Reconcilled but not moving forward...

[reconcilled]

Typical story…back in 06’, got the ILYBINILWY and short period later, she moved out. Went through a lot of pain and suffering and did a lot of things wrong. I filed for D after about 6 months and it was finalized that fall. I did this to protect the kids and for my own sanity. She was having an EA (don’t know for sure whether it became physical but suspect so) and would never admit it. Her actions were typical of a WAS. She went off the deep end and left behind the things that should have mattered. So I filed to get away from the insanity. I was awarded full custody with a standard visitation schedule.

Once D was final, I was able to truly detach. I began to build my new life sans a wife and mother around the house. I took on the role of being everything for the kids. As typically happens, this filled my time and became my source of happiness. The following spring, I made the decision to start thinking about myself and started the whole GAL program. Once I began finding happiness in myself, life seemed to become more manageable.

Then it happened as it was predicted it would……she started noticing the changes. Drop-offs/pick-ups became long conversations. Invitations to dinner. Started going to do things all four of us again. Eventually, one year after D was final, we decided that things weren’t so bad after all and we began the process of reuniting.

So we have been back together for 2 years now. She moved back into the home a couple months after we reconnected. We saw a MC for about 6 weeks at the beginning and we both felt it helped to get some of the “stuff” that had happened over the year we were apart out in the open. We seemed to be making progress and settling in to a better place.

So where are we now and why am I here? Well, it’s simple…..once again, as predicted by the WAW manual, me as the LBS has had to do the work and the WAW has done none. I am in a place where I am comfortable with who I am and what I stand for.

So what is the issue? Simple…..I can meet everyone of HER needs, but NONE of mine are being met in return. I help around the house. I help with the kids. I take care of the bills. I take care of ensuring her needs are being met in the way she wishes.

However, in return, my needs are not even being considered by her. I have expressed time and time again in many different ways (tones, formats, etc.). It is typically met with “I will change, I promise” to which she does for a short period and then all goes back to the way it was.

At this point, I am ready to be the LBS as often happens…..I don’t want this though. I want us to work…..

I just don’t know how anymore…….

[reconcilled]

I am not sure what questions to be asking right now....so I guess I am hoping someone will read this and help me get a better handle on how to proceed.

[reconcilled]

Folks....I am really struggling here. I know so many of you wish you had a second chance. I feel blessed to have it. But now I am trying to figure out what to do with this second chance and if I have grown in a different direction than my ex.

I see it on so many of the threads here and it is often talked about. The LBS does the work and the WAS does not. That is where we are in our situation.

I often feel that I put too much into attaining an idealistic world. Some of the things that I wish of my relationship are:

1. The affirmation that she truely does cherish me. This can be displayed in many forms. FB positing of how she enjoyed her weekend with her hubby. Telling me how great I am with sincerity. Not being uncomfortable in moments of intimacy.

2. To put more thought into the smaller things. One of the things that drives me nuts is I will do something nice for her. Then, a few days later she will do that same thing in return to me and consider this a true attempt at making me happy. I want her to show her own way.

3. She would be able to speak more openly to me. When we do have talks, she just agrees with me. Very seldom does she put into her own words how she feels.

4. Not let stuff just work itself out. I wish she would play a more active role in the progress of life. I was raised that you make things happen, not let others make them happen for you.

5. Our bedroom life is robotic. Same thing, same time, same everything. Only thing that changes is how often. It was decent after reconcilliation, but now its take it or leave it. All discussions on topic are usually answered with "I like doing it, I just don't know why I don't do it more". Nothing is ever followed through with.

Now for my own stuff.....

I know that I often will parent her. This I own and understand that I do. In thinking of why I do this, I attribute it to the feeling that she is not hearing what I am saying. I think that when it comes to our communications, I am the thinker and projector. Given my profession, I am naturally analytical. I approach all sides and talk through every aspect. She is not like this. Our conversations are typically very one sided with me doing most of the talking. Then when she does speak, she will often just regurgitate what I have said.

I am at a loss where to turn with this....how many times can one be told they are willing to do the work but no follow through?

[ShockedOne]

I am glad to hear you are getting the second chance, BUT, now that you have made the changes in your own life to be a better person, it is her turn. You can not make those for her. She will have to do this on her own. I am no expert here, but as long as you are allowing her to be dependent on you for all her needs, she will never need to change. Force her to realize on her own that she needs to make these changes, or you will never be happy yourself. You will be stuck in this stagnant relationship. You must continue with fulfilling your kids lives, because right now they are the ones making you happy.

[Coach]

So what is the issue? Simple…..I can meet everyone of HER needs, but NONE of mine are being met in return. I help around the house. I help with the kids. I take care of the bills. I take care of ensuring her needs are being met in the way she wishes.

However, in return, my needs are not even being considered by her. I have expressed time and time again in many different ways (tones, formats, etc.). It is typically met with “I will change, I promise” to which she does for a short period and then all goes back to the way it was.

If you are analytical here is some research for you:

"Learned Optimism" - Martin Seligman

"The Five Love Languages"

"His Needs, Her Needs"


I don't think you are meeting all her needs like you think. Drop the expectations - I do this, then she should do that. It builds resentment in you. You can't make her change, you only control yourself.

Our conversations are typically very one sided with me doing most of the talking.

That's not a conversation.


Cheers

[Bridgestone]

The LBS does the work and the WAS does not. That is where we are in our situation.

That is where YOU think you are in "our situation". Where does she think things are?

I often feel that I put too much into attaining an idealistic world.

So are these things 'idealistic'? If she did ALL these things would you have the "ideal" relationship? Or would there be more to do after she let you 'attain' that?

The affirmation that she truely does cherish me.

