Me and H late thirties, two toddlers, together 12 years, married most of that. Both independant, got on very well, got blessed with both our kids who were very high maintainance as babies, both of us no time to ourselves until early 2008. I suggested to H at that stage he had been supporting me so much, thanks for putting up with me being hormonal cow, go have some fun with your mates for a bit. Swung that stable door open wide and away he went!
Replay / Anger - early 2007 to April 2009
In hindsight, I think H had been in Replay since early 2007, parties (not really till 2008), drinking, spending, no evidence of OW, new young friends usual stuff. Mid 2008 I said "hey dude, I am now getting sleep and can stay awake later than 8pm, lets do some fun stuff" but he never really looked back at us.
His replay came to a head like the 1812 Overture music in about April 2009, along with peak Anger, and I believe peak depression. He travels away from work about 50% of the time, during this time he was away from home 70% of the time, it was not the easiest of times at all. One day in April, one of his old mates dragged him out for sport, he got a huge bump on the head and just missed having a very serious accident (blacked out for a moment). Although he must have been ready anyway, this was an awakening for him. He said to me that night he felt like he had come out of a washing machine and was treading water.
Depression - Feb 2009 to May 2009
This was the major period, very very down in the middle.
80% of his Replay, Anger and major Depression stopped that April day, although habits, such as mates calling up to let him know the latest party meant gradual wind down, although his heart was no longer in it.
Withdrawal May 2009 to current
He seemed to transition into a Withdrawal, very quiet, better mannered, easier to live with. His brain seemed to be processing like crazy, although he still "did not know anything" I started DBing majorly at this stage, although had been GALing well before, and giving heaps of space, still kept relationship talking in error. Interestingly, H had very poor memory of much of his treatment of me during replay/anger (his was passive-agressive), and was horrifed that I suggested he spoke to me in certain ways, and did not believe me.
In early June 2009, after he droped hints about moving out, I asked him if he was planning on it, and he said yes and we agreed on formal separation. In hindsight, no way should I have asked as he still didnt know and I put it on the table. I did DB correctly in handling it, said ok, planned what I would do told him I was ready and we waited to sell some assets to give us the money to run two households.
During this period H was working on him, got his spending under control, let me know where he would be, stopped excess drinking etc, and seemed to be working through a list.
Mid August, he seemed to be moving through the tunnel further again. I saw the first pre crisis H peek out (for probably 18 months) for a day, and then he started to cycle between Anger, Depression, s sprinkle of small Replay, and pre crisis H, with pre crisis H taking small positive baby steps each time he appeared. Anger Cycles are kicked off by daily stressful events, a very large unexpected bill, request to cover coworker on leave etc. These started off being for a week or so, now he is in and out in 24 hours or less. Depression follows Anger as he pulls himself together, moves into Withdrawal then old H peeks out again. In the last Week, The intensity of these cycles has been much greater, higher highs and lower lowers, so its like he is getting ready to move into another phase, whatever that will be!!!
For the last three months I have DBed my butt off, GALing, for me, no hint of R talk, acting As If we would still be together in very small ways (kept doing long term house projects when we would have to move out of town for example). Most importantly, I got my own mojo back that got halted during extremely limited sleep and hormones of having kids. In the last couple of weeks, H has started the odd talk about "next year we could", or under his breath, "I am confused, I have no idea what I am doing". That is just where his head is at today, who knows tomorrow, but it took almost three months to get a Hint he may consider staying.
So I am keeping on doing what I have been doing and see where this road leads us. I am getting pretty tired of the load I am carrying now, but not about to throw in the towel although I consider it every day still. I made a promise for better or worse, and I will do all I can to try to hold my family together in a happy way for my little kids. One day at a time!
I got so far... Sounds like you are handling things as good as anyone could at this point. Stay strong, I think you maybe getting there soon (soon in DBing terms). K
I felt the need to give myself a progress report by summarising my sitch. I have to expect he could dive back into the tunnel and this is just a touch and go. I am reading old threads (eg Yellowrose) to get an idea of what is happening, its pretty confusing, as always!
Will keep focussing on getting through each day as happy as I can.
Are you for hire to summarize my life, M and H? You did a FAB job w/the stages... Wow. How do you get thorough and complete, yet aerial view from inside the lions den?
You're doing superbly.
How are the little ones?
Keep giving us updates!!!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I could have written your story, down to the S. In June, I got a threat of D papers, but since everything is the same. I too did the reread of the touch and go's. And I am seeing the same really quick, for the most part, cycling of stages in my H. Just doing my best not to become crazy myself. Is it safe to hope that maybe the end is near? Probably not. LOL.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Ta, H just seemed to follow the stages in Hearts Blessing thread. I picked Replay and Anger easy enough, and they stopped so abruptly I figured the next stage must be due but couldn't see where or what started and stopped until I looked backwards months afterwards. Reading threads of those who posted in detail and worked through the whole cycle really helped too. Once I got the big stages, the little patterns started to come through.
