Separated 4 Months - Looking for Advice??

[neversaydie63]

Hey Everyone,

New here and I did post in the newbie’s section but also wanted to post here and hopefully get some more help and feedback.

Wife moved out over 4 months ago but we are still talking and seeing each other. We are no longer seeing our MC but she is seeing a new C on her own. Over the last 4 months since we have been separated, we have had our ups and downs and this has been the most difficult time of my life but I still love her and I want this marriage to work and I want her to move back with me.

Here are just a few questions that I was hoping to get some feedback on:

How often should I call her? Is once a day too much?
How often should I see her? (I travel for work so I am gone typically 8 days/nights/month)
I am still worried that she is seeing /talking to her “Psychic” friend even though I told her a few months back that if she continues to talk to this woman, than our marriage will never work – she promised she has not (a few months ago) but I am not sure I believe her. Should I confront her about this again or just work on me and my 180’s and the do’s and don’ts in Michelle’s book?

Sometimes I want to get out there and start dating but I think that would be a mistake at this point.

Sorry for all the questions, it just that I never thought I would be in this situation and I am still not sure why we are where we are. Initially, when she left she said the reason was because “she needed to find out why she allowed certain things to happen” along with the usual “I was too controlling, passive aggressive, overbearing, angry…etc.” stuff.

Any and all input is very much appreciated.

Thank you
Neversaydie

[LolaL]

Well I am very sorry to see you here. It is a rough road you are about to embark on.

Now I want to ask you I see a lot of what you want. What does your wife want?

[neversaydie63]

Yes, it has already been a rough road and I hope it does not get any worse but I guess if we move into the Big D Phase, it could.

Not really sure what she wants?? We went to MC for almost a year and we ( I ) more than her changed a lot of things but it always felt like I was pushing rope uphill. I really only think the MC works when both parties want to make changes, not just one. Pretty much every change she asked for was done, but she would never admit that there was much change and that was simply just not true.

I have a good job and she really did not work, we have no childeren so she had lots and lots of free time on her hands --- I dont know, maybe too much free time!
Maybe she was/is not happy with herself and is going through a midlfe crisses.

I really wish I knew but I dont and I am not sure she knows.

NSD

[rinserepeat]

Sorry you find yourself amongst us.
I'll catch up on your story before I comment further.

[rinserepeat]

except to answer your questions.
Calling once a day is probably too much, yes.
See her no more than she wants. Less than she wants is even better
Do not confront her

[LolaL]

You have to respect her boundaries. Don't call her at all, unless you absolutely have to. Let her call you. And whatever you do, LISTEN. HEAR. VALIDATE.

Don't tell her you love her, she knows. At this point, the only thing you can do is let her take the lead.

You don't need to date, but do have a life of your own. Go out with friends, have dinner, see a movie, shoot some pool. Don't be too available. If this is what she wants, she needs to see the full effect of what it emcompasses.

Rinse is right...calling once a day is too much. That is going to make her feel trapped.

Live life like she is not in it right now.

[neversaydie63]

Hey everyone,

Thank you for your comments.

Its hard not to call her but over the last week, I have really stopped unless I need to. Unfortunatly she does do some web and literature work for my company and we are working on a few projects right now so sometimes I do have to call her for work. Other than that, I let her call me.

I stopped telling her I love her about 6 weeks ago so I am good there (in fact it feels better because she rarely responded back to me in a positive way and that hurt so it just feels better to not put myself out there like that.

I do have a life of my own and have been hanging out with friends, riding my bike, working on my cars and of course traveling for work. Trying to do more of that.

One thing I have noticed in the last few weeks is that I have been much less informative as to where I am going or what I am doing and she has become much more inquisitive. For example, last week when I was traveling we played a little phone tag and in one message I mentioned that I was going to be "going out with friends" and that I would call her the next day. When we finally did talk, she seemed upset that I did not tell her who they were and I mentioned that they were friends from High School and that she did not know them and then she went off about how I always "give her the 3rd degree" about who she is going out with and where she is going and that how I need to tell her "who" I am going out with and not just say "some friends" ?? --- However, she seems to have a double standard here because she is not very upfront with me about her comings and goings and lately (over the last few weeks) I have really stopped asking unless she asks me first. Maybe I should stop asking all together?? I dont know, it just seems to flow out when your wife asks you "what did you do last night?" I answer and then ask "how about you, what did you do?"

Tonight we are going out (she asked me) starting with a massage and then dinner and tomorrow we are going to a wedding together which starts at 4:00 so we will be there all night I am sure so wish me luck.

Any pointers I should know or anyone can offer? Should I seek out and dance with other women at the wedding?

Next week I am out of town on a business trip until thursday.

Thanks for everyones help.

NSD

[neversaydie63]

Progress report?? --- Maybe

So this last weekend was interesting, On Friday we went out to dinner and had a nice time, we laughed and talked and had fun. She did regrill me about when I went out with “some friends”; she asked how it went and whom I was out with (not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing but I tried to be as vague with her as possible w/o being a jerk) All & all a good night.

Sat. – The wedding, had a good time, saw a lot of old acquaintances and again had fun, laughed and danced. We did do one slow dance and that felt a little strange as she did seem a little distant --- not sure if she did not like it or felt I pressured her into a slow dance (I really did not) but I just walked off after it was over feeling a little “put off”?? not sure --- I am just not good at this separation thing I guess. It was weird, seeing this young couple (which we have known the bride since she was a little girl) starting their new life together, with so much love and hope, and us, 20 years later, being on the brink of divorce with little hope and lots of anger! -- Sad, really, really sad!! Anyway, after the wedding, she dropped me at our house, and I asked her if we were going to go to church together (which we have done almost every week since we have split) and she did not commit and told me she would call me.

Sunday kept busy, when on a bike ride and a drive, waited or her call but did not call her – the call never came so I went to church and low and behold she showed up. I was surprised to see her there and she said she had planned to go all along and just for got to call me but figured I would be there. After church, we normally go for dinner but I was leaving town and I am trying not to be too available for her all the time so we hung out in front of the church and talked and she told me how she had had lunch with a mutual friend who we had not seen in a while (female). After that, I said good-bye and told her I had to pack and get ready for my out of town trip early Monday am. She seemed a little upset and said that she guessed she would get some food to take back to her house since I would not be joining her. I told her sorry but I really had a lot of stuff to do. We kissed and she wished me a safe trip.

The funny thing was that she called me later and left me a VM message and said she had a ? for me. When I called her back she was upset that I did not inform her that we would not be having dinner together otherwise she could have made other plans. I, unlike the old days where I would have jumped on her for not calling me like she was supposed to or trying to defend myself, just put down my gun and said I was sorry and that I should have told her that ahead of time and that it was my bad, I also mentioned that for us to avoid this miscommunication for next week, that we should go ahead and plan to do church and dinner next Sunday since I was not traveling next week, she agreed. It was funny and different for me (a real 180) to see how she reacted to that, she seemed really surprised, and her angry tone left her voice and she just could no longer get angry with me – she softened up and wished me a good trip!! It was really strange and I felt super good about myself that I did not let her suck me into defending myself and getting into fight. – Wheee heeew!

Q: Did I do the right thing by not making myself available?
Did I do he right thing by not defending myself and disarming the situation?

Just thought I would share.

NSD