it but looking back now , he was exactly right!!

I thought about the whole process the other day and she was done, absolutely done, before I even knew we had a problem so the last year and 1/2 of me trying to do everything in my power to save this marriage just didn’t matter because she was just going through the motions and trying to validate her actions --- oh well, at least I know in my heart that I really did try and give it my all.

Funny, but when I feel the best about this situation is when I am moving on, taking care of myself, having fun, doing what I like to do and focusing on me! Got to do more of that for my own sanity.

Keep in touch.

NSD