Hello all. I have been on this board only a short while but already the techniques of DB have brought forth some fruit. I do have a question. My wife has agreed to work on the marriage. She is still not convinced/scared about the changes in me(understandable), however she still wants to move out to a new house and gradually have me work my way back. We have been spending a lot of time together, going on dates sleeping in the same bed, even oral sex, no ML yet as she thinks that only when things are fixed she will be ready for this.
My question is, does her moving and wanting to work on things make sense, or is she just planning her getaway?
I am confused by this. Any help will be appreciated.
Have a plan for the seperation - money, kids, dates etc.
Her saying she wants to work on things and date is huge. I understand your confusion, give her the space - can you stop her? Make sure you know how to validate. She wants to have a new marriage with you - make sure you understand this and what got you here in the first place.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks coach that does make a lot of sense. Well she wants to move out because we can't keep the house, its underwater and going in BK ch7. She also said what you just said and it makes sense. I have no choice but to give her the space she wants. I am fearful that she will get used to it and not want me back, but that is basic pansy behavior she knows she does not want.
Got home and the w was packing up all our stuff into boxes. I noticed that all the wedding pics went into one box and the others in a different. Maybe I am reading to much into this.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Well today is day 2 of the move. My daughters' clothes and my wife's clothes are packed. The kitchen is being packed and tomorrow i assume the beds will be packed. I am feeling anxious. I feel the end is near. But according to her it isn't.
Why can't I believe it? SHe told me she loved me last night but that we had big issues to work on.
We seem to disagree in the way to parent our adopted teenager, but i can't seem to get the words out right. I basically told her that in my opinion she is acting more like a friend to her than a mother. That she lets her get away with disrespectful behavior and that their dynamic is more of friend to friend than mother daughter. I didn't mean to come off insensitive at all. But I feel that when it comes to her she is the only one parenting her. We both parent our 3 year old, but not her. It is true that it has always been difficult for me to connect with her. Her father is in the picture still and i am kind of in limbo now that we are for real separating houses. I felt that if we were going to present a unified front that she will shoot us down saying that how can we possibly tell her what to do when we are not even together. I ended the conversation by telling her that I thought she was a much better parent than I was. She said that our styles are different but complimentary. Then she kissed me and told me that she loved me but we had big issues to work on.
We couldn't sleep for a while after that. I tried to initiate some ML thinking that after and intimate moment like that, we needed to be together, but that didn't work. She didn't shoot me down cruelly or anything but she did say she didn't want to. I felt a little rejected, but she kept holding on to me snuggling.
This morning we kissed and snuggled some more and I left for work. I sensed that she was stressing out. I called her a few minutes ago, and told her that I appreciate her and that I see all the things that she has done for me in the last few weeks. I told her that no matter what happens I have her back with our teenager and that if she needed help i would be there.
I dont think I am pursuing or am I? At this point we are working on this. Obviously galing is still in play, but should i still be DBing?
so last night we MLd. At first she was into it. Then she started crying, like sobbing. we paused and talked for a bit, I validated and told her that i felt her pain and that she was not alone. We laid there, me holding her. Then I made her laugh and to my surprise we started again. This time she was really into it and was happy after we finished. WE held eachother there and fell asleep.
Today she is moving out. I am supposed to stay with my sister. Before i Left for work this morning i kissed my daughter bye and told her i loved her.
Then I moved to my wife and gave her a long soft gentle kiss and i told her I love you and she said I love you back.
I am not sure if i will be sleeping with her tonight and that has me anxious. The crying during love making had me concerned too because last time she felt it was goodbye sex. This time she cried and said it was different. She did say that she thought having sex might fix somethings. I reassured her that I did not have that expectation and that i would not give up. After that we started up again.
am i being neurotic? is my wife really trying to work on things? or do you guys think that she is slowly detaching and letting me down easily. Yes we go to MC. Yes we go on dates. But I am always reminded by her that she still has one foot out the door. She has mentioned that she is waiting for something to happen. Not sure what that can be. My gut tells me that she is trying and that very very soon she will just say, hey look, i tried but it didn't work out. Anyone else think that or have that happen to them?
am i being neurotic? is my wife really trying to work on things? or do you guys think that she is slowly detaching and letting me down easily. Yes we go to MC. Yes we go on dates. But I am always reminded by her that she still has one foot out the door. She has mentioned that she is waiting for something to happen. Not sure what that can be. My gut tells me that she is trying and that very very soon she will just say, hey look, i tried but it didn't work out. Anyone else think that or have that happen to them?
Perhaps the reminder of the one foot out is her way of keeping you in check for lasting change?
