I need some advice. I'm still new on this endurance race and I have definetly been up and down, back and forth and broken all the DB rules. Even yesterday - I woke up in a foul mood and started to remove my wife from every aspect of my being. I didn't want to talk to her or even be in the same room. She definetly noticed and felt I was being angry. Hell yes, I'm angry. Later that morning I wanted to talk with her. Told her I didn't want to be angry. Started back on my 180's but let loose that I still wanted to work on our marriage. Wife of course said that She didn't want to work on our marriage at all. She wants to focus on herself. I told her I understand the reasons why she doesn't want this M anymore and I really do. I told that I loved her enough to let her go, which I do but it is really hard to do. Later that evenening my wife texted me and wanted to know if I wanted to have sex - no strings she said. My wife spent the evening painting, I helped with the kids and then after the kids were in bed she asked me if I was going to come to bed. I agreed but then she said she was too tired and wanted to cuddle. I said ok. This morining after we dropped the kids off at school she was all over me then said if we could find time this afternoon she wanted to be with me. As of yet nothing has happened but I am confused about what I should do. Help?
Sorry to hear about your sitch. You have come to the right place for support. My sitch is similar to yours in that an ex-boyfriend of my W's found her through Facebook and an EA ensued shortly thereafter and is still going on. You will find many similarities in our sitches. If you want, check out my thread under WAS to see the evolution of my sitch and where I am at now. Perhaps you may find it useful.
Hang in there and good luck!
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
Hey Big John, Thanks for the support. Your threads were/ are one of the ones that I have been following. Some very similar situations indeed. I've spoke to several people who all agree that they feel Facebook is "evil". I feel that way sometimes too but know its like any other tool, its up to those that use it that define it. Anyway I appreciate the support. Where are things with and your W now?
Ok - here is my sitch and I'm not sure how to deal with this. My wife and I are sleeping in the same bed still. We've had our share of night's on the couch. At one point when my wife said she wanted to work on our marriage we moved back in to the same room. We've had periods of affection through out this. She would say I Love You, but mean it like I love in a platonic way. We have been intimate but my wife will say its only physical no emotion.I have felt her distance in this and it bothers me.
We also spend time together but I also know that she continues her E/A with OM. I've been doing the 180's the GAL's and etc. In fact last night I wen to a local D support group and didn't tell my wife where I was going. She asked and I said that it was really none of her business anymore. She asked about it a couple of times and then said. "You really went to the library didn't you?" I said no and she seemd to get a little hostile about it. So I guess what I'm asking is what should I do next. I am reaching the point where I'm thinking I should aske her to move out or move out myself. She seems to really like having me around for her but continues the E/A. any suggestions?
If you have proof of the ongoing EA, I'd probably start by telling her to move out of the bedroom to somewhere else....if that means moving out, well I guess she will need to do that. If the internet is her vehicle to have an affair, I'd suggest discontinuing service. You don't have to tolerate it.
Perhaps seek out Puppy Dog tails or Gucci for more specific wording or behaviors. They have good advice about setting boundaries when your spouse is cheating.
If she's snowing you about having an EA, I'd suggest putting a keylogger on the computer (e-blaster was good for me) and get some concrete proof. Personally, if I had concrete proof in hand I'd probably say, "choose, him or me. If it's him, then I want you out".
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
she was all over me then said if we could find time this afternoon she wanted to be with me. As of yet nothing has happened but I am confused about what I should do. Help?
P.S. As sick as it is, some of these WAWs having EAs get horny from OM and use you as a surrogate for sex. With that in mind, would you want sex with her when she's thinking about someone else? I'd turn her down, "I'm not yours. And I don't want to have sex with you while you are thinking of someone else."
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Your ship (marriage) is taking on water and you are trying to fix the leak. Your wife has on foot on deck and another in the lifeboat (OM). She will get real interested in fixing the leak once you cut the lines to the lifeboat. So you as the Captain of your ship, which is what she is looking for, must take charge and be a leader.
"Wife, I have decided that I will not share you with another man. If you have anymore contact with OM, I will ask you to be out of the house in ____ days."
This is nothing more than a healthy and respectful boundary for all parties. You clearly and boldy state where you stand. She gets to choose by her actions what her consequences will be. This is a non-negotiable subject for a marriage you want to be in. This also shows your wife your confidence, love and dedication to saving the ship and in your ablilities.
You have to have the confidence that you will save the ship regardless of whether or not she chooses the lifeboat or to jump onboard with you. You can't control her but you can take charge of your life for the better starting now. You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Hey Big John, Thanks for the support. Your threads were/ are one of the ones that I have been following. Some very similar situations indeed. I've spoke to several people who all agree that they feel Facebook is "evil". I feel that way sometimes too but know its like any other tool, its up to those that use it that define it. Anyway I appreciate the support. Where are things with and your W now?
Husband73,
Thanks for the interest in my thread. I hope you find something useful that you can use in your own sitch. As you can see, I just filed for D from my W. Didn't feel I had a choice, had to do so as a defensive measure.
The latest and greatest is that my W informed me tonight that OM dumped her after expressing "guilt" over having been the catalyst that broke up her family. Whatever. More to come on this later.
take care.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
