Hey guys, I am a fan of your posts and in need of some feedback re: my WAW. I'm over at WAS and have been getting lots of feedback from Sandi who is great. Don't know if any of you except Puppy have checked out my thread before.
Where I'm at right now is W recently backed me up into a corner by attempting (or feigning) to file for D in an effort to get me out of my house; I reacted and filed first. She felt prompted to do what she did after my insistence that we physically S after a recent vacation she and the kids took to the in-laws where she saw OM on three occasions for 2-3 hrs. per occasion. W denies there was any sex between her and OM; I have my doubts. Anyway, my position was she get her a$$ an apartment of her own when she got home, she hid behind the "I'm not going anywhere without the kids" excuse. Next thing I know she has D papers ready to fill out.
My W is (normally) a passive-aggressive/emotionally vulnerable personality type involved in an EA and now likely PA with out-of-state sociopathic OM who is actively coaching her in how to "deal" with me.
I'm probably 75% detached right now and headed towards complete detachment. I'm ready to modify my approach with my W at this juncture with tough love in mind. I'm looking for effective ideas on how best to manage my W and her behavior under the circumstances.... beyond not paying for her cell phone. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
I'm probably 75% detached right now and headed towards complete detachment. I'm ready to modify my approach with my W at this juncture with tough love in mind. I'm looking for effective ideas on how best to manage my W and her behavior under the circumstances.... beyond not paying for her cell phone. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!
FIRST rule of getting tough....
I WILL NOT SHARE a woman of mine with another man. PERIOD. END OF STORY. NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.
It isn't up for negotiation. IF you want and choose him then so be it. I will be perfectly fine without you and as a matter of fact I think this is for the best.
She needs to feel that YOU dumped HER. (notice that the OM dumped her in their earlier relationship and she never got over it)(so, we know that worked on her before)
Now.. What to do?
Become distant until she asks if somehting is wrong or what is up with you.
Then prepare this speech.
"I have been doing some thinking and here is “what I have decided” (be decisive because women are attracted to and respect decisive men)
I have decided that I want you to move out. The sooner the better. I don’t know what I have been thinking and now can’t believe that I have tolerated for so long you wanting to be with another man. I haven’t been perfect as a husband, but I do believe I have done my best to love you and to be a good man.
However, that doesn’t matter now. That was then and this is now. I want you to find a place and be out of here by_______"(give her a small window to move out)
Don't be mean and don't be punitive. Firm and strong and confident in your new position. Don't back down.
Don’t put it up for negotiation. Be firm and resolved that SHE must move out and that you WANT her out as soon as possible. Move forward on the divorce and stay strong by going for whatever is fair in the dealings regarding financials and such…
If you have watched my advice you will also know that I recommend using the jealousy factor by you starting your own social interaction. (some call it dating)
After the speech, stay strong and resolved. Start to act happy and upbeat and very very busy and focused on YOUR NEW WAY OF LIFE. Happy that you aren’t putting up with a blantant affair of hers anymore. Stay confident. Tell her there is nothing more to talk about.
That is tough love. She will never respect you if you keep allowing this because you are too scared to put the whole relationship on the line and risk losing her for good. She needs to wonder if she lost YOU in this process. Let her worry about how she is going to make ends meet and let the OM worry that now that he HAS is opportunity if he can step up to the plate and support HER..
That’s it….. Strong, confident, firm, and YOU DO NOT SHARE.
Remember.. A 40 year old man that has never been married may run for the hills once he sees she is moving faster and faster TOWARD him. He may start to think.. "Now that I have her, do I really want this"?
Don't think for one minute that she is prepared for what is waiting for her.
Remember.. A 40 year old man that has never been married may run for the hills once he sees she is moving faster and faster TOWARD him. He may start to think.. "Now that I have her, do I really want this"?
Don't think for one minute that she is prepared for what is waiting for her.
Get it?
Gucci,
Excellent post thank you. I do get it and am in full agreement with you here- neither she nor he have any idea what they are in for. It's pure fantasy. Aside from all the positives of having the attention of a beautiful woman, there are thrill and competition factors involved with OM. Once he wins the trophy (my W)and then is in a position to having to back up all of his B.S., things will change, albeit at a slower pace than I would probably like- I envision a protracted long distance R between W and OM post-D that will eventually fizzle out if he doesn't move out here.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
Unfortunately, my W is not moving out of the house anytime soon of her own accord- our first scheduled mandatory mediation isn't until the end of next month. So in the meantime, I'm going to have to manage my W and her behavior as best I can while avoiding doing anything detrimental that could be twisted and potentially used against me. I just ordered "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson on Amazon, it should be here by next week. I'm hoping to get some good ideas on establishing effective boundaries with my W from it. Do you have any suggestions regarding other books/resources I could check out that touch on the boundaries subject?
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
wow! a thread title that includes my name, I'm honored, truth be told I get the idea that some people around here think I'm a bully or a hard-ass or a combination of the two (not that it matters) but I'll just say that I'm not a bully. I just know when to spot a bully and I know that facing a bully instead of running away from one usually changes things.
"...I'm at right now is W recently backed me up into a corner by attempting (or feigning) to file for D in an effort to get me out of my house"
She's a bully (your wife), having an affair with the OM and then trying to kick you out of your house. I'll be honest, I fell for this one, I moved out for several months because my wife told me to and at the same time I paid for every bill in that home (mortgage, property tax, utility bills, car payments, insurance, you name it) while living in a crappy apartment building a few blocks away so that I can maintain close regular contact with my kids. A good friend gave me a kick in the ass and shook me up a bit and told me to stand up for myself, that as long as I acted like a doormat, my wife would walk all over me and wipe her feet on me. If you've never faced your partner before and stood up to them, it's probably one of the scariest experiences to go through. I found like so many others on this forum have found out that once you stand up to the WAS and tell them you aren't taking their crap anymore and you really mean it, things start to change.
