who is this man?

[job]

J,
There will be times when the "adult" will rise to the surface. Those are the times that you will need to enjoy and then understand that he will pop back into the teenager mode. The periods of rational behavior are few and far between for a while.

You have an excellent support system and I'm glad to see others stepped in to assist you over the weekend. Your h will grow up, we just don't know when or how long it will take.

The movie has begun, but no one knows the ending....the only ending you have right now is to live your life to the fullest and leave the door ajar or as I always say, put a candle in the window and light it each night to guide him home. Be his lighthouse in the storm for he will need your light to guide him home.

[Ms Jen]

This morning I was home [for a change] because of S16's suspension and I was making breakfast for us all. I read paper while H made his lunch and we chit chatted pleasantly.

Then I was on my way into laundry room when H said well i better go, thanks for breakfast and he came over and side-hugged me and kissed my head. I said ok bye.

I'm not reading anything into it... but it's the first purposeful physical contact in 3 weeks, and it is the first time on this roller coaster ride that I have not initiated contact. Might have been a fluke but I'll take it anyway.

I do feel stronger, less needy - in fact he's lucky I LET him hug me LOL

I think maybe I just might be starting to GAL.

[Ms Jen]

Ok I was kinda reading something into it - but I shouldn't have. I didn't show my disappointment at least.

Last night H was talking about a friend who wants to sell a car he just bought 6 mos ago and buy a sports car. I had to bite my lip to not laugh when H said 'I guess he's having a MLC or something'. It's easy to recognize in others I suppose.

[Ms Jen]

Wow I hate weekends. Too much time around the house, time we would be spending together and still do sometimes but it feels so forced and awkward.

I was cleaning this weekend (kept me busy anyway) and saw some photos of H over the past couple of years. Last year we were at family's lake house 4th of July weekend and I didn't see much of H it was like.. he was doing his darndest to avoid me. Maybe even before then, and certainly since then, it's been a roller coaster ride. I'm nauseated from the constant jarring of it all.

I feel like I have to brace myself for what may come- because the minute I let my guard down and think we may actually be having quality time together that's when H will say he can't do this, it's too hard to pretend. Well bite me baby we all pretend.

Will I ever truly get strong enough to let H own his own misery?

Back in January I journaled "if we dont connect physically and we dont connect emotionally what connection is there??". This time its been way longer too... the lack of touch AT ALL has lasted about a month and we're going on 3 months for ML.

I'm just tired and lonely and grouchy today, that's all

[cat04]

Jen,

Tired and grouchy. I think its in the air. Just a little anyway.

You will get strong enough. You will. First, you have to stop trying to own it. Then you have to stop trying to prove that he is wrong. I'm glad others are telling him good things about your S. As long as you know the truth, go with that. H will figure it out, or he won't. But that is his problem. Sure it might feel really great to beat him over the head with it, but it won't make him see it any sooner.

That is the suckiest part of the whole thing. It doesn't happen quickly and it doesn't get better quickly. It takes time. You might not connect for a very long time to come and the best thing you can do for you is to find a way to just accept it and live for yourself.

Have a good day.

[Ms Jen]

Thanks cat. I think its also really sucky to watch H flounder in his cesspool of bitterness and hate. But you're right, it's his cesspool. I've got a hand out in case he wants to step out but he's choosing to stay in it. H is a big boy and it's his choice.

I believe H struggles with anxiety/depression, and has long before MLC started. He has never slept well, but he is anti meds, and anti counseling, and, well, anti everything. This morning H has a physical scheduled and I so hope the dr will ask how its going and H will tell him the truth. I doubt it will happen, but it would be interesting if it did.

[cat04]

Yes it would be interesting. My H hasn't had a physical since 2005. Needs one. But...

So how are you?

[Ms Jen]

I'm distracted nervous unsteady nauseous angry frustrated scared impatient suspicious unfocused wary depleted aimless ineffective anxious unmotivated reclusive and tired.
But I'm going to watch a friends' sons compete in martial arts tonight, going to lunch with a friend tomorrow, and working in the church bookstore Thurs. All of which will help recharge and rejuvenate me so thats good bc it sounds like I need it.

[cat04]

Wow what an awesome use of vocabulary.

Have fun at the martial arts and scream really loud for the sparring. It helps to get the frustration out.

[Ms Jen]

Well... H said he wanted to take S16 to the martial arts thing last night. The two of them have been talking about maybe doing judo together and H wanted to talk with the instructors. I bowed out and let the boys go and went for a run instead. S16 actually sparred some, and, as he said, got his a$$ kicked LOL. But he wants to go back and I think it would be good for him, self confidence wise. Hope H will pay for it.

D18 called last night and said she's gonna play lacross at college. Okay... have you ever played? Sure, once or twice in HS. Well hey if it keeps her in town and too busy for her loser boyfriend I'm all for it.

We got invited to a friends' kid's wedding out of town in Oct. Really more H's friend. H remembered we needed to RSVP and so I said whatever he wanted to do, just let me know. Then I went for a swim, wondering if he'd just he's going, he and I are going, he and S are going, all of us are going, or no we're not going. Yeah, it shouldnt matter, and I'm grasping I know. H said all of us are going, which made me feel better, then I remembered that things can change like the wind and it means little to nothing.

So H and I co-exist amicably and chit chat some and, if we were touching or talking about anything substantial, would have a pretty normal relationship for us. When I have the occasional MTF moment I go swim or run, which is my way of GAL.