So you want words of affimration as your language of love... does she know this? When she does even a little bit do you 'reward' her with her language of love? Maybe she is telling you she cherishes you in her language, not yours... are you listening?

2. To put more thought into the smaller things. I want her to show her own way.

Maybe this is her thinking... "he liked this enough to do it for me & it felt really good when he did.. I'll do it back & he'll feel just as good as I did."

Maybe THIS IS her way & her 'more thought'.

3. She would be able to speak more openly to me. When we do have talks, she just agrees with me. Very seldom does she put into her own words how she feels.

It's hard to discuss feelings with someone who is being logical ("she just agrees with me"). Maybe your actions have taught her, it is pointless to put her thoughts/feelings into the room because you just argue them to death because they don't seem logical to you.

4. Not let stuff just work itself out. I wish she would play a more active role in the progress of life. I was raised that you make things happen, not let others make them happen for you.

You want her to go back in time & be raised the same way you were so you both have the same outlook on life? Some would say that 'not sweating the small stuff' and letting stuff work out is healthy.

Maybe she wishes you would be less controlling (another way to describe 'taking an active role in the process of life' & "making things happen")?

5. Our bedroom life is robotic. Same thing, same time, same everything. Only thing that changes is how often. It was decent after reconcilliation, but now its take it or leave it. All discussions on topic are usually answered with "I like doing it, I just don't know why I don't do it more". Nothing is ever followed through with.

a lot of absolute thinking going on there.. how about you look for examples to prove the above thoughts wrong & live in those examples, instead of the 'always' & 'never' frame you are currently in?

Given my profession, I am naturally analytical.

I would argue that you are in the profession you are because you are naturally analytical... are you planning on becoming more spontaneous, more emotional, more devil-may-care, less detailed oriented and logical???

If not, why?

and if not.. why are you asking your spontaneous, devil-may-care, fly by the seat of your pants, emotion driven wife to become less of who she is?

Our conversations are typically very one sided with me doing most of the talking. Then when she does speak, she will often just regurgitate what I have said.

sorry to break it to you, but those are not conversations.. those are lectures. I'm glad to hear you are not satisfied with lecturing your wife.. odds are, she's not satisfied with being lectured.

What are you doing to move them towards a two way street?

What questions do you ask her?
how do you treat what she shares when she does?
Does she feel like her opinion is valued?

....how many times can one be told they are willing to do the work but no follow through?

that is up to you.. however, maybe she needs the light to shine on more than the step she is on in order to take the next step

Just another perspective...
Peace
Bridge

[Phoenixdeux]

Reconciled,

I only have a couple suggestions. The first one is to consider how many of these things are her problem and how many are yours. These things on your list are things you'd like from her, but they aren't things that she wants to do. SHE needs to be the one to choose to do them. Asking her repeatedly doesn't work. So what can you do differently as a way of getting these things. It still starts with you. Do something different in approaching the issues, see if it helps, and keep doing it if it does. If it doesn't work, then try something else. I'd suggest that talking about it hasn't worked to this point.

Secondly, maybe you both could stand to read "the five love languages" by Gary Chapman together. It sounds like you choose to give her love the way you prefer and she reciprocates...either in her love language or the one you showed her. Do the exercises. See if you can't both learn something about loving each other in the language your partner wants to RECEIVE love and not how you choose to GIVE love.

Lastly, congratulations. I have the same scenario. Reconciled after divorce. Nothing in marriage is a fairy tale. You probably reconnected really well, and then things got dull. It's the nature of marriage. Some things I think you just have to learn to accept. Best of luck....I don't think that being the walk-away this time around is the answer you should be looking for.

[reconcilled]

To everyone....THANK YOU!!! This is why I came here!!!

First off, I have read the books. I know and have put in practice the languages. In my first post I stated that I am very aware of HER needs and I do try to meet them in HER way.

It's funny the reference was made that I was giving her love the way I want it but not in the way that she wants it as it is quite the opposite and she will tell you so. It is actually I who receives love in the way she wants not the way I want. We have discussed this and she does acknowledge this.

[reconcilled]

So what is the issue? Simple…..I can meet everyone of HER needs, but NONE of mine are being met in return. I help around the house. I help with the kids. I take care of the bills. I take care of ensuring her needs are being met in the way she wishes.

However, in return, my needs are not even being considered by her. I have expressed time and time again in many different ways (tones, formats, etc.). It is typically met with “I will change, I promise” to which she does for a short period and then all goes back to the way it was.

If you are analytical here is some research for you:

"Learned Optimism" - Martin Seligman

"The Five Love Languages"

"His Needs, Her Needs"


I don't think you are meeting all her needs like you think. Drop the expectations - I do this, then she should do that. It builds resentment in you. You can't make her change, you only control yourself.

Our conversations are typically very one sided with me doing most of the talking.

That's not a conversation.


Cheers

She tells me that she is happy with how I meet her needs. When I ask, she says that she wouldn't want any more from me. Have not read the first book, the second both sit on the nightstand and have been read and re-read by myself. She, says she wants to read them but has not done so as of yet.

[Phoenixdeux]

Good for you then. Can you think of a time where she said and did all the right things? I suspect it was when you were first reconciling, otherwise why would you try again. What was different then? She wanted you back and knew how to do it? What were you doing then? Probably not being as needy.

It sounds like the discussion portion of this isn't working. She says she knows and will work on the things, but it doesn't happen. Is it because you seem needy. I remember when I first reconciled with my X that I wanted her to show me more that she loved me. Asking eventually became a put off for her, and I can see why because it seemed so needy.

Perhaps creating more space by pursuing your own interests would help. Did you give up things that you were doing once you got back together? It sounds a little like you'd like her to make you feel better about the relationship or spice it up for you. I'm not sure what to tell you about that except it needs to start with you.