I've said it plenty of times on this forum in one form or another but one thing you have to get in your head is this: you have to be willing to let go of the people that don't value you or the relationship they have with you. These people don't have any respect for you if they're willing to hurt you & take advantage of you. You have to read this several times and understand it because there is alot of power in these words but even more power in taking action based on these words.
You need to grow a spine and start to stand up for yourself. It’s impossible to truly love yourself & draw self esteem from within if you are letting people walk all over you. Every time you let someone treat you badly your self esteem drops just a little bit. People will never be able to fully respect and/or love you if you don't respect & love yourself FIRST. If you let people walk all over you, take advantage of you, hurt you, etc. you are allowing people to disrespect you which means you don't respect yourself. Set boundaries in place which determine how people can treat you.
As for the OM, Gucci covered everything and then some, I couldn't give you any better advice. When your spouse is having an affair with the OM and you're trying feverishly to win her back, I think it's the wrong move. Never compete with the OM to win your wife back, it can't work. Competing to get your wife back from the OM communicates directly & indirectly that you don't think you're valuable enough/good enough to have your wife, if you have to compete for her, you are saying that you have to prove your value to her and that never works. The only way to prove your value, prove you respect yourself is to not compete. Remove yourself from the situation, in plain english, "she's yours, you can have her, I don't want her anymore anyways, there are a million other fish in the sea and you just did me a favor taking her off my hands."
When these types of problems occur in relationships, it boils down to control, who's in charge, who is making the decisions? Examples.... you & your wife decided together to first start seeing each other, dating, getting engaged, getting married, buying a home, having children, etc. These are all decisions you made together in one way or another. When your wife started having an affair with the OM, she made this decision all on her own, she didn't ask for your input or permission, she just made the decision without regard to your feelings and any pain it would cause you or your family. She took control of the relationship, she has control right now. She isn't the one on these forums trying to find out how to save their marriage, how to win their spouse back, what to do & say to make a difference, etc.
Take back control.
How do you take back control?
You tell her in plain english, "I'm done, this is over. Enjoy your life, I don't care anymore. I will file for divorce/legal separation, I will live in the house and you can get your own place, you decided to have an affair and there are going to be consequences for your actions, I'm not going to leave my home anytime soon and I'm not going to argue about this either."
You will file for joint custody of your children if you have kids, you will find a way to have them 50% of the time, I don't care how much work it takes, you'll do it... IF ANY OF THIS IS IMPORTANT TO YOU, YOU'LL DO IT!
You won't supplicate her, you won't buy her gifts, you won't treat her to fancy restaurant dinners, you won't beg, plead or cry to ask her to come back home and take you back. If she wants you back and if you do things correctly, she may very well come back and she may be the one who does the begging, pleading & crying.
You will start dating. You will start to date other women because you have to do something that generates a fear of loss with her but also something that shows you have value. When she finds out (through the grapevine) that you're dating again, she will see that other women are willing to date you, this shows that to other women you have value, this type of "proof" wakes the WAS up and they start to realize your value again and start to question what they let go of. Seeing you with other women will make her jealous for a few reasons but namely because it was her decision to let you go and you should be at home crying in a corner and praying to God to get your wife back but she'll see you're not emotionally devastated - quite the opposite, you're moving on, you're happy, you're upbeat, you're thriving, not just surviving and you're having fun. Her affair with the OM won't be half as much when she finds out you're dating other women, they enjoy a good laugh at your expense currently. Plus you moving on and dating other women shows that you're taking control of the situation, you are choosing to move on, you are choosing not to let your wife control how you feel or act, you are showing her that you can enjoy life without her.
Time to turn the tables on this situation, it's time to take control.
How's that, I always aim to provide a lengthy, hot air filled, verbose reply to anyone who asks for it ;-)
Unfortunately, my W is not moving out of the house anytime soon of her own accord- our first scheduled mandatory mediation isn't until the end of next month. So in the meantime, I'm going to have to manage my W and her behavior as best I can while avoiding doing anything detrimental that could be twisted and potentially used against me. I just ordered "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson on Amazon, it should be here by next week. I'm hoping to get some good ideas on establishing effective boundaries with my W from it. Do you have any suggestions regarding other books/resources I could check out that touch on the boundaries subject?
Who is sleeping the master bedroom right now?
The wrong answer will be "my wife is".
Move back into the master bedroom if you currently sleep on the couch, basement or other room.
Move her stuff out of the room, put it in boxes, if she throws a fit and starts arguing with you, instead of rewarding her crap behavior with an argument and a heated exchange of words, you tell her that I'm not rewarding your behavior or your affair with the OM anymore and then you turn your back on her and walk away and that's it. No more words, you let her get angry, you let her say whatever she wants, you turn your back and you IGNORE her. This will make her angry and when it does, enjoy the fact that this is proof that you are taking back control of the relationship.
DO THIS TODAY if you are not sleeping in the master bedroom.
If she argues with you on any topic, you tell her straight, I will talk to you if a calm, mature manner but I won't listen to you yelling, screaming, swearing, etc so control yourself or "vaya con dios muchachos!"
If she yells, argues, screams, smile at her and tell her GOODBYE and walk away.
This demonstrates that you will only talk to her if she listens to you and respects that you will only talk if she is calm & mature. This demonstrates your control on the situation. You will start doing this with every interaction you have with her, I don't want to call it "training" her because that is too strong a word for this, she will be learning that you will not entertain anything else but a mature conversation and that you are nobody's doormat, no one will be walking all over you now or anytime in the future.