Happy to help you try to put together stages with you guys if you like, if you keep in mind I may well be comepletly off track!!! Start letting me know what stages you think you have seen, and we can work through it if you want!.
Oh, and you have to change your signature to "working on intimacy" or something, not "no intimacy"!
Yeah, I sense we are in pretty similar stages too. My H has not begun to talk to me about anything serious since he has been processing. He talks out loud when concentrating, thats how I know he is currently confused, he muttered it under his breath. I have recently been pulled up for never EVER EVER picking a good movie from the movie shop the entire time we have been together, and that TWO items had dates expired in the fridge (such crimes, but such time devoted to them!).
I suspect together we are putting the process in place for the more serious discussions that will hopefully start to come up. Him starting R talks seems to be one of the key indications that the home strech is in sight? Have you guys started any of these talks? The most I have got is that "we don't talk anymore". I have been leaving the ball in his court, as if I try to up the frequency of light txts or something similar, it does not seem well recieved. All needs to continue at his pace.
Its funny, its not really been up until now that I have felt like discussing anything major. I now feel able to do so. I have noticed that I am able to influence H mood easier and easier through keeping happy and pleasant during his digressions. My awareness makes it easier for us to have space when needed I think.
Oh Mindfull!
Yeah toddlers doing well. They are more confused by this stage than any other as one hour their daddy is really into them, and the next he is like an off station radio, not on their wavelength and they don'y know why. I have tried to use the guy on the Life is Beautiful movie from a few years back as a role model during this process. That Jewish guy who managed to keep his small son unaware he was in a concentration camp by showing him the beauty in life each day? He is my parent role model!!!
In total agreement Storm with this statement: "All needs to continue at his pace" that`s what I`ve got to let H see too, esp as he felt(and was!) so controlled by me.
As regards your kids, that on/off Dad thing is very much a feature here. Fishing/swimming one day, gone for the following two.
And my three don`t even ask when he`s coming back and where he is!
I have never posted to you before but I have read a lot of your postings - the advice you give is helpful.
I am impressed by how well your recap of your situation and how well you seem to be doing with your husband's MLC. You seem to have figured out those stages with regards to your H very well! Hopefully he is on his way out for good.
I truly cannot figure out at this point what is going on with my H though I know all MLCers/timelines/processes are different. He seems to be pretty well out of the anger stage and it doesn't seem to be directed my way anymore when it does show. He MAY be heading out of replay as it seems to have settled down a lot but still seems to have little concept of money and is still so selfish (is that part of replay or the whole thing?). However, as of the past couple of weeks he has been home waaaaay more and interacting so much more with the kids normally. Still not much with me of course. Sometimes he is withdrawn, sometimes he seems depressed. Who knows. He has shared some deep things with me over the summer a few times, though not in the past month or so. Any ideas?
Again, great recap of your sitch. Just keep doing what you are doing. It sounds like you are doing a great job with the kids, too.
I personally don't want to have any sort of R talks with H. If he chooses to come back my way then he does, but somehow I think if I have to sit and discuss with him how I felt during all of this, well he probably would run for the hills. For me, I feel it is more like baby steps will be made of him simply rejoining the family, if that is what he chooses. And I will have to get everything out here.
Yes I understand what you are saying about nitpicky stuff. My biggest sin, at least when he dropped the bomb, was that I was selfish because I asked him to rub my head to help me sleep. Of course then the list got to be longer and more involved and some of it was accurate and justified and some of it not. But that was truly the worst thing he could come up with that I did wrong. It amazes me how these people think.
My H mutters contstantly too. Of course he has always done that, but now it is like he can't stop himself at all. But he doesn't say much either (nothing new) so I really don't anticipate him announcing that he changed his mind or anything like that either. I don't even expect him to announce it if he decides to leave. As of late, my DBing skills really suck. But right now, he needs to hear what I have to say. Which is not much but it is important. And it seems to come out in small doses which is probably better for both of us. But he can see that I am happy in all areas of my life as long as I don't have to interact with him. But what I have said to him has been said with love, even if it isn't received that way, and I can see the smoke coming out of his ears at times when the wheels are churning away and he is thinking about things. I am just tired of living with two teenagers. You know my parents had 5 kids by choice, I have one. I really am starting to hate having two. LOL.
Anyway, TIF, you H seems to be headed into the beginning of depression. As you watch the replay wind down, you can see it more clearly, like you are, but try to remember they will cycle and go back and forth for a while, so just try to go with it. I'm glad his anger is winding down, at least what he directs at you. Just keep being the lighthouse, it is what I am trying to do although it isn't always easy. Someday someone is going to be my lighthouse because I've done way too much of it in my lifetime. Have a great weekend all.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
